Because I am in this vicious cycle of insomnia, I have been spending a lot of time reading blogs. There really isn't much in the way of good TV this time of night unless you are totally in need of a foaming acne cleanser or you have the desire to teach your infant how to read before they have their first round of immunizations.
I recently found a blog and, curses me, I can't remember the name of it but for the purpose of this post that is really unimportant. The author complains of racing thoughts. In great detail, I read her words and it felt like my own brain scribing those words. Scattered thoughts. Quick and many. She speaks of depression. She wants to know why her brain never stops. At one point, she even admits that she was diagnosed with Bipolar but she thinks it was a mis-diagnosis and that it was a label that just seemed to fit that period of her life. She ends her post with a verbal slaying of some folks. She thinks she is fucked up.
I am not a doctor. I don't know this girl. I am not trying to say that she is anything. Reading her post, it took me back to the place in my life before I was diagnosed and when I was diagnosed and being incredibly angry about it. It took me by surprise the way her words spoke to me. And, then I got to thinking. Bipolar only really gets any type of attention when someone like Mel Gibson goes on a crazy rant (and I hate to admit it but that same seething anger has fallen out of my mouth many times) and media feels the need to indicate he was diagnosed with Bipolar. Or when some mother drowns her baby in the bath and her defense attorney pleads insanity citing Bipolar Disorder. Most people with Bipolar do not end up on the nightly news. And, most people have a negative perception of the disorder because of the people that do end up on the nightly news.
Bipolar has degrees of severity from it barely effects my daily life but enough for people to say, "Whoa, that was kinda not normal" to psychotic where the patient hears, "Whoa, that was kinda not normal" from a source that noone else hears. I think most people with bipolar fall somewhere in the dead center. I know I do.
I think most everyone (unless you live under a rock) knows what depression looks like. It is accurately portrayed in anti-depressant commercials. The chick fading into the couch...that is how it feels. It is more extreme than sadness or grief. I have not once seen a really good portrayal of mania. I saw a Lifetime movie once about a woman with Bipolar who goes into a whirl-wind of mania after she quits her meds. I really need to watch it again because the only thing I can remember about the character is thinking "Wow, this chick is whack"! I guess it is just hard to describe mania without taking it to extremes.
I have talked about the this before but I really think it needs revisiting and a little more elaboration.
Common signs and symptoms of mania include:
Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)
In a mania, I get highly agitated and everything is so annoying that it is almost unbearable. It is being so pissed off you can't think straight when you do something like knocking your cup of coffee over on the counter while you are trying to add the cream. Way beyond the realms of "pissed off at the world". I have also noticed after monitoring myself for the past two years, physical changes. I can feel the blood pumping in my arms. I can literally feel the rate of speed that the blood is pumping through my veins. It is the most uncomfortable feeling. I do not have high blood pressure or any type of medical condition involving my heart or arteries.
Other times, I am super duper happy! Enthusiastic. This is a great day. There has been no other day in the history of the world as great as this day....and you have done nothing significant to make you feel this way.
I don't think I have any "special powers" but at times I do perceive myself in a different light. I feel like I am smarter, faster, prettier, funnier...a better version of myself.
I sleep very few hours at a time and am not tired but common sense tells me I should be so I get frustrated that I haven't slept. The insomnia usually ends with a crash. Down, down, down.
I have never been told that I am speaking too quickly but I realize that I talk more than normal. I will call everyone I know until someone answers and I have really nothing to talk about but will ramble on. I have caught myself thinking out loud before. I know sad, right?
My brain never shuts up! Is the best way to describe it. Most people just lay their heads down on their pillow and they are asleep in minutes....I take hours. I will think about anything and everything. From the menu for tomorrow's dinner to grand scale renovations to one or all rooms of my house. Catastrophic thinking is a big part of my manias. This is where I concoct horrific "what ifs" in my head. They play out like a scene in a movie and I cannot stop thinking of them unless I physically shake my head. I have heard it described as "a whole bunch of TVs playing in your head at once". I don't know if that is how I would describe it. It is more like "staring at one TV when someone else is controlling the remote, switching channels and not leaving one single channel on for the same length of time". I try to process it all but the "channel surfing" is going to fast.
I am so easily distracted. I have all of these good intentions in my head but cannot get it together to complete any one of them. I find myself pacing around my house trying to figure out what to do next...It's almost like an extreme form of feeling overwhelmed.
I do work really hard not do or say anything stupid that I will regret but this has not always been the case. I have done so many irrational, irresponsible things over the years before I was diagnosed and got a good handle on recognizing what is going on with me so I can head it off at the pass. This is probably one reason that I stay in my house more than most people. It is a safe haven.
I have never had hallucinations but I swear once I had medication induced delusions. My doctor had put me on Abilify, which by the way I consider the Devil's prescription! It caused me to truly believe there was someone in my house. I was positive that the truck parked across the street was stalking me. I was completely terrified. I walked around my house with a knife. I had "weapons" posted up in each room. It was completely impossible for me to trust the logic that was telling me that it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I was only on it for a few days before this started and I was only on it for about a week after. But that was the most antagonizing week of my life. Noone should ever have to live with that type of fear.
My hope is that someone will read this and it will help in some way. If I can change one person's perception of what Bipolar Disorder is well, that is a good start.
