Sleep with the Angels Tay

Avery picked these flowers today, "Look what I got you, Mama".  On a regular day I would have said the same thing, "Thank you baby, they are beautiful".  But today I look at them with a different perspective.  Life is short and you have to appreciate the little things because life is mostly made up of the little things.  We cannot determine our quantity of life but we can control the quality.


You see, I lost a friend today to cancer.  While he was not my best friend or closest confidant, nor did we share every detail of our daily lives and struggles for the past twenty some odd years, he was dynamic and (more than I have realized) had a profound effect on the way I look and react to people and situations over the past few years.  I used to live my life worrying about what other people thought of me.  Years ago, when I was at my heaviest weight, I would skip going out to dinner because I thought other patrons might be thinking that fat girl does not need to be eating that burger or I would not go near the dance floor in fear that someone was belittling me with their eyes.  I no longer rent space in my head and the sassy way he lived his life can be a credit to that.


I went to high school with Monte where we shared one class.  He was outrageous and outlandish and all out hilarious.  He caused a ruckus almost every day and created some of my fondest high school memories.  I reconnected with him on facebook several years ago.  Before the sickness.  He was just as hilarious as I had remembered.  I came to count on his witty banter when I was having a down day.


It is so sad that this world has to lose such a sparkling personality so young.  Besides the memories of his brazen, silly ass I will try to take from his passing that life is not certain and I should remember to make each day important and things that seem trivial like those little weeds are really a grand thing.


Sleep with the angels Tay.

Pleasidy, Please, Please

Fellow blogger people, if you have facebook will you kindly click this link and like my Avery Smavery Chicken Gravy's photo for a contest.  Please and Thank you  :)

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150300438498780&set=a.10150291452593780.341231.268788468779&type=1&theaterFishing

I am going to get sauced tonight so maybe I will have something interesting to blog about tomorrow :)

Dear John?

I have never been known to mix words.  I am blunt to a fault, at times.  You never have to guess where you stand with me.  I will tell you if you have a booger hanging from your nose.  You may even thank me for saving you from an embarrassing situation.  I say the truth and sometimes it's ugly.  Sometimes it's witty.  Sometimes it is the last thing you want to hear.  Sometimes it offends people and sometimes people are appreciative of my frankness.  It's a blessing and a curse.


When you have done everything you possibly can think of to foster a relationship and that hasn't worked when do you decide to walk away with your integrity?  How do you continue a friendship with someone that doesn't share a common interest and the same morals and values.  It is not a reciprocal relationship if one party is always the villain and one is always the victim.


To the point, I have decided that the toxicity of the relationship overshadows the blood link.  After many days of thinking and analyzing the situation, I have discovered that if this were any other person I would have terminated it long ago.  I have (selfishly or unselfishly depending on your perspective) decided that it is no longer worth consoling you through your self-inflicted tragedies.  It is too emotionally exhausting.  You are always angry.  It is too labor intensive to stay off your "shit list".  Truth be told, you are not someone I would hand pick to be my friend.   You are not the same calibur of person that my other friends are...the ones I have by my own choosing.  We don't have much in common anymore.  I don't spend my free time the same as you.  I don't parent my children the same as you.  I don't find the same things entertaining.  We have nothing to talk about but your "oh, woe is me" moments.  I believe I have outgrown you.  I am not a 19-year old, single person with no kids looking for the next great party.  I prefer to stay out of the path of self destruction.  Our morals differ greatly.  I don't lie or cheat and it is hard for me to be supportive of a person that does these things when it goes against everything I believe in.  This doesn't make me a martyr, mean, self righteous, judgemental or any other adjective that you may have used to describe me that paints you in a better light.  It just means that I am deciding that living with my principles is more important than continually going against them to maintain a relationship with you.


I grew up with an alcoholic father and I had no choice in that.  I hated it so, as soon as I could, I left the chaos of that environment.  I am an adult now and I can choose which lifestyles I want to be a party to.  I most definitely do not choose this special brand of crazy filled with denial, justification and blame. 


I thought this would be a hard decision but once I made it, I felt the burden lift. Is this a Dear John letter?  Perhaps.  But more importantly, it is closure for me.  I will always love you but I don't think I will ever want to be your friend.

To My Dear Sweet Grandma

Dear, sweet Grandma,

We laid you to rest today.  The pastor did a fine job but like he said everyone has different memories of you but if I would have given your eulogy it would have went a little something like this.

I think you look lovely in your pink suit.  My friend, Jennifer said that you have good hair but I would like to think that you heard us talking about you so you already know that.  I remember when I was little you would put those weird, wiry rollers in your hair held in place with little, pink picks and then you would sit at your kitchen table drinking coffee and puffing on your Merits but not inhaling.  After you pulled those rollers out you would put that pink stuff on your cheeks and lips.

I remember you always had violets growing in the "flower window" and you would put milk in them.  I think they were violets but I am positive it was milk. 

I remember always jumping off your porch instead of using the steps and you would say, "You are going to break your neck".  When Alex was little he would jump off the same way I had many years before and you would say the same to him and tell me that I used to do the same thing and it scared you to death.

I remember that you never ran the sweeper or did the "worsh" on Sunday and there was a reason for that.

I remember you loved the Price is Right and your stories.  In my 20's when I watched them too we would talk about which Lewis boy Reva was married to now.

I remember when Dani was a toddler and we started calling you Grammaw Great and it just kinda stuck.


"Grandma's salad" will be your legacy.

I remember that you wore the beaded bracelet that I had gotten you for Christmas the year before and it made me happy to know that you must have really liked it.

I remembered that you always had Hellman's in your refrigerator and I think that is the reason you can always find a jar in mine.

Grammaw Great, you will forever be in my heart and memories.  Sleep with the angels.

Analyzing Folk and Birthdays

I like to analyze people.  It is fun for me.  Especially, when it is someone I just met or if I am mildly inebriated.  I don't know why.  I just know that picking people's brains is fascinating.  Maybe I was Frued's Mama in a past life or something.  Tonight, I met a guy whom I can only assume is the only heir to the Massengill fortune.


That paragraph was written Saturday night as I came in from a night out.  I was fully intending on writing a big ol' entry about that guy but I was tired and decided I would certainly remember what a shithead he was in the morning.  However, my perspective changed.

We went to a pub Saturday night to watch UK in the Final Four throw the ball above, below, across and over the net.  It was a heart attack game for sure.  I could feel my mood flipping when I woke up that morning.  I immediately tuned to the 80's music channel on the TV and began getting everything ready for Haylee's birthday party.  I had hung the decorations the day before so I only needed to pick up the house and make the food.  But I felt pressed for time.  During the party (which went over famously with the games and decorate your own cupcake) I started feeling "revved up".  It was so crowded in the house that it was a bit overwhelming.  On a side note, I really need a bigger house or at least one that is set up differently if I want to host these kinds of events. 
The plan had been to go to the usual place to watch the game but it was too crowded and there were no seats to be had.  Fat girls can't stand mingling all night on a concrete floor.  I would have surely had plantar warts.  We decided to meet Sarah and her friend at a different place with ample seating and big screens all around.  In between shitty plays and really shitty plays we would slip out to the smoking patio.  I met a guy out there who had started talking to Sarah's friend.  He is Russian and has a pretty thick accent so strange guy struck up a conversation.  First, it was a benign conversation about how the English language is not as difficult to learn as Russian but turned to me badgering the stranger.  He told us a story of how he had a Russian ex-girlfriend and they were still best friends and they also had some "benefits".  His eye glimmered as he spoke of her.  I called him on it.  I told him I thought he was still in love with her.  He has unresolved feelings.  He called me an asshole.  Right, I was.  But.  I kept him engaged.  He just kept spilling his life story.  I know more about his tipsy stranger than I do about some people I consider my friends. The whole conversation got confused at some point after that because he was talking about two ex-girlfriends in one conversation.  Sarah and I both agreed he was talking about the Russian chick.  Anyway, it is really irrelevant who he was talking about.  He called me on my grandiosity.  I don't think that has ever happened.  Well, Mandi calls me on it all the time but she does it for sport like hunting for rabbits. Back to the point.  When mania rears it's ugly head, I AM the only heiress to the Massengill fortune but I think anyone who challenges my point of view is the douche.  I get combative and it is a contest and I will win.  You are wrong and I am right and that is that.  I am right even when I am walking away knowing I that am wrong.  I look at Sarah and say, "I WAS being an asshole, who cares?".  Psshh.


If that was a contest then perhaps the prize is insight.  The realization that when that part of mania strikes I should just keep my mouth shut because it benefits noone.

B*tch is Crazy

I feel like my body outsmarts science. I don't have much faith in doctors so when my PCP gave me normal results excluding my cholesterol I needed a second opinion.  Surely, something is going on that they just haven't figured out yet.  Most likely something I am going to have to figure out on my own as usual.  I made an appointment with another doctor so I could show him my labs.  He took an extensive history and looked perplexed up until the point when he asked me about a box I had checked: Anxiety/Depression.  "Well, I have Bipolar but it was not named specifically on the form".  Then the mood of the conversation turned along with his explanation of all of my symptoms.  He thinks that all of my bodily woes are directly related to my Bipolar.  I am depressed.  Yet, I don't feel depressed.  I am not crying uncontrollably.  The world is not a black hole just waiting to suck me up.  I just don't have any energy to do anything.  That doesn't mean the intentions are not there.  I have grand ideas.  I just can't execute them.  I was offended that he would even suggest such a theory.  My hair is falling out because I am depressed?  My heart beats so hard that I can hear it reverberating in my head because I am depressed?  Does that even make sense to you?  He explains that the lack of energy and weight gain are a product of depression and all of the other symptoms are the result of the weight gain; the trickle down effect.  The irregular heart beating...panic attacks.  I tell him I am not panicked and he explains that a panic attack comes on with no warning or trigger.  That would make sense except for my heart starts pounding a short while after I eat so does that not mean anything?  Just to be safe, I get to pick up a holter monitor on Monday for a 24 hour stint.  I am thinking the printout will read something like this...

Whoop That A$$

Call me crazy but they all just need a good ass whoopin'!  It's probably too late for the older kids but if we start with the Kindergartners in twelve years society would be back to normal.  What am I talking about?  Corporal punishment.  Or at the least the threat of it.  All of this coddling is clearly not working...don't care what you say Ms. I breastfed my crumb until he was 8 because I wanted him to know he was loved in the world.  


Let me back up.  In the past few weeks there has been much scrutiny over situations involving kids in our school district.  All kinds of trouble on the school buses, bullies, guns in the school.  Just yesterday an elementary student was found hung on the back of the hook in a bathroom stall.  It is not clear if someone hung him there or if it was self-inflicted but I find it hard to believe that an 8-year old could sling himself up on that hook.  It doesn't seem mechanically possible.  
This is some of the recent stories.


So this conversation ensued in response to this video being posted.

Am I crazy?