The Five Days of Christmas

OK, it is really only two days but with all the back and forth it was five.  


Let me explain.  Tradition has been that we go to Beau's Mom's on Christmas Eve, then Christmas day for dinner and then to my family's which is typically hosted by my cousin, Stacey.  This year Stacey had to work so Mandi hosted the festivities for our family.


Every family has different traditions and Christmas means something different to everyone.  Remember the Love Languages?  For my family it is about the food and Beau's side, the gifts.


This year was a total clusterfuck as far as scheduling goes and, the anal clock watcher that I am, stressed me the hell out.  Stressed. The. Hell. Out.


On Christmas Eve everything went off without a hitch.  All of the Aunts and Uncles pass out their gifts to the nieces and nephews.  There's about a dozen of them.  We used to do our adult gift exchange until one of Beau's sister's moved to Ohio and she doesn't come into town until Christmas day.  The gift exchange has a different theme each year and we draw names.  This year it was "locally owned" or as I like to call it "sticking it to the man".  Gifts could not be purchased from a major retailer.

The Grandkids minus, the Ohio Three


Christmas morning we wake up to this and the kids were delighted.

That took about a half hour to plow through.
And I got this...don't be jealous.

We finished our morning routine and headed to Beau's Mom's at 1:30.  The time we were told to be there.  Apparently, we were told a different time than everyone else because everyone was there and had already opened their presents and I didn't get to get pictures of it.  I am a picture taking fool so I was kind of disappointed.  The kids opened their "Santa" presents and after that played with the cousins and their new toys.  It was nearing 4:30 (when I first met Beau dinner was at 1:00ish and year after year it gets a little later)and dinner was not done.  We had only been snacking on a veggie tray and I, for one, was starving.  We were supposed to be at Mandi's between 4:30 and 5:00.


Here was my dilemma.  A no-win situation.  Leave and go to Mandi's and eat cold dinner and have the In-laws pissed at me or stay and wait for the warm dinner and have Mandi pissed at me.  Beau convinced me to leave and said he talked to his Mom and assured me that she was OK with it.  The importance of me going is because this happened earlier in the day.  Mom refused to come to Christmas.  She was having some sort of moment of insanity.  Mandi called her and bitched her out.  Mandi called me crying hysterically.  I called Mom and she sounded like she was doing PCP or something for all the sense that she made.  Said she wasn't coming, wouldn't give me a reason and told me to go ahead and scream at her because Mandi already had.  This is Mandi's first time hosting a holiday and she was really disappointed that Mom had no desire to show up.  So, here I am thinking she is probably going to go postal if I don't hurry up and get there.


We leave for Mandi's under the condition that we will go back to Beau's Mom's later to do the gift exchange because his sister still hadn't made it to town.  I lose my buzz on the drive over.  But oh sweet relief, I got some food.  Fat bitches gotta eat!  We did our small little gift thing at Mandi's, drank, laughed a lot...mostly at my brother Charlee.


Mandi had a minor meltdown when she found out we had to leave and go back to Beau's Mom's because she wanted us to play my new Glee karaoke and hang out all night.  So we leave with the promise that we will return with the Wii game.  I lose my buzz on the drive over.


Back at Beau's Mom's we do our gift exchange.  I got the best candles ever.  One smells like fresh laundry...you must get one for yourself.  It's called stress relief.  I need to eat the bitch!  Ya think?  So we do all that, eat some more chocolate and we are ready to head back to Mandi's.  At this point I really do want to say fuck it, put me to bed but I trudge on.  We load up the two 90 gallon trash bags full of presents into the van and drop them off with Alex at the house because he had had enough.


Back at Mandi's I try to get a buzz and some good video.  Glee karaoke is harder than one would think! 

We finally got home about midnight.  Next year, I am either going out of town or having an open house and if you want to see me, my husband or my kids you can come to me because that was just too damn much.  And I didn't even get any fudge!

Twelve Days

Like "Miracle on 34th Street", "A Christmas Story" and the Legendary "Christmas Vacation"  a good Christmas tale never goes out of fashion.  

I wrote this last year so in case you missed it, I am posting it again.

On the Twelth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Twelve Drummers Drumming. Oh No he didn't!! You know I don't want that racket up in here. You can go ahead and take all them OCD tappity-tappers on up out of this house!!

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...Eleven Pipers Piping. WTF?? Did you get aBOGO on the drummers and pipers? Unless, these are the kind of pipers that can boost my water pressure by 8,000 PSI you are going to have to load them up in the truck and drop them off over there with the drummers!!

On the Tenth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me.....Ten Lords a Leaping. Now, See!! That is the kinda gift I can really get behind! Men in tights dancing around my living room. It doesn't hurt that every third one looks like Matthew McConaughey!! I will definitely be hittin' up the Ebay for that FestivusPole!!

On the Ninth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Nine Ladies Dancing. I'm pretty sure he got these for himself! Look here Hookers, you can stay as long as you keep your grubby paws off my Lords...they leap for me!!!

On the Eighth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Eight Maids a Milking. Sadly, I have no livestock to be tended. I don't even play Farmville. However, I do have, laundry, toilets and windows. What's this you say? You specialize in dairy products? Then jog your ass to the kitchen and whip me up a Quiche!!

On the Seventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me.....Seven Swans a Swimming. I do hope this is a metaphor for seven insanely hot synchronized swimmers. And, now I must go fill the tub and find my swim cap!!

On the Sixth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Six Geese a Laying. WTF? A gift card would have been sufficient. What are your thoughts onregifting? Merry Christmas Drummers and Pipers!! Enjoy!!

On The Fifth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Five Golden Rings. OH SNAP! This is the best Christmas ever!! Gonna get up in the attic and dig out my hammer pants and my Run DMC cassettes!!Flava Flav eat your heart out!!

On the Fourth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Four Calling Birds. Call girls, NOT call birds.Geez! You never listen to me!

On the Third Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Three French Hens. WTF? Did your rich uncle pass and bequeath you an effin' poultry farm? Is this like a cornish hen? Do I stuff it and bake it on 375? There's french wine, french toast, french fries....I could have even learned to play the french horn, ya know!!

On the Second Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Two Turtle Doves. More effin' birds? You've got to beshitting me!! Am I being punked? Ashton, where you at?

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...A Partridge in a Pear Tree. Bitch, you are going to be delicious with a pear-mango salsa! Thanks Rachel Ray! Your new cookbook is almost as delightful as your voice!

Ho Ho Ho   Yes, Hookers!!  I am talking to you :)

Merry Christmas

Here's wishing you all a very Merry Christmas.  I hope you get everything you want :)

Christmas Spirit

Sometimes a good carol will just spark the Christmas spirit.

Weirdness and Presents

I have been in the weirdest mood lately.  Not exactly down or up and I don't know that it has anything to do with the Bipolar but I have no desire to do anything.  I have been generally happy laid up on the couch watching Christmas movies on Lifetime.  I am not sad or sappy so it doesn't feel like a depression where I just lay on the couch.  What is most weird is, I have no desire to clean and I really could care less if Jesus himself came down off the cross and sat next to my pile of folded laundry on the couch.  Usually, I am overly concerned about how the house looks just in case a friend or CPS drops by.  Yes, that's my paranoia.  I rarely have guests and when I do they usually have the good manners to ring me beforehand.  My brain is just stupid lately.


We have been under snow/ice since Sunday so maybe that has something to do with it.  I hate winter.  I hate the cold.  I would be perfectly content living in 90 degrees and sunny all year long.   


Dani has been staying here the past few nights because Mandi has been iced in her neighborhood.  We have been getting along really good.  I hope it lasts.  Last night I recruited her to help me start wrapping gifts.  We knocked out about 30 last night.  I got EmiJo one of those DQ blizzard makers and it is packaged in the most asinine of boxes.  I made up new profanities trying to wrap that bitch.  I am going to submit them to Urban Dictionary.   I should have put that shit in a Kroger bag and tied it up with a fucking bow.I was not compensated for that review.


I still have a bit of shopping left to do and I am running out of time.  I always wait until the last minute to do most everything.  I am a little ahead of the game this year but not by much. 


Also, something has happened to my "funny".  I have no witty comebacks. I really don't like this at all.  I guess I know what I am asking for for Christmas.

Prison Love and Tabloids

I love the tabloids.  While I usually stick with US Weekly or InTouch there was a "Where are they now" article in the Globe and I really wanted to know what happened to the dude from Night Court.


I never thought myself to be naive but after stumbling across these personal ads I just may be a little.  It never occurred to me how people in prison come to be married.  It does clear up for me how that stupid girl fell in love with one of the Menendez brothers and ended up marrying him while he was in prison.  I wonder if she was responding to an ad in the Globe.


But it does beg the question, Who the fat answers these ads?  What kind of fucked up lonely must you be to think inmate #68745 is a real fine catch?


This is a big money business too.  It could cost up to a hundred bones to post an ad and then you have to pay to respond.  Love don't cost a thang, my ass!  The upside, most of the inmates are releasing soon so there could be a real, tangible lovematch develop from their comissary funds!

Correctional Institute Inmate, 39, blonde, green eyes.  Sexy, Sassy & Classy

Sidenote:  Bull is DWM, two children, no TV/computer and enjoys fly-fishing.  I can hook ya up!  Of course, there will be a small fee involved.

Stays In The Honky Tonk

If you have ever wondered what happens in a little honky tonk past 2am, you need wonder no more!  Pay close attention to the commentary.

We watched this couple half the night.  Seriously, the bar was pretty empty so that was the most entertainment we had until we found Mullet.  More on that in a moment.

After our fill of this mess, we found a new victim.  Who we will call Mullet.  Ok, we really did call him mullet.  He was pretty smitten with Bobbie.

What is more fun than a mullet?
A mullet in an Avatar shirt!  By the way, he was not shot in the chin with a Red Rider BB gun.

It's Almost Avery's Birthday

My little Avery's birthday is in two days.  She is going to be seven.  ACKK!  They keep getting older and dragging me with them!  That child says some stuff that just tickles me.


Alex was training Avery how to unload and load the dishwasher.  He is really trying to get rid of that chore and she is willing, so be it.  She walks into the living room and with a little sass she asks, "Mommy, on that little bar of soap don't the red ball go on top?" To which I reply, "yes".  She looks at Alex all knowing and says "aaaa see, I told you"!


I was chatting with Danielle on facebook and we had quite a conversation going.  Avery is sitting next to me and looks at our chat box and asks why we don't use periods.  "You have to use punchyou-ation, you know. I learned that in school.  You have to use it when you write".  She gets that anal grammatical crap honest.  It drives me insane when someone posts on their status something to the effect of "I think I did good on my triganomtry test today". Yep, but I bet you bombed that English quiz!

When she grows up she is going to be a something great, I just wish it wouldn't happen so quickly.


Sidenote:  My TV is back in commission and all is right with the world again!

I Want to Cram A...

I don't know how it happened but between the 7 O'clock and 8 O'clock hour I had a major mood shift.  It is the worst kind.  The kind that doesn't ease it's way into your system so that you have time to know it is coming, prepare yourself and do whatever you have to do to ward it off.  No.  It's the kind that just BAM hits you with no warning.  I was sitting here on the couch with the girls watching Hannah Montana and without anyone touching the remote the volume seemed to rise to decibels that can only be heard by dogs.  I wanted to jump into the electronic box and pummel her nasally ass.  I decided right away that maybe if I had a glass of wine it would reduce the sudden anger I was feeling.  I walked into the kitchen to pour a glass where Beau was making himself a cup of instant cider.  In a glass glass.  With a metal spoon.  He rotated that spoon no less than 50 times clanking it against the glass wall and I am pretty sure a part of my brain exploded as I bent into the refrigerator.


I would love to know why this noise thing bothers me so much, so often?  What part of my brain chemistry is so ill wired that normal, everyday noise makes me want to cram a melon-baller in my ear?

Year in Review

WOW!  It is hard to believe that this year is almost done and gone.  You can imagine my excitement when I found this app on facebook to remind me of all the crazy that has come out of my mouth in 2010!

Blown Lamp and Christmas Lights

It's beginning to feel a bit like Christmas.  We had our first substantial snow last night/today with almost an inch of accumulation.  


We took the kids on a drive tonight looking for Christmas lights.  I baked some cookies to take with us.  Dani was off work this evening so she even got to go.  It was so nice all of us being together doing something that feels like what a normal family would do.

Not Again

I made a mistake.  Last night Haylee had to make a bookmark for her Native American project.  I pulled out the yarn and taught her how to crochet.  Well, the best that I could.  She did pretty good but I got the bright idea I was going to weave a scarf.  Now I feel like I am spiraling down.  Let me back up.  A few years ago my Sister-in-law Debi taught me to crochet so Beau got me a nice treasure chest chock full of supplies.  A video, needles, books with patterns and tons of yarn.  I crocheted for four days straight and it was so calming that it put me into a depression that lasted more than two weeks.  


All day long I have felt like I am having an out of body experience of sorts.  All of my actions are slowed and they don't feel like my own.  I actually fell back to sleep this morning after dropping off the girls and I fear if Mandi would not have called near noon that I would have slept all day.  I got teary-eyed when watching some dumbass Christmas commercial and for the most part my cluttered brain has been replaced with a blank stare.    I have done nothing in the way of housework so, once again, my house looks like an episode of Cops minus the dirty diapers and three rednecks in wifebeaters on the couch with crushed beer cans implanted into their forehead.  


I stopped crocheting.