My Husband Misunderstood When I Said I Was Bi

Sleep with the Angels Tay

2011-10-11T18:26:00.000-04:00

Avery picked these flowers today, "Look what I got you, Mama". On a regular day I would have said the same thing, "Thank you baby, they are beautiful". But today I look at them with a different perspective. Life is short and you have to appreciate the little things because life is mostly made up of the little things. We cannot determine our quantity of life but we can control the quality.

You see, I lost a friend today to cancer. While he was not my best friend or closest confidant, nor did we share every detail of our daily lives and struggles for the past twenty some odd years, he was dynamic and (more than I have realized) had a profound effect on the way I look and react to people and situations over the past few years. I used to live my life worrying about what other people thought of me. Years ago, when I was at my heaviest weight, I would skip going out to dinner because I thought other patrons might be thinking that fat girl does not need to be eating that burger or I would not go near the dance floor in fear that someone was belittling me with their eyes. I no longer rent space in my head and the sassy way he lived his life can be a credit to that.

I went to high school with Monte where we shared one class. He was outrageous and outlandish and all out hilarious. He caused a ruckus almost every day and created some of my fondest high school memories. I reconnected with him on facebook several years ago. Before the sickness. He was just as hilarious as I had remembered. I came to count on his witty banter when I was having a down day.

It is so sad that this world has to lose such a sparkling personality so young. Besides the memories of his brazen, silly ass I will try to take from his passing that life is not certain and I should remember to make each day important and things that seem trivial like those little weeds are really a grand thing.

Sleep with the angels Tay.

Pleasidy, Please, Please

2011-09-23T20:48:00.000-04:00

Fellow blogger people, if you have facebook will you kindly click this link and like my Avery Smavery Chicken Gravy's photo for a contest. Please and Thank you :)

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150300438498780&set=a.10150291452593780.341231.268788468779&type=1&theaterFishing

I am going to get sauced tonight so maybe I will have something interesting to blog about tomorrow :)

Dear John?

2011-08-23T19:57:00.000-04:00

I have never been known to mix words. I am blunt to a fault, at times. You never have to guess where you stand with me. I will tell you if you have a booger hanging from your nose. You may even thank me for saving you from an embarrassing situation. I say the truth and sometimes it's ugly. Sometimes it's witty. Sometimes it is the last thing you want to hear. Sometimes it offends people and sometimes people are appreciative of my frankness. It's a blessing and a curse.

When you have done everything you possibly can think of to foster a relationship and that hasn't worked when do you decide to walk away with your integrity? How do you continue a friendship with someone that doesn't share a common interest and the same morals and values. It is not a reciprocal relationship if one party is always the villain and one is always the victim.

To the point, I have decided that the toxicity of the relationship overshadows the blood link. After many days of thinking and analyzing the situation, I have discovered that if this were any other person I would have terminated it long ago. I have (selfishly or unselfishly depending on your perspective) decided that it is no longer worth consoling you through your self-inflicted tragedies. It is too emotionally exhausting. You are always angry. It is too labor intensive to stay off your "shit list". Truth be told, you are not someone I would hand pick to be my friend. You are not the same calibur of person that my other friends are...the ones I have by my own choosing. We don't have much in common anymore. I don't spend my free time the same as you. I don't parent my children the same as you. I don't find the same things entertaining. We have nothing to talk about but your "oh, woe is me" moments. I believe I have outgrown you. I am not a 19-year old, single person with no kids looking for the next great party. I prefer to stay out of the path of self destruction. Our morals differ greatly. I don't lie or cheat and it is hard for me to be supportive of a person that does these things when it goes against everything I believe in. This doesn't make me a martyr, mean, self righteous, judgemental or any other adjective that you may have used to describe me that paints you in a better light. It just means that I am deciding that living with my principles is more important than continually going against them to maintain a relationship with you.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and I had no choice in that. I hated it so, as soon as I could, I left the chaos of that environment. I am an adult now and I can choose which lifestyles I want to be a party to. I most definitely do not choose this special brand of crazy filled with denial, justification and blame.

I thought this would be a hard decision but once I made it, I felt the burden lift. Is this a Dear John letter? Perhaps. But more importantly, it is closure for me. I will always love you but I don't think I will ever want to be your friend.

To My Dear Sweet Grandma

2011-08-22T22:27:00.000-04:00

Dear, sweet Grandma,

We laid you to rest today. The pastor did a fine job but like he said everyone has different memories of you but if I would have given your eulogy it would have went a little something like this.

I think you look lovely in your pink suit. My friend, Jennifer said that you have good hair but I would like to think that you heard us talking about you so you already know that. I remember when I was little you would put those weird, wiry rollers in your hair held in place with little, pink picks and then you would sit at your kitchen table drinking coffee and puffing on your Merits but not inhaling. After you pulled those rollers out you would put that pink stuff on your cheeks and lips.

I remember you always had violets growing in the "flower window" and you would put milk in them. I think they were violets but I am positive it was milk.

I remember always jumping off your porch instead of using the steps and you would say, "You are going to break your neck". When Alex was little he would jump off the same way I had many years before and you would say the same to him and tell me that I used to do the same thing and it scared you to death.

I remember that you never ran the sweeper or did the "worsh" on Sunday and there was a reason for that.

I remember you loved the Price is Right and your stories. In my 20's when I watched them too we would talk about which Lewis boy Reva was married to now.

I remember when Dani was a toddler and we started calling you Grammaw Great and it just kinda stuck.

"Grandma's salad" will be your legacy.

I remember that you wore the beaded bracelet that I had gotten you for Christmas the year before and it made me happy to know that you must have really liked it.

I remembered that you always had Hellman's in your refrigerator and I think that is the reason you can always find a jar in mine.

Grammaw Great, you will forever be in my heart and memories. Sleep with the angels.

Analyzing Folk and Birthdays

2011-04-04T20:21:00.000-04:00

I like to analyze people. It is fun for me. Especially, when it is someone I just met or if I am mildly inebriated. I don't know why. I just know that picking people's brains is fascinating. Maybe I was Frued's Mama in a past life or something. Tonight, I met a guy whom I can only assume is the only heir to the Massengill fortune.

That paragraph was written Saturday night as I came in from a night out. I was fully intending on writing a big ol' entry about that guy but I was tired and decided I would certainly remember what a shithead he was in the morning. However, my perspective changed.

We went to a pub Saturday night to watch UK in the Final Four throw the ball above, below, across and over the net. It was a heart attack game for sure. I could feel my mood flipping when I woke up that morning. I immediately tuned to the 80's music channel on the TV and began getting everything ready for Haylee's birthday party. I had hung the decorations the day before so I only needed to pick up the house and make the food. But I felt pressed for time. During the party (which went over famously with the games and decorate your own cupcake) I started feeling "revved up". It was so crowded in the house that it was a bit overwhelming. On a side note, I really need a bigger house or at least one that is set up differently if I want to host these kinds of events.
The plan had been to go to the usual place to watch the game but it was too crowded and there were no seats to be had. Fat girls can't stand mingling all night on a concrete floor. I would have surely had plantar warts. We decided to meet Sarah and her friend at a different place with ample seating and big screens all around. In between shitty plays and really shitty plays we would slip out to the smoking patio. I met a guy out there who had started talking to Sarah's friend. He is Russian and has a pretty thick accent so strange guy struck up a conversation. First, it was a benign conversation about how the English language is not as difficult to learn as Russian but turned to me badgering the stranger. He told us a story of how he had a Russian ex-girlfriend and they were still best friends and they also had some "benefits". His eye glimmered as he spoke of her. I called him on it. I told him I thought he was still in love with her. He has unresolved feelings. He called me an asshole. Right, I was. But. I kept him engaged. He just kept spilling his life story. I know more about his tipsy stranger than I do about some people I consider my friends. The whole conversation got confused at some point after that because he was talking about two ex-girlfriends in one conversation. Sarah and I both agreed he was talking about the Russian chick. Anyway, it is really irrelevant who he was talking about. He called me on my grandiosity. I don't think that has ever happened. Well, Mandi calls me on it all the time but she does it for sport like hunting for rabbits. Back to the point. When mania rears it's ugly head, I AM the only heiress to the Massengill fortune but I think anyone who challenges my point of view is the douche. I get combative and it is a contest and I will win. You are wrong and I am right and that is that. I am right even when I am walking away knowing I that am wrong. I look at Sarah and say, "I WAS being an asshole, who cares?". Psshh.

If that was a contest then perhaps the prize is insight. The realization that when that part of mania strikes I should just keep my mouth shut because it benefits noone.

B*tch is Crazy

2011-03-26T22:53:00.000-04:00

I feel like my body outsmarts science. I don't have much faith in doctors so when my PCP gave me normal results excluding my cholesterol I needed a second opinion. Surely, something is going on that they just haven't figured out yet. Most likely something I am going to have to figure out on my own as usual. I made an appointment with another doctor so I could show him my labs. He took an extensive history and looked perplexed up until the point when he asked me about a box I had checked: Anxiety/Depression. "Well, I have Bipolar but it was not named specifically on the form". Then the mood of the conversation turned along with his explanation of all of my symptoms. He thinks that all of my bodily woes are directly related to my Bipolar. I am depressed. Yet, I don't feel depressed. I am not crying uncontrollably. The world is not a black hole just waiting to suck me up. I just don't have any energy to do anything. That doesn't mean the intentions are not there. I have grand ideas. I just can't execute them. I was offended that he would even suggest such a theory. My hair is falling out because I am depressed? My heart beats so hard that I can hear it reverberating in my head because I am depressed? Does that even make sense to you? He explains that the lack of energy and weight gain are a product of depression and all of the other symptoms are the result of the weight gain; the trickle down effect. The irregular heart beating...panic attacks. I tell him I am not panicked and he explains that a panic attack comes on with no warning or trigger. That would make sense except for my heart starts pounding a short while after I eat so does that not mean anything? Just to be safe, I get to pick up a holter monitor on Monday for a 24 hour stint. I am thinking the printout will read something like this...

Whoop That A$$

2011-03-25T00:23:00.000-04:00

Call me crazy but they all just need a good ass whoopin'! It's probably too late for the older kids but if we start with the Kindergartners in twelve years society would be back to normal. What am I talking about? Corporal punishment. Or at the least the threat of it. All of this coddling is clearly not working...don't care what you say Ms. I breastfed my crumb until he was 8 because I wanted him to know he was loved in the world.

Let me back up. In the past few weeks there has been much scrutiny over situations involving kids in our school district. All kinds of trouble on the school buses, bullies, guns in the school. Just yesterday an elementary student was found hung on the back of the hook in a bathroom stall. It is not clear if someone hung him there or if it was self-inflicted but I find it hard to believe that an 8-year old could sling himself up on that hook. It doesn't seem mechanically possible.
This is some of the recent stories.

So this conversation ensued in response to this video being posted.

Am I crazy?

Alive

2011-03-23T23:25:00.000-04:00

I have been so tired that I don't want to function. I just thought I should let my blogger friends know that I'm still afloat.

All Alone With the Ugliness

2011-03-15T22:16:00.000-04:00

Really that should say it all but I will elaborate. There has been so much going on for the past few months. Things I haven't either been ready to write about or that I just can't muster the focus to pound out such seriousness. Maybe a little of both.

Haylee, my 9 year old has some eating issues. I have had her at the doctor. She has been evaluated, poked for blood and even done a swallow test. For every excuse that she has to not eat it has been countered with medical evidence. I'm not hungry. It hurts to swallow. My tooth is loose. I don't want to eat chocolate chip muffins because it's brown and it reminds me of poo. It makes my lips hurt. Except for I don't want to get fat. She has an appointment in a few weeks with a counselor. Her Pediatrician threw out it may not be an eating disorder but more of an anxiety disorder where she just happens to be fixating on food. Excuse my lack of formal training but isn't that a fucking eating disorder? She was all too excited when she realized she lost five pounds putting her five pounds from needing to be back in a booster seat according to KY law. It's not only the worry of the whole situation but the arguing with her daily to eat anything at all. We have taken special grocery trips where I have let her pick out anything she wants. I have even bought her baby food. She did a little better directly following the doctor's appointment but has fell back into the whole I'm not eating routine. So I try to pyschoanalyze and think maybe she liked the attention of the doctor. Perhaps a weekly trip to a therapist will motivate her to eat....even if she gets a shitty therapist. Another source of distress. I hate picking a fucking doctor out of a directory. Especially, when it is for something as important as this. I have had crazy, quack doctors and I am not about to let some crazy, quack do a number on her head. I am sure I am going to fuck her up all on my own, I don't need any PhDs to give it that extra push.

Another reason for stress, Beau. I feel like he is pulling away from me. So my catastrophic thinking takes over even when logic tries to prevail. It seems like we barely talk anymore. I feel so out of the loop. His sister's SUV has been sitting in my driveway since her car accident in the middle of February and I just found out two days ago that he was supposed to be working on it. Which he wasn't so, of course, I didn't know. He didn't tell me one of the niece's was having a birthday gathering at his Mom's this weekend until a few hours before and that was after Avery told me it was canceled and I asked about it. It drives me crazy not having advance notice for anything and he knows this. I like a plan. I need a plan. He is building some kind of crazy ass barrel boat floating deck with his friend. I am unsure who is funding the floating deck shit that is currently sitting in my driveway (yes, my driveway is jam-packed) but he says his friend is and the friend says "It's everybody's boat" so it begs the question who gets the boat if the Bromance dissolves? At least it's not a dog. It may just be my paranoia but it just seems like everyone is hell bent on keeping shit from me. Maybe they think I am too fragile...or too hostile. Who knows? The only thing I know is that my beach vacation is parked in front of the shed still awaiting the renovation completion.

I went to the doctor last week for the annual physical. Honestly, it's been three years since I have had a full physical and I was thinking I was having a thyroid issue or the diabetes has set in. I had gestational diabetes twice so it wouldn't be unexpected. I have gained a crazy amount of weight in just a few months and my diet and lifestyle hasn't been any different than always. I spoke to the Dr's assistant today and she reports my thyroid and sugar are normal but my cholesterol is high. Apparently, I have gravy chugging through my veins so a prescription is in order to correct it. Yippee. One more fucking pill. I guess if I want to live I will jump on the treadmill and eat a plain, nasty-ass salad everyday. Or maybe I won't. There are eight places that I can crash my car successfully without harming any innocent bystanders on my way from dropping the girls at school. Five, if I am not dropping the neighbor kid at her school. I counted them today.

I don't understand the mood I am in. I am semi-OK one minute and the next everything is so hopeless, worthess....ugly.

Bipolar is ugly. Life is ugly. But I kind of feel better now.

Stupid Bipolar

2011-03-14T22:12:00.000-04:00

My moods have been so erratic for the last three or four months. Up and Down and all the tools that I have learned to keep from going one way or the other have failed me. I am not completely stuck in a depressive episode but it is there hanging over my head. My anxiety is pretty high fueled by the catastrophic thinking. I should be thankful that I am not a weepy mess. My focus is so bad that I actually forgot where Mandi and I had lunch today. It took me a good minute to recall. My sleep has been erratic too. I can't fall asleep at night and when I finally do I am getting 4 maybe 5 hours at best. I am exhausted all day and end up passing out on the couch at some point during the day. So I am now caught in a vicious cycle of my days and nights being mixed up. I saw the doctor last week and he gave me a new sleep aid. It is supposed to help me fall asleep fast but that has yet to happen. I am having crazy dreams that wake me up. Nothing brutal, just mixed up and crazy. It drives me crazy that I cannot remember them when I wake up so that I can tell them to someone...anyone. I am waiting on blood work to determine if my thyroid is out of whack...or something else. I have gained about 25 pounds since the reunion and my lifestyle and diet is no different than all of the months before. I have all of these great plans in my head. I can't put them into action. There are so many things that I want to do and can't manage to even start them.

Stupid Bipolar.

Facebook and Bieber

2011-02-25T00:59:00.001-05:00

That was yesterday.

Haylee has been having some issues and had a doctor's appointment today. It included blood work. She is terrified of needles and turns into a screaming, flailing mess at the mere thought. I bribed her with a trip to the mall to get cute boots where she also picked out a little teeny-bopper magazine. I was so relieved that she didn't stab the lab tech with her own needle that I let her get the magazine too. Apparently, she was a good sister and shared some of the posters with Avery. I walked into their room to see if they were asleep and both girls were laying like little angels and then I was snapped back to reality when I caught a glimpse of this taped above Avery's bed.

And tonight...

Damn it, Avery!! I'm not a lorser!

It's been a Bieber kinda week!

Dad

2011-02-16T00:07:00.000-05:00

This post is dedicated to my sister whom I love very much. Mandi sent me a message on facebook tonight that she was distraught. She lost Dad's Obituary from the newspaper. The tattered, yellowed from age cut-out that has survived under a magnet on her refrigerator for eight years and three moves. I think she noticed it was gone because eight years ago today we buried our Dad. She said that and the plant from the funeral home is all she has left of him. That is not exactly true. She has his nose and his hands and when she gets really mad she has his cold, cold eyes. And we all have our memories...as distorted as they may become with time.

Dad was a grizzly man. A raging alcoholic. Most days he was not very nice. More than half my life I wished he were dead. It wasn't until the last few years of his life that I stopped feeling that way. Don't get me wrong. There were good things about him but most of the time they were buried under cases of Old Milwaukee.

The time when I was a teenager that he called me a whore was balanced out by the time he realized he overreacted and bought me a shiny new ten speed to make up for it. The time in 8th grade that I had pink eye so badly that the school called him to pick me up from school and the subsequent bashing of said pink eye was balanced out by the time he rushed to the accident scene where he found me bleeding and barely conscious. The time when he pulled a knife on me because Mom left him and it was all my fault was balanced out by the time he told me he was really proud of me when I worked to get promoted from the Receptionist to the HR Manager.

For as bad as he was most of my life, I miss him. A new show will come out and I will think Boy, Dad would have really liked this show or Dad would be going crazy over this Pitino/Sypher sex scandal or I sure wish he could see my kids now.

I have more to say but I am crying like a little bitch so I am going to stop.

Donald P.

Donald P. , 62, of Louisville, died Wednesday at xxxxxxxxxxxxxl. He was retired from the Army and a Baptist. He is survived by his wife, the former Janice ; three daughters, Cherie, Donda and Mandi ; two sons, Tony and Charlee ; a sister, Beulah ; and four grandchildren. Funeral services will be held at 10 a.m. Saturday at xxxxxxxxxxxxx. Family and friends should meet at the cemetery. Visitation will be from 3-8 p.m. Friday at xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx,. Memorial gifts may go to the American Diabetes Association.

Published on February 15, 2003

Sick and Twisted

2011-02-06T23:53:00.000-05:00

Time flies when you're not paying attention. I knew I hadn't blogged in quite some time but I didn't realize it had been almost a month. This is the time of year when the chemicals in my brain goes awry. I don't know why. Maybe it's the lack of sun. It's not like I haven't had eventful things happen in the past month. It's not like I am depressed and just can't pull myself out of the crease in the couch that is the spitting image of my ass. I log into blogger and I think I want to write but I cannot organize my thoughts. I can't read either. When my brain does "this" it is a huge undertaking just to read my friends' facebook statuses. It's not that I am uninterested in what is going on in their lives; it's just too difficult to feel any enthusiasm for anything. Maybe it is some form of depression. The experts say that lack of interest in things you normally enjoy is a sign. My past depressions have always been unmistakable. Classic uncontrollable crying in the hours that I was not sleeping. But maybe that is the reason that reading my favorite blogs or even watching my favorite TV shows seems like a chore.

I have been sick with the chest cold virus crap since last Saturday. I felt it coming on Friday night when I sneezed four times. I medicated all day Saturday to get through the Passion Party I hosted for Buffy. I had a really good turnout and there were plenty of laughs. The party games made me realize that I am not the most competitive of my friends.

I guess after the photo there is really no need to elaborate further but I will point out the empty cups. Inhibitions? Huh? What? A group of us headed to the usual spot after the fondling ceased where we saw something that was more interesting than the three-pronged Pharaoh. It may just be the eighth wonder of the world.

OK, that's all I can muster. I do feel better today but my brain is still a plate of spaghetti. At least, I am not agitated.

Bipolar Agitation

2011-01-13T21:40:00.000-05:00

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Having Bipolar Disorder brings a whole new meaning to this age old adage.

I knew it was inevitable. I have been wildly manic for the past two weeks or so. Usually, "the super excited, happy, fabulous" is followed by "fuck you, fuck the world, fuck your Mama, shut the fuck up". I woke up this morning highly agitated. If you have never felt this magnitude of piss-offedness you probably can't fully understand. There was no trigger, with, maybe, the exception of the fact that my sleep has been so irregular lately. At best, four hours a night. Sometimes I will catch a nap after I drop the girls off at school but most times that doesn't happen. Even still, four hours of sleep followed by three hours of awake followed by three hours of sleep does not make for a healthy night's sleep. I think it has been scientifically proven that you can not "catch up on your sleep". Sleep is of the utmost importance when you have a mood disorder.

Envision this: You just found out that you were passed over for the promotion and it was given to the girl that you trained and have been doing her work for her since she was hired because she is nice enough and frankly, you feel sorry for her because she really is the epitome of stupid. Or. You just found out that your spouse is having an affair...with your best friend and the big date he just took you on were paid with gift cards that his mistress gave to him. Have you ever watched "The Breakup" and felt the need to smash your flatscreen then polish off a bottle of Riesling? How pissed are you? Are the veins in your neck bulging? Now multiply that by 100. That is what Bipolar agitation feels like for me. Except, most times there is nothing more stressful than a sink full of dishes going on at the moment.

I looked around the house at the mess that always awaits me each new morning. I was pissed.
Avery did not want to wear the jumper I pulled out this morning. I was pissed.
Haylee did not eat her cereal. I was pissed.
Bryan Adams was wailing on the car radio. I was pissed.
I had to make a conscience effort to keep my eyes on the road and my car in the lane for fear of wrapping it around a phone pole. I was that pissed.
I looked over Haylee's Girl Scout cookie order bullshit. I was pissed.
Why do I have to sell mother fucking cookies? I didn't want to be a Girl Scout when I was a girl, so I sure as fuck don't want to be one now. I was pissed.
I get home from dropping the girls at school and again look at the squalor. I was pissed.
I stripped the slip covers from the sectional to throw in the washer. I was pissed.
My nose started bleeding. I was pissed.
I ran into the corner of the doorway because I can't slow down. I was pissed.
I took a remedy. Within 20 minutes, I was not pissed.
I passed out.
I woke up...pissed.
I started cleaning. I sniffed too much bleach. My nose is pissed.
I got the hiccups. I was really pissed.
I asked Beau to pick me up a box of wine, dishwasher tabs, a box of Gain and furniture polish. He came back with three. What do you think he forgot? I was soooooo pissed.
He went back.
I am beginning to not feel so pissed.

I know this is only temporary. This too shall pass. I may wake up tomorrow fine and dandy, I may still be pissed or the usual that follows "the pissed", depressed. If I had to choose between the two evils I think I would choose pissed.

Disclaimer: I did not proofread this because I am too pissed.

Facebook Changes

2011-01-12T00:20:00.000-05:00

I love facebook. Most of the time. But when they go changing shit, I hate facebook. I just clicked on my profile wall and noticed something I have never seen before. "Memorable Stories". It pulls up random statuses that you have posted in the past. It is like a stroll down memory lane. Well done, facebook. Well done.

Here is just a sampling....

Donda In the words of the creepy woman from Poltergeist, this house is clean. Still tons of laundry but at least a ribeye ain't creepin' across my kitchen counter!

September 16, 2010

Donda Is there a doctor in the house? I keep having headaches that feel like my brain is burning. I know I am not thinking that fast that I am burnin' it up!!

January 15, 2010

DondaVODKA: proof that money CAN buy happiness =)

October 28, 2009

Donda Jesse Ventura on the View discussing his book and the 9/11 conspiracy. He says US govt planned it, Barbara asks why and he says money....she acts dumbfounded and says, but to kill over 3,000 people? C'mon Barbara, your a journalist. Bank robbers kill over money, Mobsters kill over money, scorn spouses kill over money. Money is the root of all evil.

March 10, 2010

Donda Watching Idol and I just want to cut that little boy's hair so bad or give him some frizz ease or something!!!

The Peon Diaries~Chapter Six

2011-01-10T13:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary,

It has been a while since I have written. Things they are a changin'. The castle has been in an uproar. I completely blame CB for leaving abruptly. The Queen started hemorrhaging money like a Democrat on booze and extra security. Fearing the other high-priced hookers would up and leave and she would be left with only the East Side Hookers, she devised a plan. She began allowing the money-makers to have their own security detail. CB inevitably returned. You can take the girl out of the brothel but you can't take the brothel out of the girl. She unwittingly fell in line and requested her own personal security staff as well. The Queen's plan was working. The girls think that it was their idea that they needed extra protection. The Queen decided a while ago that she could no longer be head pimp so she began planting insecurities in the minds of the princesses. She has been successful in delegating the menial task of keeping these bitches focused on what is important. The Gin fund. How can she get properly plastered if she is constantly worrying that the girls are not going to turn a profit?

After reviewing the financials(don't ask how I got my hands on them), it has been a rather profitable last quarter.

The extra security has come in handy as there has been a threat to the Royals. The tabloids initially reported it as a siting of the legendary chupacabra but after further investigation it was determined to be a duck-billed platypus. Shew! That was a close one. We were worried for a moment it was an actual threat. Granted the chupacabra is more aesthetically pleasing, it certainly poses more of a threat. Leave it to the trash magazines to try and make the story out to be something bigger than it is.

Blog Stalk Friday

2011-01-07T14:59:00.000-05:00

It's been a long while since I joined a hop. The PMS snuck up on me a week early so I am feeling rather shitty....kinda like a duck-billed platypus. I am not going to ramble on.

That's Just $hitacular

2011-01-05T20:23:00.000-05:00

I'll start tomorrow. The story of my life.

Today has been absolutely shitacular! I started off on a little over four hours of sleep and a nicotine deficiency so right there should tell you that maybe it might not be such a great day.

On my way home from dropping the girls at school I was almost run down by a soccer Mom trying to pass me. It must have been time for this bitch to rinse the Lilt home perm out of her hair. Rush home to your egg timer, whore, don't mind me.

Because I am manic as hell, I managed to clean the house in under two hours. When I made it to the bathroom, I was rather disgusted to find that someone pissed on the rim of the toilet. Big, dark orange, nasty drops. I wipe it down everyday. I have my boys trained so it was either the houseguest that we had yesterday is secretly suffering from Parkinson's or one of my boys is getting sloppy and trying to fuck with my sensibilities. I hate to think the latter.

Right before that whole pisstastrophe I managed to set my kitchen trash can ablaze. I brought my ashtray in from outside to dump it after I had taken half a smoke and began unloading the dishwasher. Lahdee dah. Not smelling anything...until I remember that I had left my facebook online and I figured that someone would be sending me a message and be all riled up if I didn't answer. I bounded past the trash can to rectify the situation and apparently caused a backdraft with my big ass because smoke started rolling. I didn't even realize where the smoke was coming from but I was seriously bout to stop, drop and roll! I extinguished it quickly but it smelled terrible for hours.

Prior to all that, I realized the magnitude of the passive-aggressive. Remember when I blogged about going out six days ago? Well, he is still carrying the quiet anguish because I look to find that one of his facebook statuses read, "call it "Grabbin A$$, Stealin' Pens, and BJ's just his name-O" in response to someone saying he should start a country/metal fusion band. That would be the name of his first single. Do you see the passive-aggressive here?
So what do I do?

A big, ugly screaming match ensued. OK, I am screaming and he is hanging up but whatever. If he has learned anything over the years I would hope it would be not to antagonize me in the middle of a mania. I go from highly productive, happy-go-lucky to crazy, fuckin' loon in 2.5. Why would you want to screw that up?

So anyway, back to the whole thing about starting tomorrow. I smoked more today than yesterday and I ate a big, fucking, double chocolate muffin and a chili dog.

I Resolve To

2011-01-05T00:08:00.000-05:00

I make at least one resolution every year and most always they usually don't make it out of January alive. This year is going to be different. I have been thinking long and hard about what I want to accomplish this year and at the top of the list is, of course, the age old "quit smoking" and "lose weight".

Instead of just saying it, I have devised a plan.

To quit smoking (and I have been trying to do this since September) I am weaning myself off. I started on Sunday and I am down to seven a day. Which sounds like a lot but it's really not. I am awake about 18 hours so that is like one every two and a half hours. Tomorrow it will be every three and half hours and the next day, four and a half hours and so on until I can go all 18 hours with no smokes. I have quit three times. When I was a teenager I smoked with my friend Jamie and when I stopped hanging around with her I didn't smoke anymore. Just stopped. When I was 21, I started smoking again after my ex's stupid ass affair. When I got pregnant with my son, I quit but started again when my ex's son started getting dumped on my doorstep on a regular basis. I have never talked about him because he passed away in 2005 but one day I will. In 1999, I quit for the two-week hospital stay when Dr. Letmecutyouthefuckupandsendyouhome ripped my insides to shreds with a lap-scope. I guess you can't count that time because I was mostly sedated and had tubes and shit all hooked up to me. I think I can, I think I can.

Losing weight. I have done this too. And gained it back again. I was looking at pictures from New Year's Eve, and frankly, I look like the Nutty Professor. My skin looks like latex and I really, really do not like it. I know part of it is this stupid medication but mostly it is because my exercise regimen consists of a few trips to the basement with a laundry basket on my hip and lifting the box of wine from the refrigerator. This is going to be the harder goal. I like immediate gratification so when I wear my ass out on the treadmill for an hour it really pisses me off that I don't see a difference or feel a difference so in one day, I am defeated. To accomplish my goal of fifty pounds, I am going to break it down. Five pounds a month seems like an easier thing to achieve than saying fifty pounds. By my 39th birthday I will be where I want to be. I am going to do what I have done in the past to lose weight. A low-glycemic diet like the one that I had to follow when I had gestational diabetes. I have a treadmill, a stationary bike, several Wii Fit thingies, a medicine ball and wrist and ankle weights so there is really no excuse for not exercising. I just need to reprogram my brain. I think I can, I think I can.

I also want to regulate my sleep and see NKOTB in concert.

New Year's Eve

2011-01-03T01:18:00.000-05:00

New Year's Eve. Boy oh boy, I was feeling lousy. Not so much puky as this couch needs me and I need a feet transplant. I had danced so much the night before in heels on a warped dance floor where there had previously been clumsy bitches throwin' down and spillin' valuable booze. How in the filth flying filth was I going to pull it together enough to partake in the New Year's festivities? By the grace of the Vodka Gods, of course.

By the time I started getting gussied up, Beau was still being a bit passive-aggressive about me going out the night before. The biggest reason that I never go out ANYWHERE without him. It does not matter that he goes running on the daily with his friends doing things he likes to do, he always has a knack for making me feel guilty about going anywhere. Most of our life together I have found that "it" is never worth the silent treatment that is sure to follow. I don't know if I am having a moment of reckoning or some kind of epiphany or my medication is truly effective but it doesn't much matter the way it used to. Don't get me wrong, it is aggravating because I am a say what you mean and mean what you say type of girl and that wishy-washy go have fun, but I wouldn't advise it bullshit is just that...bullshit.

So anyway, I managed to give myself a half-ass makeover and we stepped next door to our neighbor's house for a spell. They were having a party but our plan was to go to our usual place. I like to be in the energy and excitement of a crowd when the clock strikes midnight. There ended up being a pretty large group of us. I had organized the posse on the off chance that crazy bartender might be there. SarahLou came packing a bottle of FDS and I had Bobbie and Stephanie with their guns a blazin'! Fortunately, psycho-spritzer was not working and I never saw her come in as a patron so the only thing that caused me injury was the fried green tomatoes. Mandi was super excited because she is always trying to perpetrate like she is a lover, not a fighter! Woo Hoo!

We found ourselves star-gazing again. My Cousin Vinnie was in the honky-tonk. He kept lifting his basketball jersey. Yeah, that was nasty. There was a woman with a hair beret. OK, we really couldn't determine if the hat was on the hair or the hair was on the hat so that kept us occupied for a good minute. There was an encore of the Humpty Dance but I was prepared this time, I wore the flat boots.

Now, I have to make some resolutions.

New Year's Eve Eve

2011-01-02T21:05:00.001-05:00

I made an error in judgment. Rewind to last Tuesday when I was invited to go out to dinner with a few people from high school. I tried to resist but Sarah-Belle tempted me with the prospect of mucho chippos. How can you resist that? I agreed but I did so knowing that there is no such thing as "just dinner" just like there is no such thing as "just one little drink". I had to save something for New Year's Eve, didn't I?

Awww!! Ain't she just precious? And her Mama and Aunt were just as delightful.

At dinner, Nikki lifted the carafe of salsa and naively asked if it was a Bloody Mary with no celery. She was convinced (and had convinced us, as well) that Pablo should have been pouring the salsa all along. Seriously? Where in the hell do you get your salsa poured for you? I need to be spoiled like that. Strike that. I am too much of a control freak to be having someone else in charge of the chippos. Jose, just sit them right there. Gracias. Now, get the fuck away! I guess after that blow she shouldn't have been surprised that she would have to exit the building to find the facilities. I was under the impression that outcans were only popular in truck stops and the year 1908.

It was decided that everyone was going to go to an Irish pub after dinner. There was to be an event called life-sized Jenga. While I have no fucking clue what that was, Sarah-Lou and I were convinced by the others that it was early yet and it would be lots of fun. Sarah-Lou was driving me so I was at her mercy. There was no Jenga but as soon as we got to the bar, I started spotting celebrity look-a-likes. I found a guy that looked like that kid on Nickelodeon or Disney with the voice that makes you want to jump off the top floor of a parking garage rather than hear one more syllable. Fred, I think. Then I found Chris Tucker. I was so excited by my find that I scooped him up and made him run lines on the table. I be shutting up but when he walk away, I be talkin' again. OK, I am pretty certain that I was the only one being thoroughly entertained by Smoky but whatever. Our waiter's name was BJ. I ganked his ink pen after I wrote "I heart BJs" on his arm. I still have his pen.

We decided that we wanted to dance so we ventured to a club next door. The DJ looked like Drew Carey, pre-Price is Right, pre-successful lap band surgery. I talked him into playing some old school tunes. Nikki thought she was gathering the crew up to leave but not before we did the Humpty Dance. It's real easy to do. By this time, my liver had a protective outer coating of vodka and my feet were effin' killing me. I really was limpin' to the side like my leg was broken. Somebody had to take my boots off in order for me to make it back to Sarah-Lou's swagger wagon.

It was nearly three AM...on a week night. I don't do that. I never go out on a school night. I think I kept saying that randomly through the night. No wonder people kept asking me if I am a school teacher.

There were so many other things that were fun or funny including but not limited to: Limes with the Salmonella. The prepubescent, nerd boy whose tie I tried to gank. A real-life, hard-core, Crocodile Dundee pimp that threatened to throw me in the Bay. I think he meant Ohio River but that's just geography. The artsy-ones that think Sarah-Lou and I would benefit from an eight week course of "franks n beans". Grabbing Santa's ass. The life the lesbian saved. Shut your face! I think he's a swinger! And....I am taking 45% and the dental/vision is still on the table.

As expected, I felt like total crap the next day but I can't recall ever having such a fun Thursday night!

The Five Days of Christmas

2010-12-29T01:44:00.000-05:00

OK, it is really only two days but with all the back and forth it was five.

Let me explain. Tradition has been that we go to Beau's Mom's on Christmas Eve, then Christmas day for dinner and then to my family's which is typically hosted by my cousin, Stacey. This year Stacey had to work so Mandi hosted the festivities for our family.

Every family has different traditions and Christmas means something different to everyone. Remember the Love Languages? For my family it is about the food and Beau's side, the gifts.

This year was a total clusterfuck as far as scheduling goes and, the anal clock watcher that I am, stressed me the hell out. Stressed. The. Hell. Out.

On Christmas Eve everything went off without a hitch. All of the Aunts and Uncles pass out their gifts to the nieces and nephews. There's about a dozen of them. We used to do our adult gift exchange until one of Beau's sister's moved to Ohio and she doesn't come into town until Christmas day. The gift exchange has a different theme each year and we draw names. This year it was "locally owned" or as I like to call it "sticking it to the man". Gifts could not be purchased from a major retailer.

The Grandkids minus, the Ohio Three

Christmas morning we wake up to this and the kids were delighted.

That took about a half hour to plow through.
And I got this...don't be jealous.

We finished our morning routine and headed to Beau's Mom's at 1:30. The time we were told to be there. Apparently, we were told a different time than everyone else because everyone was there and had already opened their presents and I didn't get to get pictures of it. I am a picture taking fool so I was kind of disappointed. The kids opened their "Santa" presents and after that played with the cousins and their new toys. It was nearing 4:30 (when I first met Beau dinner was at 1:00ish and year after year it gets a little later)and dinner was not done. We had only been snacking on a veggie tray and I, for one, was starving. We were supposed to be at Mandi's between 4:30 and 5:00.

Here was my dilemma. A no-win situation. Leave and go to Mandi's and eat cold dinner and have the In-laws pissed at me or stay and wait for the warm dinner and have Mandi pissed at me. Beau convinced me to leave and said he talked to his Mom and assured me that she was OK with it. The importance of me going is because this happened earlier in the day. Mom refused to come to Christmas. She was having some sort of moment of insanity. Mandi called her and bitched her out. Mandi called me crying hysterically. I called Mom and she sounded like she was doing PCP or something for all the sense that she made. Said she wasn't coming, wouldn't give me a reason and told me to go ahead and scream at her because Mandi already had. This is Mandi's first time hosting a holiday and she was really disappointed that Mom had no desire to show up. So, here I am thinking she is probably going to go postal if I don't hurry up and get there.

We leave for Mandi's under the condition that we will go back to Beau's Mom's later to do the gift exchange because his sister still hadn't made it to town. I lose my buzz on the drive over. But oh sweet relief, I got some food. Fat bitches gotta eat! We did our small little gift thing at Mandi's, drank, laughed a lot...mostly at my brother Charlee.

Mandi had a minor meltdown when she found out we had to leave and go back to Beau's Mom's because she wanted us to play my new Glee karaoke and hang out all night. So we leave with the promise that we will return with the Wii game. I lose my buzz on the drive over.

Back at Beau's Mom's we do our gift exchange. I got the best candles ever. One smells like fresh laundry...you must get one for yourself. It's called stress relief. I need to eat the bitch! Ya think? So we do all that, eat some more chocolate and we are ready to head back to Mandi's. At this point I really do want to say fuck it, put me to bed but I trudge on. We load up the two 90 gallon trash bags full of presents into the van and drop them off with Alex at the house because he had had enough.

Back at Mandi's I try to get a buzz and some good video. Glee karaoke is harder than one would think!

We finally got home about midnight. Next year, I am either going out of town or having an open house and if you want to see me, my husband or my kids you can come to me because that was just too damn much. And I didn't even get any fudge!

Twelve Days

2010-12-24T14:50:00.000-05:00

Like "Miracle on 34th Street", "A Christmas Story" and the Legendary "Christmas Vacation" a good Christmas tale never goes out of fashion.

I wrote this last year so in case you missed it, I am posting it again.

On the Twelth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Twelve Drummers Drumming. Oh No he didn't!! You know I don't want that racket up in here. You can go ahead and take all them OCD tappity-tappers on up out of this house!!

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...Eleven Pipers Piping. WTF?? Did you get aBOGO on the drummers and pipers? Unless, these are the kind of pipers that can boost my water pressure by 8,000 PSI you are going to have to load them up in the truck and drop them off over there with the drummers!!

On the Tenth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me.....Ten Lords a Leaping. Now, See!! That is the kinda gift I can really get behind! Men in tights dancing around my living room. It doesn't hurt that every third one looks like Matthew McConaughey!! I will definitely be hittin' up the Ebay for that FestivusPole!!

On the Ninth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Nine Ladies Dancing. I'm pretty sure he got these for himself! Look here Hookers, you can stay as long as you keep your grubby paws off my Lords...they leap for me!!!

On the Eighth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Eight Maids a Milking. Sadly, I have no livestock to be tended. I don't even play Farmville. However, I do have, laundry, toilets and windows. What's this you say? You specialize in dairy products? Then jog your ass to the kitchen and whip me up a Quiche!!

On the Seventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me.....Seven Swans a Swimming. I do hope this is a metaphor for seven insanely hot synchronized swimmers. And, now I must go fill the tub and find my swim cap!!

On the Sixth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Six Geese a Laying. WTF? A gift card would have been sufficient. What are your thoughts onregifting? Merry Christmas Drummers and Pipers!! Enjoy!!

On The Fifth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Five Golden Rings. OH SNAP! This is the best Christmas ever!! Gonna get up in the attic and dig out my hammer pants and my Run DMC cassettes!!Flava Flav eat your heart out!!

On the Fourth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Four Calling Birds. Call girls, NOT call birds.Geez! You never listen to me!

On the Third Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Three French Hens. WTF? Did your rich uncle pass and bequeath you an effin' poultry farm? Is this like a cornish hen? Do I stuff it and bake it on 375? There's french wine, french toast, french fries....I could have even learned to play the french horn, ya know!!

On the Second Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Two Turtle Doves. More effin' birds? You've got to beshitting me!! Am I being punked? Ashton, where you at?

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...A Partridge in a Pear Tree. Bitch, you are going to be delicious with a pear-mango salsa! Thanks Rachel Ray! Your new cookbook is almost as delightful as your voice!

Ho Ho Ho Yes, Hookers!! I am talking to you :)

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T01:56:00.000-05:00

Here's wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. I hope you get everything you want :)

Christmas Spirit

2010-12-18T01:28:00.001-05:00

Sometimes a good carol will just spark the Christmas spirit.

Weirdness and Presents

2010-12-17T00:41:00.000-05:00

I have been in the weirdest mood lately. Not exactly down or up and I don't know that it has anything to do with the Bipolar but I have no desire to do anything. I have been generally happy laid up on the couch watching Christmas movies on Lifetime. I am not sad or sappy so it doesn't feel like a depression where I just lay on the couch. What is most weird is, I have no desire to clean and I really could care less if Jesus himself came down off the cross and sat next to my pile of folded laundry on the couch. Usually, I am overly concerned about how the house looks just in case a friend or CPS drops by. Yes, that's my paranoia. I rarely have guests and when I do they usually have the good manners to ring me beforehand. My brain is just stupid lately.

We have been under snow/ice since Sunday so maybe that has something to do with it. I hate winter. I hate the cold. I would be perfectly content living in 90 degrees and sunny all year long.

Dani has been staying here the past few nights because Mandi has been iced in her neighborhood. We have been getting along really good. I hope it lasts. Last night I recruited her to help me start wrapping gifts. We knocked out about 30 last night. I got EmiJo one of those DQ blizzard makers and it is packaged in the most asinine of boxes. I made up new profanities trying to wrap that bitch. I am going to submit them to Urban Dictionary. I should have put that shit in a Kroger bag and tied it up with a fucking bow.I was not compensated for that review.

I still have a bit of shopping left to do and I am running out of time. I always wait until the last minute to do most everything. I am a little ahead of the game this year but not by much.

Also, something has happened to my "funny". I have no witty comebacks. I really don't like this at all. I guess I know what I am asking for for Christmas.

Prison Love and Tabloids

2010-12-13T15:39:00.000-05:00

I love the tabloids. While I usually stick with US Weekly or InTouch there was a "Where are they now" article in the Globe and I really wanted to know what happened to the dude from Night Court.

I never thought myself to be naive but after stumbling across these personal ads I just may be a little. It never occurred to me how people in prison come to be married. It does clear up for me how that stupid girl fell in love with one of the Menendez brothers and ended up marrying him while he was in prison. I wonder if she was responding to an ad in the Globe.

But it does beg the question, Who the fat answers these ads? What kind of fucked up lonely must you be to think inmate #68745 is a real fine catch?

This is a big money business too. It could cost up to a hundred bones to post an ad and then you have to pay to respond. Love don't cost a thang, my ass! The upside, most of the inmates are releasing soon so there could be a real, tangible lovematch develop from their comissary funds!

Correctional Institute Inmate, 39, blonde, green eyes. Sexy, Sassy & Classy

Sidenote: Bull is DWM, two children, no TV/computer and enjoys fly-fishing. I can hook ya up! Of course, there will be a small fee involved.

Stays In The Honky Tonk

2010-12-11T21:27:00.000-05:00

If you have ever wondered what happens in a little honky tonk past 2am, you need wonder no more! Pay close attention to the commentary.

We watched this couple half the night. Seriously, the bar was pretty empty so that was the most entertainment we had until we found Mullet. More on that in a moment.

After our fill of this mess, we found a new victim. Who we will call Mullet. Ok, we really did call him mullet. He was pretty smitten with Bobbie.

What is more fun than a mullet?
A mullet in an Avatar shirt! By the way, he was not shot in the chin with a Red Rider BB gun.

It's Almost Avery's Birthday

2010-12-08T22:41:00.006-05:00

My little Avery's birthday is in two days. She is going to be seven. ACKK! They keep getting older and dragging me with them! That child says some stuff that just tickles me.

Alex was training Avery how to unload and load the dishwasher. He is really trying to get rid of that chore and she is willing, so be it. She walks into the living room and with a little sass she asks, "Mommy, on that little bar of soap don't the red ball go on top?" To which I reply, "yes". She looks at Alex all knowing and says "aaaa see, I told you"!

I was chatting with Danielle on facebook and we had quite a conversation going. Avery is sitting next to me and looks at our chat box and asks why we don't use periods. "You have to use punchyou-ation, you know. I learned that in school. You have to use it when you write". She gets that anal grammatical crap honest. It drives me insane when someone posts on their status something to the effect of "I think I did good on my triganomtry test today". Yep, but I bet you bombed that English quiz!

When she grows up she is going to be a something great, I just wish it wouldn't happen so quickly.

Sidenote: My TV is back in commission and all is right with the world again!

I Want to Cram A...

2010-12-06T21:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know how it happened but between the 7 O'clock and 8 O'clock hour I had a major mood shift. It is the worst kind. The kind that doesn't ease it's way into your system so that you have time to know it is coming, prepare yourself and do whatever you have to do to ward it off. No. It's the kind that just BAM hits you with no warning. I was sitting here on the couch with the girls watching Hannah Montana and without anyone touching the remote the volume seemed to rise to decibels that can only be heard by dogs. I wanted to jump into the electronic box and pummel her nasally ass. I decided right away that maybe if I had a glass of wine it would reduce the sudden anger I was feeling. I walked into the kitchen to pour a glass where Beau was making himself a cup of instant cider. In a glass glass. With a metal spoon. He rotated that spoon no less than 50 times clanking it against the glass wall and I am pretty sure a part of my brain exploded as I bent into the refrigerator.

I would love to know why this noise thing bothers me so much, so often? What part of my brain chemistry is so ill wired that normal, everyday noise makes me want to cram a melon-baller in my ear?

Year in Review

2010-12-06T17:30:00.003-05:00

WOW! It is hard to believe that this year is almost done and gone. You can imagine my excitement when I found this app on facebook to remind me of all the crazy that has come out of my mouth in 2010!

Blown Lamp and Christmas Lights

2010-12-05T01:26:00.000-05:00

It's beginning to feel a bit like Christmas. We had our first substantial snow last night/today with almost an inch of accumulation.

We took the kids on a drive tonight looking for Christmas lights. I baked some cookies to take with us. Dani was off work this evening so she even got to go. It was so nice all of us being together doing something that feels like what a normal family would do.

Haylee and Avery went to Pappy's work Christmas party today. They said the line was too long to see Santa but Avery wasn't very keen on the idea in the first place. They each won a toy in the "kid drawing" and got their faces painted. That is why Haylee's nose is so read. She has not been tippin' the bottle! And yes, they have on their jammies.

Most of the houses we saw were really pretty but one just blew me away.

That music was coming from the Christmas display. Pretty cool, huh?
(no need to point out that I am a sucky videographer)

Haylee started feeling sick (most likely from all of those cookies) so we had to cut it short. We came back home and watched the sequel to The Christmas Shoes which made me cry almost as much as the first one. I found another really cute Christmas movie and we were about twenty minutes into it when the lamp blew in our TV. It popped so loud that I thought I got shot. Ho down! Then reality set in. My big TV is out of commission until we can order and have shipped or find some place locally that sells it. This is going to suck donkey balls.

Not Again

2010-12-01T19:10:00.000-05:00

I made a mistake. Last night Haylee had to make a bookmark for her Native American project. I pulled out the yarn and taught her how to crochet. Well, the best that I could. She did pretty good but I got the bright idea I was going to weave a scarf. Now I feel like I am spiraling down. Let me back up. A few years ago my Sister-in-law Debi taught me to crochet so Beau got me a nice treasure chest chock full of supplies. A video, needles, books with patterns and tons of yarn. I crocheted for four days straight and it was so calming that it put me into a depression that lasted more than two weeks.

All day long I have felt like I am having an out of body experience of sorts. All of my actions are slowed and they don't feel like my own. I actually fell back to sleep this morning after dropping off the girls and I fear if Mandi would not have called near noon that I would have slept all day. I got teary-eyed when watching some dumbass Christmas commercial and for the most part my cluttered brain has been replaced with a blank stare. I have done nothing in the way of housework so, once again, my house looks like an episode of Cops minus the dirty diapers and three rednecks in wifebeaters on the couch with crushed beer cans implanted into their forehead.

I stopped crocheting.

Bipolar Love

2010-11-30T00:01:00.000-05:00

I get sappy this time of year. I don't know if it is because of the lack of effin' sunlight or that the holidays ask you to focus on what's important.

I know I don't say it enough but I have a great husband. I don't want to paint a picture that everything is perfect or ever has been because that is not the case but he, over time, has become perfect for me. I know that sounds cliche but it is pretty accurate. I cannot see me without him in my life. I can't look ahead and envision a future without him in it. With my first husband, I could. It was so easy for me to imagine going out to eat or shopping or pretty much any activity with some other faceless man.

Beau has always been there for me when it mattered most. After my near fatal surgery, when my Dad died, every depression, including the one that almost ended it all. All the bad stuff.

It is hard to be in a relationship with a person with Bipolar. I recognize that. It takes a special kind of patience to handle the mood swings, erratic behavior, paranoia, impulsivity, rages and the non-stop crying. Just when you get comfortable and everything seems to be going smoothly...BAM!

A moment of inattention turns into wondering. Is he not talking to me because he is talking to someone else? The paranoia fuels the wondering. Who are you screwing? Then the catastrophic thinking takes a life of it's own. He has found someone else. He is going to leave me and take our kids and some skanky whore is going to try to raise my kids. Let me find out who she is. The impulsivity provokes you to call his phone over and over until he answers because you are not about to be ignored and you have the immediate need to be heard. You spend hours trying to crack the password to his email and even after he gives you the password you swear up and down there are multiple accounts that he is hiding. By this time, the agitation owns you. It is impossible to be anything but angry. Forgetting to take out the trash is a direct result of your current fling, you asshole! When you scream until you can't scream anymore, you scream some more. Until you cry. Then you cry uncontrollably for hours, days, weeks, months. You cry until. Until you wake up out of the depression that is almost sure to follow a mania of such magnitude.

That vicious circle was a big part of our life until the last few years. Not all of the suspicion was baseless but the mood disorder certainly amplified my reaction to it all. He stood by me despite it and I love him for that.

Disclaimer: If any girl ever tries to touch my man I will turn her arms into floor lamps.

Thanksgiving Recap

2010-11-28T22:39:00.000-05:00

This kind of mania is excellent for completing tasks.

In the past four days I have cleaned the hell out of my house, prepped, cooked and served 18 people a scrumptious Thanksgiving feast. Isn't that bitch beautiful? That was a rhetorical question. Of course it is! We had a few extra this year. My cousin, Bobbie and her son and our friends from next door. Everyone was kinda of negative Nelly all day though.

After dinner here for my side of the family, we went to Beau's Mom's. Every year on Thanksgiving we draw names for the adults. In addition to drawing a name we always pick a theme. This year is "locally owned" or as I call it "sticking it to the man" as gifts cannot be purchased from a chain store. Beau and I drew the same names we had last year and that was after the second draw because more than half of us got the same exact people we got last year. There's about 14 of us so I don't know how that happened!

I took a big chunk out of my Christmas Shopping on Black Friday. I have almost everything done for my four kids and a few of the extended family. I put up the Christmas tree today. Well, we all did that. I picked Dani up so she would be here for the festivities. I spread out all of the branches, Beau did the lights and kids put on all of the ornaments...then I rearranged them because I am an anal freak. I am still not totally satisfied with it. I think I am going to get different ribbon for the bow and get some kind of string/hooks for the candy canes. Avery asked if she could eat one...yeah, knock yourself out but don't wonder why your shitting glitter!

I have had a really hard time sitting still today. I actually stopped in the middle of this post already to make my grocery list. I really do feel like banging my head into a wall.

Do You?

2010-11-27T02:19:00.000-05:00

Why is it that when I have so much to write about I have a hard time putting it into readable text? It is not like I am depressed an have no energy or desire. I just can't organize my thoughts. Do any of my Bipolar readers have this problem?

Pre-Reunion Reunion Preview

2010-11-24T00:56:00.000-05:00

Monica WTF? Did Donda go to EVERY school's prom?? LOL

March 30, 2009 at 6:15pm ·

Preview of Saturday night. As soon as I can pull it together I will post about the 20 year Pre-reunion Reunion from my other high school. My brain is still a big ol' pile of spaghetti. I am having a really hard time with focus lately. I haven't even been paying much attention to my facebook lately. I know, right? There is no excuse for that! I really need to figure out how to get my brain back in focus. I wish it were that easy.

How I Shut Up a Real Life Reporter

2010-11-19T11:16:00.000-05:00

OK, If I haven't said it lately, I crack myself the fuck up. This was posted on a friend's facebook wall. This is a local investigative reporter that was recently arrested and charged with his second DUI. Of course, you know my stance on drinking and driving so I definitely put in my two cents. What I didn't know until my friend, Jennifer (AKA Cake Bandit) inboxed me to let me know is that, and oh, how did she put it? "Girl, only you would argue with XXXXXXXX!!! Freaking awesome (and so SO TRUE)!" I was quarreling with a TV personality. Apparently, this person I was debating is a local reporter. LMAO and I probably will be for a long time!

FRIEND: If he'd had my phone number on lock then this embrassing moment would have never happend, shame on you John Boel.... Here it is 502-XXX-XXXX dont be like John, the police dont care who you are and they are beefing up patrol just for the Holiday's. Hey John!!! What kinda bird dont fly???? Arrrrrrrgh!!!!!!

John Boel Charged With DUI

www.wlky.com

LOUISVILLE, Ky. -- WLKY News Anchor John Boel was arrested Saturday night in Bullitt County, Kentucky after pulling into a restaurant parking lot. Sunday, November 7, 2010.

/this.
- FRIEND:
  Didnt he do a undercover story on City workers drinking on the job???? I bet those cats are loving this, what comes around goes around, nobody is exempt.....
  4 hours ago ·
- RANDOM PERSON:
  Fucking hilarious. Second offense and he's still on air? Glad WLKY can muster up the balls to report on their own colleague's fumbles.
  4 hours ago ·
- ME:
  This is his 2nd DUI...you would think he would learn!
  3 hours ago ·
- RANDOM PERSON:
  Maybe ill run into him at my alcohol education classes!!!
  about an hour ago ·
- REPORTER:
  He was fired and he's in treatement...glad you guys are all perfect.
  about an hour ago ·
- ME
  ME: ‎@REPORTER...making the ignorant decision to get in a car after you have had even one drink is dangerous and has nothing to do with perfection.
  about an hour ago
- REPORTER:
  I'm not speaking of his perfection..just everyone else's. John knows he made a mistake...he's now lost his job, his family, everything. so everyone who wanted a pound of flesh? they got it...now don't use his mistake to advertise for cab service. it's in poor taste.
  58 minutes ago via ·
- ME:
  I think it is an excellent opportunity to advertise for cab service. Had he called Yellow Cab or any other taxi service he wouldn't be in this mess. His drunken arrogance got him where he is.
  48 minutes ago ·
- REPORTER:
  whatever, like i said...may each of you without sin cast the first stone.
  47 minutes ago via ·
- ME:
  Well, on this particular one I have a whole bag of stones...I NEVER get behind the wheel if I have had even one sip. I don't think I have the right to kill someone's mother.
  45 minutes ago
- RANDOM PERSON:
  We all should all learn from this...i def learned on my own and i had the pirate taxi's number in my cell....Only thing is i learned the 1st time it happened to me...won't be a second time!
  43 minutes ago

Question

2010-11-18T18:47:00.000-05:00

So I have decided to add labels to my posts but I am not sure how this works. If it is republishing all of these posts in the reader can someone let me know? Please and Thank You :)

Pictures as Promised

2010-11-18T14:14:00.000-05:00

A huge change from the princess theme. The girls love it and they haven't gotten into the guest bed one time...yet!

The Manic Decorator

2010-11-13T21:03:00.000-05:00

Thank you, thank you! I'm manic and I'll be here all week! Whatever that crazy bartender did when she touched my ponytail holder flung me straight into a manic episode.

This has been an incredibly busy week. Where to start.

Well, first off I finally finished the summer/winter wardrobe switch for the girls. I have yet to do mine and Beau's but I will get to it. Heck, it was 78 degrees here today so I am really in no hurry.

The CPAP finally arrived. It has been a Godsend. You have no idea unless you have a husband (or wife) with a snore/hum/groan/snore/gasp/moan/snore. The first night I actually went up to bed at 11:30 and fell asleep within 20 minutes. Beau a little bit looks like Skeletor when he is wearing it but the noise that is not being emitted from his head is incredibly sexy. He tried to say "I love you" while wearing it and it sounded a little like "idjfidsofjsoidfu". Yeah, you can't really have a conversation while wearing it but tis OK because Bill, the CPAP guy, was sent from the heavens that day.

I am a new Aunt...again. Sophia Marie was born 11/11 at 11:55...on Veteran's Day and also the anniversary of the horrific car accident that I was in my Freshman year of high school. I can't wait to see her to inspect her tiny toes and sniff her precious baby head.

I decided yesterday that it was time to get the girls out of the princess themed room. I bought paint and new bedding, curtains etc. (don't tell Beau, he hasn't noticed the bank account yet) and started on the painting. I painted for a cumulative of 9 hours yesterday and today, and at last, I am finally done with the painting. I am just waiting for it to dry and then I will start moving things back into the room and hopefully it will look really good when it's all said and done. It better because my legs, arms and back are jacked from all that standing, bending and reaching. My manic brain never learns. I don't know what it is but every time I go into this type of episode I need to paint shit. I need to change shit. The girls wanted purple but purple makes me want to vomit. I once did my bathroom in lavender and pansies and it was lovely for like the first week but it was quickly changed because taking a crap in a field of fucking pansies...well whatever! I just don't like purple.

Disclaimer: I do not have enough focus to proofread, it's a freakin' miracle I was able to split the ramble into paragraphs.

I Can't Even Think of a Title

2010-11-10T22:20:00.000-05:00

My brain is on scatter. Full blown scatter. There are a million things I should be doing or want to be doing but I cannot execute the plan.

For one, I want to finish writing about the reunion but I can't organize my thoughts. I started the summer/winter clothes switch and I am only half through.

I am having a hard time focusing lately long enough to read my favorite blogs so I feel disconnected from my bloggie world.

I am still debating on whether I am going to get rid of the girls' castle bed and put their twin beds back in their room. Sometimes they will sleep in it and sometimes they go get in the full-size bed in the guest room. Haylee will no longer sleep on the top bunk so she ends up smooshing Avery. She smooshes Avery in the big bed too, though.

Avery just hasn't wisened up and tried to demand her own room yet.

I have about ten loads of laundry waiting for me. I get started then I get sidetracked and don't make it back.

I want to go shopping so badly. The trip to the Walmart for paper towels and toothpaste just didn't do it for me. I need to keep my ass in the house otherwise the savings account will be in dire straights.

I hate the fucking DQ commercial.

20 Year Reunion~Part Two

2010-11-02T23:40:00.004-04:00

Introducing the Class of 1990!

photo courtesy of DKellum

Reeling from a mini hangover and exhaustion from walking up four flights of stairs earlier that day, I decided I better get my ass in gear so I had a few glasses of wine while trying to put a multitude of curls in my hair.

The wine most definitely helped because I didn't fall in them tall ass heels one time...even up that stupid ass ramp leading to the venue! When I say tall, I mean higher than two inches. Now, I can mark that shit off my bucket list. I am just as excited about that as the time I danced on the bar at Coyote's!

When we signed in we were issued a name tag with our senior picture on it. Oh hell, looking at everyone else's sticker I realized that I had the biggest fucking hair in the history of hair. And, not just big hair, mind you. Big fucking triangle hair. Definitely walking like an Egyptian. Definitely. Seriously, it is a mystery how I got laid in high school!

Monica and Jennifer arrived about the same time as me. They have been the only two people that I have kept consistent contact with prior to facebook. I am up in everybody's mix nowadays.

There were already quite a few people there so we all went into mingling mode. We had background music but there really wasn't a dance floor so there was no electric sliding. There was no hammer time. That was kind of the low point (if I had to name one) because if you get just the precise amount of vodka in my bloodstream I think I can dance. I spotted April, Shunzetta and Marcus on an open spot of floor busting a move and I decided I too would bust a move.

At some point we ate some fabulous meatballs and had I thought it all the way through I would have put a Zip-Loc bag in my bra for the late night munchies. I do believe Jennifer and I made Beau go back to the buffet and get us more meatballs. Maybe ten.

This is probably the point where I stopped standing up straight and the control tops were just a false sense of security.

Because I have reconnected via facebook with so many of the folks that attended the reunion, I have a good idea of "where are they now". I guess the most amazing thing about seeing everyone was actually hearing everyone. I noticed that everyone sounded exactly the same and remember thinking when do we start sounding old?

This is one of my favorite photos from the night!

Stay tuned for the after party....

20 Year Reunion~Part One

2010-11-02T00:58:00.001-04:00

The first of the reunion activities started on Friday night. A fairly large group met at a small tavern near the school prior to the big Male/Manual football rivalry. I took my camera but in the excitement of seeing all these folk from twenty years ago I completely forgot to snap even the first photo.

photo courtesy of D.Kellum

After mingling with a lot of the old gang, most people headed to the Stadium to watch the Bulldogs get their ass stomped! I didn't happen to be one of those people because after a few cocktails, I got caught up in talking with Dawna (she says she is going to start blogging again soon;her anecdotes are hilarious so I hope she finds time) and her husband. I am kind of kicking myself a little bit because our team won 21-14 but I am not really a sports fanatic despite the fact that when we had the #2 team in the state in 1988, I didn't miss a game.

I was home by 10:30 that night and passed out face first on the couch where I stayed until I half-ass threw myself together to go tour the old place.
Jennifer called and told me to get off my fat ass and get a move on before she clawed my eyes out. She's a little bit scary so I ~~flipped her off through the phone and rolled back over~~ shot into action. It is quite apparent who had their fair share of cranberry the night before. How in the hell can you be that happy at 11:30 in the morning? The blonde Jennifer AKA Cake Bandit got us a premium tour.

It was really great seeing the old place. For the most part, it looked the same but I couldn't believe what the new generation has done to our communications room. The letters "WRAM" were no longer in the radio station but the old mixing board was still there.

The video cameras were not on their tripods as we had left them many years before and there was a couch in the editing room in front of a TV. What the fuck kind of learning is that? Not to say that I wouldn't have enjoyed a couch to sleep on back in the day. Using my back pack for a pillow is probably the reason my head looks like a nickel can of saurkraut now!

We left a little love note on the chalkboard for our most beloved Biology teacher. I am guessing he was in the Alumni office checking out old yearbooks to jog his memory this morning!

Stay tuned for Part Two!

Reunion Preview

2010-11-01T09:35:00.001-04:00

This weekend was absolutely fabulous! My reunion was great! It was awesome seeing so many old faces (or vintage, if you prefer) and catching up with folk that I haven't seen for 20 years or 2 days. I have way too much laundry to mess with a full-on entry at the moment but I will post a blow-by-blow of this weekend's activities so be watching for it.

If a picture is worth 1,000 words I think I can get 140 characters for this one...

photo courtesy of MBricken

Just an FYI, that is not the Tootsie Roll or the Cabbage Patch.

Guest Post and Weekend Plans

2010-10-29T00:58:00.001-04:00

I am guest posting today at Are You Serious? So you have to go check that out fo sho!

My friend, Monica was in the Ville today for some work training and swung by for a visit. Nothing fancy just a lot of catching up. It is wonderful having grown-up conversations but I don't have to tell you that!

The big 20 year reunion is this weekend. Tomorrow is the Manual/Male game where a slew of us will be meeting up. Google it. It's fucking legendary! The fancy shindig is Saturday night so I am sure there will be loads of fodder. If not, I will make something up.

The Haunted House

2010-10-27T02:31:00.000-04:00

When I was about 13, my best friend, Jamie and I used to walk down the alley a few blocks to where it dead-ended. Facing the Alley was a rickety, wooden garage that we called "the barn" because it looked like an old barn. To the right of the barn was a small patch of yard and the house that it belonged to. The house was vacant and it had a weird, grey box on the locked, iron security door. Of course, I know now that is where the realtor kept the key but I had no knowledge of such things at 13 and living in a neighborhood where everyone knew everyone and noone ever moved.

We knew the story but never bothered investigating. We just went to the barn because it was a safe place to go smoke where we wouldn't get caught. Sometimes, we would take the boom box and play that New Edition cassette over and over. It was just a handy place to go in the cold and the rain and much less scary than sneaking a smoke on the side of her house. We never had any thoughts of going into that house, or at least, I didn't. Until the day we decided to grow some balls.

One day Jamie and I and two other friends, Mesha and Raina (OK, I think it was Raina but it may have been Wendy. For the love of vodka, my memory sucks.) decided we would sneak into the house and take a look-see. We entered through a small window on the backside of the house that was unlocked, one at a time, going headfirst into the house. Once we were all in, we walked through the kitchen, a straight shot into the living room at the front of the house. I looked around at the plain white walls. The house was empty. There was a set of steps to either side of the living room. A set going up to the left and a set going down to the right. There was a picture window on the front wall and there was a mantle on the right wall.

And so the story goes....

There was a family that lived in the house and they had a little girl. There was something wrong with the little girl and she wore braces on her legs. It was rumor that the parents were arguing and the little girl got in the way. She tumbled down the stairs to her death and the house was haunted by her ghost.

image from Google

Laying on the mantle was a pair of braces that looked much like the ones in the picture. OK, that was just creepy but we decided to press on. I can tell you that my heart was racing. I was always a chicken about taking risks of any kind. The four of us started up the stairs and as we all just barely up a few stairs, started hearing the sounds of metal clanking. LOUD. Like chains. Or leg braces falling down a stairwell.

We flew out of that living room and back through the kitchen. Jamie flung open the back door to be greeted by that crappy, iron door. There was maybe an 18 inch gap between the last iron bar at the bottom and the concrete slab on the outside. Jamie slid under, then I slid under and I can't be sure because I was so terrified at that point but I think the other two girls went out the same window that we had came in.

That was probably one of the scariest moments in my life.

I don't know who ever moved into that old house but I would love to know if they hear the clanking metal too.

Untitled

2010-10-22T23:31:00.002-04:00

So mother fucking sick of this shit. That is all.

Fawk You and Me

2010-10-22T00:22:00.000-04:00

Hosted by Boobies, Babies & A Blog and I'm Just Sayin' is your chance to hop and fuck it all at the same time. Two birds with one stone or some shit like that.

First off, Fawk Me for not hopping or fawking for a while.

Fawk you Red River, you drain me of all energy, you make my thigh feel like it is going to explode and you make me eat asinine quantities of Grippos and chocolate ice cream.

Fawk you stupid shopping trip that did not yield a reunion dress.

Fawk all the gas I wasted trying to find a stupid ass dress and it was at the last place I looked.

This may be premature but Fawk you to the sexy, new heels that I am sure are going to make me trip and fall and perhaps break my ankle. (Just getting that out of the way now)

Fawk you to the idiot that said something really hateful to my girl, Ashley. Actually, that fool gets a real FUCK YOU. Please come say something stupid to me...I beg you!

The Peon Diaries~Chapter Five

2010-10-21T00:19:00.001-04:00

Dear Diary,

What a trying week. I cannot even properly convey the damage control I have had to do. The Royal's ~~troubled~~ beloved CB, has completely went off the deep end. The Queen had to commit the poor dear. Seems she is suffering from mental exhaustion. Of course, the tabloids are reporting it as a "stint in a mental health facility for sexual addiction" but what the hell do they know?

Before I was up close and personal with the members of The Empire, I thought that it was just a life of glam and glitz. Mingling at fancy balls and having all the finer things in life. Little did I know that this life is emotionally taxing. So many demands. I need you on this corner, bring me my Xanax, why are the gators hungry? Poor little CB crumbled under the pressure. How can you pleasure Tiger Woods, be absolutely flawless for photo-ops and still maintain your sanity. It's impossible.

As I drove CB to the retreat where she would regain her identity, she confided in me and now I have a much clearer outlook of what Royalty has to go through on a day to day basis. So many demands while appearing perfect to the outside world. The minions must never know of the hardships. Every day should resemble a debutante ball. It would be nice to think that she eloped with Kyle as that other rag reported...

Reunion Dress and The Bad Knee

2010-10-20T23:11:00.000-04:00

Oh Dear God, shoot me now! OK, so I am past the chest cold and the pulled muscle in my right shoulder blade that kept me on the couch for about five days. So, I decide today is a good day to go try to find a dress to wear to my twenty year reunion next weekend. That was way too much walking around and I have jacked up my knee. Let me backtrack.

After Alex got home from school I asked him to go to the grocery, so my fatness had to endure all that walking up and down aisles for an hour and a half. Oh, but he got his nasty crab meat on sale so I guess that was a win.

After dinner, which consisted of bagged salad, deli chicken and a loaf of sweet, Italian bread (yep, lazy dinner, don't judge) and after I got sufficiently pissed because facebook was actin' a fool, I bribed Alex with an Orange Julius from the mall to walk with me through racks and racks of stupid ass dresses. He's such a good boy, he only made fun of me about fifty-leven times and only embarrassed me once. All that walking when the only exercise I get is walking to the bathroom proved too much for the ole knee. Pray for my cartilage. And still, no stupid ass dress. I rummaged through racks at about 9 different shops, including Macy's. I saw a dress on their website that might be doable but of course, I couldn't find anything like it in the store. I am going to try Dress Barn tomorrow and if I can't find any thing that suits me then don't think I won't bust up in that mother in jeans!

Dani was working and I got to see her for a few minutes. It's been a while since I saw her. She colored her hair again and it is black-black. It was shocking but she is so beautiful no matter what her hair looks like. I don't know why it was so shocking because she was born with coal black hair...but it was. She looks so much like my Mom. She is going to come over on Friday and help me at the girls' school. Friday night is the fall festival for the PTA. I have done the asinine and volunteered to run the cake walk once again. If you didn't hit me in the first paragraph go ahead, take a moment to reload and shoot me now!

That's about all I got for tonight.

You Betta Rec-a-nize!

2010-10-20T12:44:00.001-04:00

I accept this particular award with great pride. Despite my reluctance to rant like a crazy person as of late, I am super excited that my "mouthiness" has not been forgotten.

This is a special award that goes to only one person at a time. Because, only one person can earn it. Thanks Christy! Now, leave me comments and visit I'm Just Sayin' and leave some love there too, how else will you get your ~~fat yap~~ hat in the ring??

Emotionally Constipated

2010-10-15T18:53:00.000-04:00

I do wish I had something fabulous to report.

I feel emotionally constipated. I want so much to say the things I want to say. I want to purge like Kirstie Alley after three boxes of Twinkies. I have been trying to figure out why it is so important to me to not say how I feel and the only thing that I can come up with is because everything that is cluttering my mind is "ugly". Which has never really stopped me before. My conscience is eating at me. I feel like I am betraying myself by not saying what is on my mind. Biting my tongue feels like it is destroying a part of my personality that I find endearing. My honesty. But on the other hand, my revelations would most likely cause hurt feelings.

So, what am I to do? Fake it 'til I make it? Because that has never really worked before.

It Makes Sense Now

2010-10-14T19:49:00.000-04:00

I was so conflicted by Phil yesterday but now it is totally clear why he decided to block me on facebook.

Now go tell Holly, Photoshop Queen of the World (not the county, the world) that she is uber amazing because she made this for me!!

Dr. Phil Blocked Me...What?

2010-10-13T19:59:00.000-04:00

What kind of shit is this? Dr. Phil done blocked me? What the hell? I am no longer able to leave my comments. Am I that far gone?
You want to know my favorite line from a movie, Phil?
I don't give a fuuuuck~Friday

Now, I know the true definition of cockblock.

The Peon Diaries~Chapter Four

2010-10-10T13:52:00.001-04:00

Dear Diary,

It has been a long week and I am finally getting a moment to sit and journal. I really don't know where to start.

First of all, I was called into action when The Dutchess thought she was being ambushed. Long story short, she was watching some creepy, Halloweenish shit on the TV and became slightly paranoid. She did a stop, drop and roll in an attempt to avoid the terrifying ~~raccoon~~ serial killer lurking at her back door. She was so disturbed by the experience that has taken ~~handfuls of Xanax~~ to the bed. Poor Dutchess.

After a little digging I found out who this infamous Kyle was. A Nascar Driver. Can you believe it? CB is obsessing over some silly race car driver. After mulling over the information that I had come up with and given that she was just in an altercation that could have cost me my job I decided that it would be best to have a plain clothes security officer guard her on her next trip to the track. Which was sooner than later so I had to scurry to find someone on short notice. I quickly contacted Copyboy and he ~~hornily~~ happily agreed. I thought I was clear in my instruction that he was only supposed to guard CB from afar but she came home complaining that she was being stalked by a stranger at the race track that day. Luckily he only came off as an adoring fan or my brilliant plan of keeping CB in line without her ever knowing it would have been blown. I think I am going to have to find a female plant. The men subcontractors will work for peanuts but I guess you get what you pay for.

There was a major uproar in the Castle this weekend. Apparently, the Paparazzi leaked a story to the tabloids with their own twisted spin. Momma Fargo is a close friend of the Queen and has been known to clean up a few of the Royal's messes. She is a police officer and has inside access to make some things just disappear. Because the Queen thought that the Royals may be wrongly implicated she, of course, had to come to the defense of Momma. After all she owed it to her, I suppose. The tabloid article spewed of inaccuracies and accusations that are not a huge surprise. When you read a tabloid you know what you are getting, right? Just a bunch of bullshit with a saucy title. So the story goes, Momma is getting a divorce and her work ethic is in question. Of course, there is no story here but there will always be some questionable journalist that will do anything for a headline. Luckily, it seems that the press has backed off and noone was fed to the gators. Poor gators.

BOOM GONE

2010-10-09T23:41:00.000-04:00

Shwew! That was worse than scrubbing the toilets. I realized that I maybe had too many blogs in my blogroll that I wasn't really following so I decided to go through the 350+ that at some point or another decided I was going to follow for whatever reason. I am sure most of them had to do with some cool giveaway at the time but they aren't really anything I am vested in. I managed to get them down to 150.

I actually removed them from my blogroll with a plan.

If you haven't posted in over 2 months BOOM GONE.
If the only thing you post are giveaways and there is no personal element to your blog BOOM GONE.
If the only thing you do are reviews and there is no personal element to your blog BOOM GONE.
If you have written more than 3 posts that read as if you are belittling your readers with your intelligence and large vocabulary BOOM GONE.
If I can't find one post from a self-proclaimed Soccer Mom that isn't just a bitch session I am going to assume your life is so peachy that you don't need reassurance from the likes of me BOOM GONE.
I value my eyesight, so if your background is black and your font is 8pt and you are not totally dynamic BOOM GONE.
If you have manic, bipolar, depression etc in your title and the ONLY thing you talk about is living green and the joy of cloth diapers BOOM GONE
If I have left you more than three comments on various posts and you have never acknowledged my existence, I assume my comment is not important BOOM GONE.
If you have a humor blog and you are about as funny as a dying slug BOOM GONE

And to all of the wonderful bloggers that made the cut, much love to ya honey!!

This Idiot

2010-10-08T19:31:00.000-04:00

This idiot. Yep, this idiot is (or his attorney) is claiming he has Bipolar Disorder. As I was listening to the news earlier I couldn't believe my ears. Well, I could but then my ears started burning. I am pretty sure my head caught on fire. I have mentioned this before but it pisses me off to no end when celebrities and crooks do something totally fucked up and then cry mental illness.

This peckersnot did not crash his plane in a fit of manic agitation. That shit was calculated and decisive. A suicidal person usually doesn't have the energy to go to so much trouble to end it all. There is no elaborate plan. The best your getting is an apology/good-bye letter and possible instruction for funeral arrangements.

Do you know how hard it was telling anyone that I was diagnosed with Bipolar? Not easy. And, why you ask? Because of knock-kneed, needle-dick assholes like this that do these extreme things and then use Bipolar Disorder as their defense. Mel, you know I am talkin' to your ass too.

People look at you different after they glimpse a headline in the Sunday paper that reads, "Mother charged in childrens' slayings" and later hear her attorney spouting BP.

OK, off my soapbox now. If you want to read about how I came to be diagnosed click here.

Bullies Never Change

2010-10-07T19:00:00.000-04:00

Cyber bullying. The TV is inundated with stories this past few weeks. Celebrities speaking out against it. Special programming to be aired. Public service announcements out the hoohaa.

This is not something new. This generation didn't invent it; Although, they are certainly trying to perfect it. Bullying has been going on forever and no matter what hot "celebrity of the week" you find to fight the cause it will continue to go on forever. It is just getting easier for the bullies with all of the technology we have.

When I was growing up, bullying was the same...but different. The same in that it was the same rumors, the same threats and the same fear and anxiety brewing in those who were the target. Different because it is much easier now. You can Tweet that shit. So and so slept with Whichamajigger and she was a dead lay. Well, back in my day, you had to write it on a piece of wide-ruled paper, pass it Blah-blah who would then pass it to Blabbermouth and the next thing you know the whole school knows. You are now the biggest whore in school. It took at least until lunchtime for everyone to get word. These days it is instant and reaches the masses. If you laid down and took the verbal harassment, there was a high probability you were going to get jumped when the bell rung.

I don't think that there is one individual on the face of this earth that hasn't bullied or harassed someone in their life. It may not have been as extreme as give me a box of Twinkies or your ass is going in a locker but everyone has harassed, belittled, tormented, criticized or otherwise intimidated another person. There is always somebody lower on the food chain. I am not condoning it. I am just realistic enough to know that a televised crusade is not going to change things.

I don't think we need to appeal to the weak and meager. We need to appeal to the little peckersnots that think recording someone getting their ass beat or loved and streaming it to the world is super fun. And, how do we do that? Threats.

There is a fine line between fear and respect. Bullies lack both.

Smart and Pretty Girls

2010-10-06T00:05:00.000-04:00

After a shit day yesterday, today was not much better. I was doing good with my cutting back smoking until all hell broke loose yesterday and now I am back at square one. Son of a mother fucking bitch. Beau is sick with whatever Ohio Valley crud is circulating and Avery started coughing her little, cute head off tonight. This whole house is going to be a festering cesspool of yellow, slimy mucous. Yeah, gross. I know, I know.

The kids came home with their report cards today. The girls are both on the Honor Roll this grading period and the school sent home a letter wanting to test Haylee for the Advanced Program. I am going back and forth on this because Dani was in AP classes and didn't really do well. She called me tonight and told me that I should let her take the AP classes if she passes in and just because she didn't really apply herself that being in those classes were better for her. I can see the benefit. It would definitely bode well when she goes to apply for a high school if she wants to be in a magnet school like the one that I went to. Dani explained that there is a higher caliber of people in those classes too. I decided to let her do the test and depending on where her scores fall that will help me decide. I just don't want to put her into a high-pressure situation if she is just on the borderline.

The girls also brought home their proof sheets for their fall pictures. I just can't resist sharing.

The Peon Diaries~Chapter Three

2010-10-04T19:36:00.001-04:00

Dear Diary,

I have been recovering since Saturday night. Every muscle in my body aches and I think I am missing a patch of hair. I was having a fantastic weekend and almost made it through my first on-call weekend without actually being called upon. And, then it happened...

I received the call shortly before midnight. Apparently, CB, aptly named the Princess of Class, Trash and Sass, decided that it would be an OK decision to drive to the Shore, to meet up with her friend Gucci for a night of wild parties. I knew that she was attending anger management classes which were reported to the Paparazzi as a vacation because Vera had previously mentioned that. I even had a good idea that this job would sometimes be chaotic. Before I began this job I would read of the Royal Family's antics in the tabloids and I thought to myself, "that CB is always on vacation". Now, I know the "Class" part of her title refers to the court-ordered kind.

On the drive over to the club I was informed that because of the altercation that she had on the Shore several weeks earlier she was not permitted to leave the county as a condition of her parole. She shouldn't have even been on the Shore! When I arrived at the scene, and believe you me that is exactly what it was, Jo Jo was already there trying to break through the crowd. The pair of us quickly cleared the crowd and made our way to the corner of the bar where we found CB accosting two patrons. It took a few minutes because that Royal is a beast. She had super human strength that could only be induced by an entire bottle of Jager. She was screaming obscenities and it sounded as if she was defending someone named Kyle. I didn't even know she had a love interest at this time. Before we were able to intervene someone was able to snap a photo with a cell phone. I am thinking of taking out an ad in the local paper thanking the ~~idiot~~ innocent bystander that felt it necessary to sell the picture to the Enquirer. I am a bit worried that this picture will become a permanent part of my personnel file. CB assured me that this kind of thing happens all of the time and that I wouldn't face disciplinary action. This kind of thing happens all of the time? For the love of Vodka! Again I ask, what have I gotten myself into?

Since I was only required to write up an incident report and leave it at the guard shack, I didn't actually have to talk to anyone when we returned CB back to the Castle but I am thinking The Queen cannot be happy about this!

Note to self: Find out who this Kyle character is and what relationship he has to CB. He most certainly must be an important figure in her life if she is willing to rip two girls to shreds over him. Also, add Rogaine and a bottle of Advil to my shopping list.

Drawn Lines

2010-10-03T21:08:00.000-04:00

~The truth shall set you free~

That is a bold faced lie. The truth will not set you free; it holds you prisoner. Whether you keep it to yourself or shout it from the rooftops, the truth does not afford you freedom.

I said no over and over but she did not listen. Did it really need to be said? I don't think it did. It was very clear and now it is clouded. The lines that were drawn are now blurred.

Just Conflicted

2010-10-01T23:08:00.000-04:00

I am so conflicted. I have good news that I cannot talk about and I have bad news that I also cannot talk about. Well, I can talk about the bad news but no good could come of it so why bother. I am probably going to have to get a spiral notebook and do that old thing they call penmanship to purge.

Because of this I have a block. I can't find any new words because the words that are filling my brain cannot be released. It is consuming me. This is very distressing.

Can't talk about the good, can't talk about the bad. Just conflicted. I feel like I am in a mental prison.

What is worse, is that I am allowing myself to be in a mental prison. I am the girl that says what she means and means what she says. Why am I allowing myself to be stifled?

Please help, friends. Because I am....conflicted.

Operation Hopeidontcuttabitch update: I have smoked less today than yesterday and much less than before I started the medication. I don't think it is because of the medicine at this point, I am just making a conscious effort to busy myself when I want to walk out on the porch. I still have a long way to go.

Awards and Blog of the Day

2010-10-01T12:46:00.000-04:00

A little business to take care of....

The Ranter's Box

Mama Tink's Tinkerings

Thank You RB and Mama!!!
Brilliant, yes most days. Stylish, now that's one I have never been accused of! Also, I made blog of the day over at NOT WORTH MENTIONING

I ain't gonna lie there are responsibilities attached to these awards but I cannot focus enough so I will do a part two...eventually. In the meantime, go check out these blogs and spread the love!

On the quit smoking/Operation Hopeidon'tcuttabitch front, I started the new medicine yesterday and the only difference I have noticed so far is that I have a ton of weird energy. I just feel good. Like I really don't need a V-8. The other thing is my nose hurts. It feels like somebody knocked me upside the head with a sock full of dimes. I don't know if that has anything to do with it or it's just a crazy coincidence. I hope it goes away because every time I yawn or laugh real hard it feels like my skull is going to crack straight down the middle.

A Button's Worth 1,000 Words

2010-09-29T23:03:00.004-04:00

WELL TAKE A GANDER AT THIS!

<a href="http://dailylifewithbipolar.blogspot.com/search/label/Peon%20Diaries"><img src="http://i993.photobucket.com/albums/af60/grafixwife1/Diary-button.png" alt="Peon Diaries" /></a>

Isn't this the most beautiful thing you ever seen? Look what CB done went and made! Go over and tell her ~~she is not getting royalties from the book sales~~ what an amazing visionary she is!!!!

I had a super busy day today and I will detail that tomorrow along with posting a couple of awards I have gotten in recent days. I am going to need a little something extra to occupy myself tomorrow because I will start Operation HopeIDon'tCuttaBitch aka stop smoking. Cross your fingers but tune into the nightly news just in case!

The Peon Diaries~Chapter Two

2010-09-28T01:05:00.002-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today was a great day! I arrived at the castle to find that I had my first assignment. I was greeted by Vera where she handed me my itinerary for the day. I found it a bit odd that I was only given instructions for the one day; that such a lofty empire would not have activities scheduled weeks in advance. Apparently, it has something to do with preventing a security breach. I will not know what my day's tasks will be until I arrive. I guess that makes sense. I can be flexible.

Vera explained that I would be tending to the needs of the Princess today. The Queen would be otherwise indisposed and unable to help the Princess with her charity project. I am unsure what or where the Queen would be this day but I thought to myself for a moment...that gin most certainly isn't going to drink itself. Perhaps she is passed out on a luxurious chaise while handsome migrant workers paint her toenails.

Vera showed me to a large room with several tables, a sewing area, paint easels and the like. The Princess was sitting at one of the tables and she was wearing a bright orange smock that had some white stains on it. I literally thought she was just sprung from the "big house" where she was released early for good behavior, hence the stains. That ill impression was quickly erased when the Princess motioned me over to take a seat. She began explaining the project. Apparently, I was to help her with this. Fall wreathes. Oh my goodness, how I love working with a glue gun. There was that one incident at that frat party with the hot glue and the testicles but there wasn't really a need for precision for that undertaking. She went on to explain that she was making fall wreathes for the homeless. HELLO? Are you fucking kidding me? Am I being Punk'd? Ashton, where you at? Where the fuck is a vagrant going to hang a wreath? I know that she could read my thoughts because she went on to explain that they would be sold at the Town Fair and the proceeds would benefit the homeless. I was just under the impression that she had been in the liquor cabinet before noon on a random Wednesday.

As we arranged and attached the foliage and ribbon onto the wicker circles, we did have a few moments of conversation. She had mentioned that CB, whom I recall was the petite brunette from the sitting room on my first day, wasn't home. She was attending a court-ordered anger management class. I didn't press for details but, in all honesty, I was dying to hear the scoop. I think if I play my cards right, I can get Vera to spill it.

She mentioned that her true passion was hodgpodge or the modsquad. I am not sure what the hell she was talking about but I think it is a TV show. I am going to research that in order to learn more about the Princess. I figure the more I learn about the Royals the easier it will make my job. I don't want to be caught off guard.

She mentioned espionage and something about doing laundry through her garbled speech but by this time she had drank enough wine to fill an entire bathtub. I think she has a catheter because the wench didn't pee once the entire time. She wasn't making much sense so I am going to file that away as unneeded information until I get further corroboration. Still, it makes me wonder what kind of back-alley, cockamamey bullshit is going on here.

I have the next two days off but I am still on-call for emergencies. I need a break already and an ice pack for the glue burns on my fingertips.

Trudging Through

2010-09-27T18:21:00.000-04:00

Bummed out. That is the best descriptive. Things are just moving along while I am trying to not pay attention. It's always easier that way. My sleep has been disturbed by fearful thoughts for going on a month now. I am barely sleeping in my own bed because as soon as I lay down I start hearing strange noises and have to get up to "check it out". I end up on the couch because it is halfway between all of the kids, you know, just in case. Logically, I know it is ridiculous but I cannot seem shake the feeling. It has been a while since I started leaving the bathroom light on to light our room. I used to never sleep with any lights on. On the contrary, I used to not be able to sleep unless it was pitch black. I am really thinking that I need to add an anti-anxiety med because it is getting out of hand.

We were informed last week that beginning January the health insurance premium will be going up by $100 if you are a smoker. Which we are. I am now thinking what would be the best way for me to do this. So many people I know have quit using that new drug Chantix but with terrible side effects associated with mood. From what I understand it affects your "pleasure receptors" weaning you off so eventually it is not pleasurable to smoke. It makes sense that it would throw someone like me into a deep depression. No thanks! I don't need any extra triggers.

I keep gaining weight. I know that it is a side effect of my current medication but I have realized lately I have been eating to fill a void. It's not that my stomach is empty, my heart is. So as much as losing weight seems like a grand plan and an easy endeavor in my head, I have no desire to put it into action. I am losing days.

I miss my friend.

The Peon Diaries~Chapter One

2010-09-26T18:53:00.002-04:00

Dear Diary,

Today was the first day of my new job as a security guard. I woke up a whole hour and a half early because of my excitement or anxiety, I am not sure which. I haven't been this nervous since Maggie passed the love note to Jake on my behalf in eighth grade. I am so glad that today turned out better than that trifling incident.

I made sure that my uniform was pressed and my shoes were shined. As I carefully applied my make-up, I thought to myself that I needed to make the best impression. After all, this was The Royal Family I was going to work for and not some rinky-dink Maw and Paw's General Store. I took one last look in the mirror for good measure and headed out the door.

The drive over was a long one as I kept going over in my head the way I would introduce myself. When I finally reached the iron gates that divided the Royals from the regular folk, I was greeted by a security guard. Security for the security, the Queen and her subjects will be in capable hands. I surveyed the grounds that was a lush green. To either side of the walkway was row after row of grapes. I spotted a large canister-type device that I immediately knew must be some kind of distilling machine. Could this be a moonshine ring? What on earth am I getting myself into?

Entering the castle, I looked around and was surprised by the decor. It was not the steely blues and cold concrete walls as I had imagined. On the contrary, it was very warm and cozy. Almost every room had been decorated in a lovely shade of pink. While noone was looking, I quickly pulled the boy scout knife that my father had given me as a youngster and cut a swatch for my scrapbook. They will never notice it is missing because I was smart enough to cut a piece from the behind the liquor cabinet. From what I have observed, noone that matters even bends over to retrieve their own gin so mostly likely the missing piece of paper will never be found out.

I was given a full tour by Vera, the house manager. She was a plump woman of probably 45 years. She took me from room to room, all 27 of them, and explained that only she and the Queen had a master key. The other Royals and servants had only certain keys that would unlock only some of the rooms. The barkeep is the only person having access to the liquor cabinet. It sounds funny calling it a liquor cabinet as it is actually more of a walk-in closet, the walls are lined floor to ceiling with mahogany shelving. I have been to many a bar in my day and have yet to see so many bottles of booze. Vera explained the typical running of the day-to-day activities of the Royals and gave me some survival tips that were not mentioned in the 50 page employee handbook which I am supposed to memorize over of the course of the next few days. Vera is a very nice lady and seemed to really want to help me to learn the ropes. Her breath is another story completely. It smelled as if she were mouth fucked by a trash receptacle. When the time is right I am going to mention this to the Queen.

I didn't actually get to meet any of the Royals today. They must have all been busy ~~self-medicating~~ running an Empire. I did however see three of them. They were seated on a Victorian style sofa discussing an upcoming event. I couldn't really hear all of the details from where I was standing but it seemed that it was going to be very regal. The Queen and her loyal subjects were not dressed in the buttoned-up fashion that I had conjured in my mind. To the contrary, it was rather redneck in contrast to the fancy, paisley wallpaper as the backdrop in the sitting room. The Queen was wearing a tight fitting screen print tee that adorned the words "Trust me, I'm a Doctor" and holey jeans. The Silicone twins were wearing white wife beaters and denim cut-offs. Despite their ragged apparel, they were absolutely stunning. My impression of what the "other half" lives like has been totally annihilated.
I am going to make it my personal mission to befriend the dark-haired girl so that I can learn to apply my eyeliner like that.

Unlike other jobs that I have held in the past, the orientation was not very rigid. I fully expected a training seminar or at the very least a few poorly made videos educating me of the dangers of bloodborne pathogens and proper lifting techniques. According to the job description, there will be disorderly, drunken behaviors that I will be expected to clean up. I most certainly hope that I am issued an OSHA approved back brace and protective eye gear before I get into the "meat and potatoes" of this job. I am not naive to the photos published in the tabloids. I have seen The Royals in action. Pictures don't lie.

I am signing off now to begin what is mostly likely going to be hours of reading. What a snore fest! OH Dear Diary, what will tomorrow hold?

To read more about The Royals...

The Beginning of Fiction

2010-09-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

Last weekish I asked everyone to go over to the Queen's blog to vote for me. The results are in and I made the security team! I haven't ranked third place in anything since that third grade spelling bee so needless to say I am super excited. I am about to embark on a new journey of fiction writing. I am not sure if I will suck at it or not but I would love your honest opinions.

Click this link to acquaint yourself with the Royals so when you do see my first post you are ~~not ready to call my Psychiatrist for fear that I am having Bipolar delusions~~ not totally lost.

Thanks to everyone who put in a vote for me!!!

Fawk You and Blog Stalk Friday~Season Premiere

2010-09-24T00:16:00.000-04:00

You know what time it is? It's Fawk You Friday and Blog Stalk Friday! What do you need to get off your chest this week? Click the button to link up!

Here's mine....

Fawk you to the writers of Grey's Anatomy who for some reason always feel it necessary to orchestrate a script that makes me cry. I don't care if Meredith is boo-hooing because her life is in a shambles. What I take exception to is when you take a character like Bailey and make her make me cry. It is too hard to watch a strong woman come unglued. There better be some saving babies next week and that's all I got to say about that.

A serious FUCK YOU to the power company, heat wave, dude who hit a transformer or whatever the situation may be that caused a neighborhood outage smack dab in the middle of the season premiere of Private Practice. I missed the most crucial 20 minutes of the effin' show! (Does anyone know what happened with the dude's new kidney and how did the couple meet the surrogate?)

Fuck you facebook for having piss-poor servers. You went down for hours, I mean HOURS, today and it caused a seizure in my hand.

Fawk you to Katy Perry. I don't have a problem with you sashaying your hot ass down Sesame Street in front of Mr. Snuffleupagas. The problem arises when you proceed to flaunt your oddly sexy, googly eyes and opposable thumbs in front of Bert and Ernie. They have had a hard life and are just now able to be open about their relationship. Now they are going to start questioning their sexual orientation!

How To Get Unbroken

2010-09-23T13:03:00.000-04:00

More and more, social networking sites are being blamed for the dissolution of marriages. I think this is totally oversimplifying a bigger issue. If you have reached out to someone...anyone, via MySpace, Facebook or some other social forum, the breakdown of your marriage has been happening for some time. The breakdown of the marriage is not a result of a third party. The union is broken because you are. You have already reached the point that your confidence is nil, your self worth is in question and your happiness is a distant memory. You have been beaten down emotionally, not enough to make you numb, yet enough to make you forget that some time ago you used to be a dynamic person. Like a hungry man reaches for a piece of bread, you will reach out to anyone who will validate you. It may not be the moral thing but it is the natural thing. Humans need to be reminded of their value.

I know this because I was a "hungry man".

It was winter 1994, bitterly cold. I remember walking to the pay phone at the gas station, depositing what was most likely my last quarter in an attempt to escape the reality that had become my life. With Danielle on my hip, I dialed my Mom's number. Through my tears, I tucked my pride into the same pocket I had pulled that coin from. "Can I come home? I need to come home, I can't do this anymore." to which she replied, "No, I don't think that is a good idea, Sissy". I said OK and placed the receiver on it's hook. There was nothing else to say. At this point, the affair was still going strong. I concluded that if my own mother didn't think enough of me to save me from the emotional turmoil that there wasn't much worth saving in the first place.

Fast Forward to November 1997. Before I met Beau online, I met Anthony. Correction. I chatted with Anthony. He was from New Jersey. I would talk to him in chat rooms and eventually on the telephone. He made me feel alive again. He made me feel important. We would laugh. He listened to me with compassion that even my own mother could not muster. He was interested in me. That means I must be interesting. The idea had become so foreign. He too had been cheated on by his ex-wife and left with a son to take care of because she had a terrible drug problem and abandoned them both. Tommy never had a drug problem but he abandoned me so many times and took with him my personality. He stole everything good about me and left me with an empty soul.

I only talked to this man for maybe five weeks but what he did for my self esteem in that short time is immeasurable. He made me realize that all of the negative and hurtful things that I have been told and told myself were not true. I was smart. I was funny. I was pretty. I was something. He gave me the strength to know that I could do it on my own. When the opportunity arose that following January, I acted on it. Tommy had a court date that he decided he would blow off resulting in a bench warrant. I told him he would have to leave because I would not lie to the police for him. It was that easy. I didn't care where he went and I never second-guessed my decision. After all of those years of heart-wrenching back and forth trying to break free from the spell he had over me, it was just over. Just like that.

I have learned that although some people may only come into your life for a fleeting moment their purpose for being there is no less important.

Let Them Eat Cake

2010-09-22T23:56:00.000-04:00

Ask and you shall receive. Sometimes. If you have a great friend like I do, you would.

Donda My hormonal influx has reported that I need an entire chocolate cake. That's all.

Monday at 5:34pm · Comment ·

like this.
- I need one too...please!
  Monday at 5:35pm ·
- Donda I wish I had all the ingredients for an earthquake cake...it would be on!
  Monday at 5:36pm ·
- I'm almosty done with a chocolate pie!
  Monday at 5:37pm ·
- Donda You're always cookin' it up...if you ever get rid of Parry I will marry you!
  Monday at 5:37pm ·
- He baked it -not me!
  Monday at 5:40pm ·
- I'm not almost done baking it-I'm almost done eating it-he made it for me last night!
  Monday at 5:41pm ·
- I thoght of you the other night at walmart-they have edible markers that you can write on sandwiches, cookies or other things!
  Monday at 5:42pm ·
- Really? I haven't seen those....I will have to check it out. What aisle?
  Monday at 5:44pm ·
- over where the cake decorating stuff is-food coloring and icing tips and whatnot.
  Monday at 5:46pm ·
- that sounds about right to me! My mood swings might be better monitored if I self-medicated with chocolate more often!
  Monday at 5:48pm ·
- Donda Thanks Tifaney! The more I think about it the more I am tempted to go get ingredients.
  Monday at 5:50pm ·
- btw... what on earth is an "earthquake cake"?
  Monday at 5:51pm ·
- Donda OMG It is chocolate heaven...I will post a link to the recipe...give me a minute.
  Monday at 6:05pm ·
- Donda http://www.cooks.com/rec/doc/0,166,145180-245207,00.html I put chocolate chips on top too. I also made this for Thanksgiving with a spice cake and white chocolate chips...it was really good too.
  Monday at 6:07pm ·
- Thanks!
  Monday at 6:08pm ·
- now I want earthquake cake...thanks alot Donda, I'm trying to lose weight here. ha,ha.
  Monday at 6:36pm ·
- Donda I want some too...thanks alot me!
  Monday at 6:37pm ·
- you are so silly.
  Monday at 6:39pm ·
- Me Too!!
  Monday at 7:53pm ·

So, later that night I am chillin' on the couch watching the Big C with Beau when I receive a text message that reads, "check your porch".

I know what you're thinking...not a crazy stalker. I actually knew who the text was from. My good friend, Jennifer.

Donda OMG I have been the unwitting victim of a drive-by caking!! Thanks Jennifer I needed some chocolate covered in chocolate in the worst way!!! YOU ROCK!

I call her back immediately and we proceed to talk for over an hour. Not just about the cake but about everything and anything. She is always good for a laugh.
This is the second time I have been hit by the Scone Ranger. The first time it was this...

Disclaimer: This is a filler post due to the aforementioned hormonal influx. I did purchase those food markers and made cute, little flowers on the girls' sandwiches. I did eat about half of that cake over the past two days. Does anyone know what will eliminate the Crisco pockets off my ass/back?

Guest Post and Awards

2010-09-21T18:01:00.013-04:00

I will be guest posting for Kim at >>>>
later tonight. Go check her out, leave her some love and enter to win some cool stuff. OH, and don't forget to go back later and read my post there.

In other news....
The Thundercat gave me this bomb ass award! You MUST check her out and particularly the post about her brother and urine. (I can't find it again to link up but I almost had a urine situation my own self when I read it, so just read everything. You will find it.)

This award goes to the blogs that keep your attention for more than five minutes while keeping you coming back for more while keeping insane asses like myself glued to the computer otherwise preventing mass disorder and chaos!

I am passing this award along to

because they make me laugh my ass off on the daily!