What a difference a year makes. I wrote this post last July but never saw fit to publish it. There were a few people really close to me who knew how badly I was doing and I guess my thinking was that if I write it down then it would get out of my head. I think my not publishing it was because, at the time, I didn't want anyone else to know the depth of the madness. The medicine that I was on was making me insane. I remember begging a God that I don't even know if I believe in to help me get through. By the end of August, I finally reached out to my doctor and she changed my medication. I have been fairly stable ever since.
Why am I publishing this now after so much time has passed? I think it is important that people see the inside of a manic mind, the havoc that it can wreak and how hard it is to reach out for help.
I have been thinking of death a lot lately. Not in a "I have it all planned out sort of way" but more like "how great it would be to not have to feel all these feelings" kind of way. All of these feelings of fear and sadness. Not sadness. I don't know what this is, maybe weepy but definitely caused by the fear. It's usually external but this time is different. It's internal. I can feel it in my head. There is nothing in my life that is causing all these emotions. In fact, everything is going fine with the exception of my current mental state.
I am pretty sure it is a medication issue. I haven't been on this current one for very long but it seems each week I feel a little worse. It started as this vague sensation when I stand up that I cannot judge the distance between my head and my feet. Like a weird vertigo without all the spinning. That sensation lasts for a split second but they have become more frequent as the days pass. I can't close my eyes for more than a few seconds before I see squiggly images of what I have no idea. Sometimes they look like a jumble of wires, sometimes a blob of light and other times it looks like pieces of something like a leg or a bike or a tree. Just ordinary things that are all of the sudden and for no good reason scaring the crap out of me. My anxiety is high and the worst of it started over a month ago when I saw a picture of a breast that had been posted on social media. It looked as if it had black seeds popping out of it. It has been tormenting me ever since. I feel like I am having some crazy ass PTSD flashbacks. That boob with the seeds just keeps popping into my head all day and night. I see it in my head as clear as I saw it on my computer screen that first time. Things in clusters like a handful of drinking straws or the guts of a pomegranate have always given me the eebie jeebies but this has gone way past a minor discomfort. I suddenly see clusters of things every day and I feel physically ill. It is like when you buy a new car and then you begin to see the same car everywhere. Now that I am so hyper aware of the clusters I see them everywhere. Sometimes I feel like if I could "pick the seeds out" they would finally go away. They are making my life a living hell.
The crazy mixed-up dreams and nightmares are back. I remember bits and pieces of each one but mostly I remember how I feel when they wake me up.
This amped up anxiety has my brain thinking....too much. I worry every minute of every day that something horrible is going to happen to someone I love. I don't trust anything. I don't trust this world is a safe place to be. So I cry but I cry out of fear not sadness. I so badly want the images to stop but no matter how hard I blink they come and go as they please. Maybe I cry out of anger too. I am angry that I have no control over my brain. I guess I could stop the medicine but I don't want to be on the medication roller coaster either. The stop-start-stop-start of finding a prescription that works is exhausting. Explaining, yet again, to a doctor that this one's not working makes me feel like a failure. This pill is helping me to be clear-headed enough to know I should not be taking it but at the same time I am too stubborn to give up.