B*tch is Crazy

I feel like my body outsmarts science. I don't have much faith in doctors so when my PCP gave me normal results excluding my cholesterol I needed a second opinion.  Surely, something is going on that they just haven't figured out yet.  Most likely something I am going to have to figure out on my own as usual.  I made an appointment with another doctor so I could show him my labs.  He took an extensive history and looked perplexed up until the point when he asked me about a box I had checked: Anxiety/Depression.  "Well, I have Bipolar but it was not named specifically on the form".  Then the mood of the conversation turned along with his explanation of all of my symptoms.  He thinks that all of my bodily woes are directly related to my Bipolar.  I am depressed.  Yet, I don't feel depressed.  I am not crying uncontrollably.  The world is not a black hole just waiting to suck me up.  I just don't have any energy to do anything.  That doesn't mean the intentions are not there.  I have grand ideas.  I just can't execute them.  I was offended that he would even suggest such a theory.  My hair is falling out because I am depressed?  My heart beats so hard that I can hear it reverberating in my head because I am depressed?  Does that even make sense to you?  He explains that the lack of energy and weight gain are a product of depression and all of the other symptoms are the result of the weight gain; the trickle down effect.  The irregular heart beating...panic attacks.  I tell him I am not panicked and he explains that a panic attack comes on with no warning or trigger.  That would make sense except for my heart starts pounding a short while after I eat so does that not mean anything?  Just to be safe, I get to pick up a holter monitor on Monday for a 24 hour stint.  I am thinking the printout will read something like this...

Whoop That A$$

Call me crazy but they all just need a good ass whoopin'!  It's probably too late for the older kids but if we start with the Kindergartners in twelve years society would be back to normal.  What am I talking about?  Corporal punishment.  Or at the least the threat of it.  All of this coddling is clearly not working...don't care what you say Ms. I breastfed my crumb until he was 8 because I wanted him to know he was loved in the world.  


Let me back up.  In the past few weeks there has been much scrutiny over situations involving kids in our school district.  All kinds of trouble on the school buses, bullies, guns in the school.  Just yesterday an elementary student was found hung on the back of the hook in a bathroom stall.  It is not clear if someone hung him there or if it was self-inflicted but I find it hard to believe that an 8-year old could sling himself up on that hook.  It doesn't seem mechanically possible.  
This is some of the recent stories.


So this conversation ensued in response to this video being posted.

Am I crazy?

Alive

I have been so tired that I don't want to function.  I just thought I should let my blogger friends know that I'm still afloat.

All Alone With the Ugliness

Really that should say it all but I will elaborate.  There has been so much going on for the past few months.  Things I haven't either been ready to write about or that I just can't muster the focus to pound out such seriousness.  Maybe a little of both.

Haylee, my 9 year old has some eating issues.  I have had her at the doctor.  She has been evaluated, poked for blood and even done a swallow test.  For every excuse that she has to not eat it has been countered with medical evidence.  I'm not hungry.  It hurts to swallow.  My tooth is loose.  I don't want to eat chocolate chip muffins because it's brown and it reminds me of poo.  It makes my lips hurt.  Except for I don't want to get fat.  She has an appointment in a few weeks with a counselor.  Her Pediatrician threw out it may not be an eating disorder but more of an anxiety disorder where she just happens to be fixating on food.  Excuse my lack of formal training but isn't that a fucking eating disorder?  She was all too excited when she realized she lost five pounds putting her five pounds from needing to be back in a booster seat according to KY law.  It's not only the worry of the whole situation but the arguing with her daily to eat anything at all.  We have taken special grocery trips where I have let her pick out anything she wants.  I have even bought her baby food.  She did a little better directly following the doctor's appointment but has fell back into the whole I'm not eating routine.  So I try to pyschoanalyze and think maybe she liked the attention of the doctor.  Perhaps a weekly trip to a therapist will motivate her to eat....even if she gets a shitty therapist.  Another source of distress.  I hate picking a fucking doctor out of a directory.  Especially, when it is for something as important as this.  I have had crazy, quack doctors and I am not about to let some crazy, quack do a number on her head.  I am sure I am going to fuck her up all on my own, I don't need any PhDs to give it that extra push.

Another reason for stress, Beau.  I feel like he is pulling away from me.  So my catastrophic thinking takes over even when logic tries to prevail.  It seems like we barely talk anymore.  I feel so out of the loop.  His sister's SUV has been sitting in my driveway since her car accident in the middle of February and I just found out two days ago that he was supposed to be working on it.  Which he wasn't so, of course, I didn't know.  He didn't tell me one of the niece's was having a birthday gathering at his Mom's this weekend until a few hours before and that was after Avery told me it was canceled and I asked about it.  It drives me crazy not having advance notice for anything and he knows this.  I like a plan.  I need a plan.  He is building some kind of crazy ass barrel boat floating deck with his friend.  I am unsure who is funding the floating deck shit that is currently sitting in my driveway (yes, my driveway is jam-packed) but he says his friend is and the friend says "It's everybody's boat"  so it begs the question who gets the boat if the Bromance dissolves?  At least it's not a dog.  It may just be my paranoia but it just seems like everyone is hell bent on keeping shit from me.  Maybe they think I am too fragile...or too hostile.  Who knows?  The only thing I know is that my beach vacation is parked in front of the shed still awaiting the renovation completion.

I went to the doctor last week for the annual physical.  Honestly, it's been three years since I have had a full physical and I was thinking I was having a thyroid issue or the diabetes has set in.  I had gestational diabetes twice so it wouldn't be unexpected.  I have gained a crazy amount of weight in just a few months and my diet and lifestyle hasn't been any different than always.  I spoke to the Dr's assistant today and she reports my thyroid and sugar are normal but my cholesterol is high.  Apparently, I have gravy chugging through my veins so a prescription is in order to correct it.  Yippee.  One more fucking pill.  I guess if I want to live I will jump on the treadmill and eat a plain, nasty-ass salad everyday.  Or maybe I won't.  There are eight places that I can crash my car successfully without harming any innocent bystanders on my way from dropping the girls at school.  Five, if I am not dropping the neighbor kid at her school.  I counted them today.

I don't understand the mood I am in.  I am semi-OK one minute and the next everything is so hopeless, worthess....ugly.

Bipolar is ugly.  Life is ugly.  But I kind of feel better now.

Stupid Bipolar

My moods have been so erratic for the last three or four months.  Up and Down and all the tools that I have learned to keep from going one way or the other have failed me.  I am not completely stuck in a depressive episode but it is there hanging over my head.  My anxiety is pretty high fueled by the catastrophic thinking.  I should be thankful that I am not a weepy mess.  My focus is so bad that I actually forgot where Mandi and I had lunch today.  It took me a good minute to recall.  My sleep has been erratic too.  I can't fall asleep at night and when I finally do I am getting 4 maybe 5 hours at best.  I am exhausted all day and end up passing out on the couch at some point during the day.  So I am now caught in a vicious cycle of my days and nights being mixed up.  I saw the doctor last week and he gave me a new sleep aid.  It is supposed to help me fall asleep fast but that has yet to happen.  I am having crazy dreams that wake me up.  Nothing brutal, just mixed up and crazy.  It drives me crazy that I cannot remember them when I wake up so that I can tell them to someone...anyone.  I am waiting on blood work to determine if my thyroid is out of whack...or something else.  I have gained about 25 pounds since the reunion and my lifestyle and diet is no different than all of the months before.  I have all of these great plans in my head.  I can't put them into action.  There are so many things that I want to do and can't manage to even start them.    


Stupid Bipolar.