It is not a matter of "forgiving and forgetting". It is a place in my heart that has been forever damamged. Necrotic. Where any number of apologies or good deeds could never heal it. When you have been lied to so many times that you no longer can differentiate the truth and are always second guessing your judgement.
With BPD comes paranoia. Paranoia that sometimes comes in the form of "Is she staring at me?" or "Who is he talking to now?" It comes with an easy out for those around you. An excuse for their bad behavior. "You are just being paranoid." or "You have to stop accusing me, you are crazy.". An easy out. But is it easy? The things that you know you have done but deny. Does it weigh on your conscience like a burlap sack full of stones?
I don't know if knowing the truth would hurt any less. What I do know is that believing a lie then learning the truth, days, months or even years after leaves you broken. Stupid. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Sometimes, it is easier to believe the lie in order to move on with your everyday life. Tucked away for another day. But if shrugged off, you know in your heart that someday it will be something you have to revisit. That you will hear something, recall something and all of the emotions that you pushed down will surely come back up with all the misery and angst as if it were just happening. Reopening old wounds is not like pulling off a Band-Aid.
Will it ever mend? Highly unlikely. The damage has been done.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Bitter Rice Cakes and Carrots
I have been rather productive as of late. I have been working in the yard for the last few days but I am not near finished. I really hate yard work but I like the end result. We are trying the third attempt to grow grass under the huge trees in the front yard. Hopefully, the seed will germinate before the leaves on the trees are in full bloom. There is just not enough sun across the front of the house to encourage the photosynthesis process. Hahaha. Sounds like I know what I am talking about, huh? Not to mention, the girls think the path between our driveway and the neighbor's driveway is a bike route. It looks like a damn dog track! The kids and I also planted a vegetable garden from seeds. This is the first ever attempt at that, so who knows if we will be eating carrots or weeds!
I have decided I am going to take another stab at the weight loss journey. Maybe journey is not the right word. "Unfortunate occurrence" may be more appropriate. Let's be honest. Noone likes to diet. Somehow a slab of ribs or a vat or queso goes down a bit more smoothly than a garden salad with a side of rice cakes! Yummo! However, sleeping with my fat is getting a bit monotonous. I have went up and down with my weight since after birthing Danielle. My highest was 180, after having Alex and my lowest at 115, after having my stomach pumped for over a week after a botched surgery. Currently, I am somewhere in the middle. I am just going to remind myself each day that my ass is growing up my back and as functional it would be to haul a basket of laundry up the stairs on it, it must go! Just so you know, I am thinking about a massive platter of enchiladas at this exact moment. It is only food, it is not entertainment. And, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!
Yesterday, I wished a facebook friend, Happy Birthday and encountered a name from my past had written on the friend's wall also. A name that caused me great anguish for many years. I thought I had put my resentment to bed but apparently, I have not. I would really like to put some closure to that chapter of my life but I do not know what would be the best way to go about it. Some friends suggested, "say it politely"," let it go" or "whoop that ass". But what I really want to do is tell her that I hope that someday someone interrupts her daily life. That she will someday be burdened with the same hatred that brews inside of me. That someday someone makes her wonder why isn't she good enough. That someone takes the food out of her baby's mouth. That someone steps in and turns her otherwise mundane life into a swirling tornado of chaos and it makes her feel empty and worthless. And after she has gone through all of that, I think I would enjoy kicking the crap out of her a whole bunch of times. It would stand to reason that the best revenge is that I have a much better life than I did back then, a great husband, great kids and great friends. Also, I could revel in the fact that the years have not been kind to her. Maybe, I feel a little better about the situation now.
I have decided I am going to take another stab at the weight loss journey. Maybe journey is not the right word. "Unfortunate occurrence" may be more appropriate. Let's be honest. Noone likes to diet. Somehow a slab of ribs or a vat or queso goes down a bit more smoothly than a garden salad with a side of rice cakes! Yummo! However, sleeping with my fat is getting a bit monotonous. I have went up and down with my weight since after birthing Danielle. My highest was 180, after having Alex and my lowest at 115, after having my stomach pumped for over a week after a botched surgery. Currently, I am somewhere in the middle. I am just going to remind myself each day that my ass is growing up my back and as functional it would be to haul a basket of laundry up the stairs on it, it must go! Just so you know, I am thinking about a massive platter of enchiladas at this exact moment. It is only food, it is not entertainment. And, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!
Yesterday, I wished a facebook friend, Happy Birthday and encountered a name from my past had written on the friend's wall also. A name that caused me great anguish for many years. I thought I had put my resentment to bed but apparently, I have not. I would really like to put some closure to that chapter of my life but I do not know what would be the best way to go about it. Some friends suggested, "say it politely"," let it go" or "whoop that ass". But what I really want to do is tell her that I hope that someday someone interrupts her daily life. That she will someday be burdened with the same hatred that brews inside of me. That someday someone makes her wonder why isn't she good enough. That someone takes the food out of her baby's mouth. That someone steps in and turns her otherwise mundane life into a swirling tornado of chaos and it makes her feel empty and worthless. And after she has gone through all of that, I think I would enjoy kicking the crap out of her a whole bunch of times. It would stand to reason that the best revenge is that I have a much better life than I did back then, a great husband, great kids and great friends. Also, I could revel in the fact that the years have not been kind to her. Maybe, I feel a little better about the situation now.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Rambling Spaghetti
My brain is thinking faster than my fingers can type tonight. My brain is a colossal mess of spaghetti. To add insult to injury, I am pretty sure I am rapid cycling because I was so tired earlier today and nothing I did would provoke an ounce of enthusiasm. It was an exaggerated state of "blah". This is such a confusing time. It seems to be getting easier to deal with because I have been having this type of episode a lot lately. I guess I am getting used to it. My sleep patterns are also a mess. I stayed up way too late last night causing me to pass out on the couch in the middle of the day and here I am awake at 1:00 AM. A vicious cycle. A sure-fire way to crash in the making. There appears to be a direct link between my sleep and my mood. I guess this would ring true for anyone, though. I am sure "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" is not exclusive to people with BPD. I hope this down cycle is very temporary. I cannot understand it's timing either. I have nothing going on in my life that is particularly stressful or upsetting. It has been sunny everyday. The thing about BPD is you just can't ever count on it.
I don't really have anything to write about but I feel like I need to write. This would just turn into a ramble session. I think it better to spare you. Hopefully, tomorrow my thoughts will be more organized.
I don't really have anything to write about but I feel like I need to write. This would just turn into a ramble session. I think it better to spare you. Hopefully, tomorrow my thoughts will be more organized.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Ninjas, Tiger and Jesus
Today has been most productive. I conquered the laundry. That is a great feat when you have about 55 mothers up in here throwing their shit on the floor like they are a guest at the Ritz. Things that go on at other hotels don't go on at the Regent Donda Wilshire! I usually sneak up on the pile for fear that a horde of Ninjas are going to pummel my ass with their nun-chucks and Ginsu knives!
Hopefully, tomorrow will be another productive day. I plan to start working in the yard, try to make some headway on the flower beds. If you know me then you would know I would rather have my toenails pulled out with pliers than do yard work. I absolutely hate the feel of dirt! At least I will have a nice day for it...maybe get a spot of sun.
Watching the news today, I saw so many news stories that disturbed me, made me laugh, or otherwise provoked some type of reaction. I will share my thoughts on some current events. This just in.....
Some members of a Texas high school cheerleading squad added urine to some of their teammates sodas.
OK, first off, that is just nasty you little, plastic hookers! I think you misunderstood, "Give me a "P"!! Why can't teenage girls just get along? Ya know....I'd like to buy the World a Coke and keep it company. Because you sure can't leave it unattended!
Two doctors in North Carolina performed a C-Section on a woman that was not even pregnant. They acted on information received from an attending regarding the woman's pregnancy.
I am no effin' doctor but wouldn't you see that a pregnant woman has an elevated HCG level? Even a 15-year old can read an EPT. The Doctors involved received a "letter of concern". What the hell did it say? "Congratulations! You made the cut. You are now ready to extract a real baby.".
Nike has released their first TV ad since the Tiger Woods/lotsa whores scandal broke. The commercial was made using comments made by Tiger's late father to make it appear as if he is reprimanding his boy for his recent bad behavior.
It is most disturbing taking your dead Father's words out of context and using them for your own personal gain. Besides, how does that appeal to Nike patrons? I would think it would just make people realize they DO have "Daddy issues". If it were my ad it would go something like this: "Nike. When you have to outrun your demons". Do you know how many shady mother fuckers are running to the Foot Locker. I can hear the cash register chiming. Crackwhores, dope dealers, cheating spouses, you name it! Cha-Ching!
Portion sizes have increased in "Last Supper" paintings. Fifty-two of the most famous paintings were analyzed using a computer program. The main course size increased by 69%, plate size by 66% and loaves of bread by 23% over the past 1,000 years.
I wonder if Jamie Oliver is going to try to save Jesus? How many points is that bread anyway? Heavens to Betsy! Kirstie, don't lick the painting. Get your ass back on that Wii!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Eggs, Presents and Candles
I am finally having a chance to take a break to write. Since Thursday it has been non-stop go, go, go. Thursday was spent preparing for Haylee's Birthday party. Friday was Haylee's sleepover. Saturday, a Birthday get-together for Haylee, Gabe, Theo and Flip. And of course, Sunday was Easter.
Haylee's party was not nearly as organized as I had planned in my head. It wasn't a colossal mess but it was certainly hectic. Nine little girls at one time was a challenge. Mandi had gotten sick the night before so she wasn't able to make it. With all of the shopping and lists and such I forgot birthday candles. How do you forget the candles? The candle is an iconic symbol associated with Birthdays! I had to improvise by taking a votive candle from one of my sconces. It's whatever...it worked. Sarah and Jennifer brought their girls over along with armloads of wine. I am imagining the two of them in a "Thelma and Louise" scenario cruising down Preston knocking over liquor stores and screaming into the wind "Hogwomen Forever"!!
The Quadruple Birthday party was preceded by a fabulous dinner. It was good seeing everyone. Haylee was surprised when the scavenger hunt for the present led to a Nintendo DS. She has been wanting for one years but I had thought maybe she was too young for one. I didn't want her becoming a couch potato like a lot of kids you hear about that do nothing but eat, sleep and play video games but she has done pretty good about dividing her time between outdoor play, indoor play and electronic play. Also, on a selfish level, it is a fabulous bargaining chip. It is much easier to get her to do chores when I have such a highly valued item to take away.
Easter was nice, another fabulous dinner! Beau's Mom always outdoes herself. Everything was absolutely delicious. She also made a new chocolate egg this year with dried cherries, it's my new favorite! I thought the raisin/walnut was good.
Yesterday was a laundry catchup/party clean-up day although I felt like doing neither. I think the Spring pollen is bothering me. My eye was leaking like Grandpa Biscuits with an incontinence problem. I popped two Benadryl and passed out on the couch. So my day ended up way less productive than it had started.
It feels like I am finally coming down from the manic state I have been in for the past few weeks. Which is a good thing for me physically because being "fabulous" is exhausting. But bittersweet at the same time because it always feels like I am less productive, less creative, less funny...pretty much less everything....just "plain".
Haylee's party was not nearly as organized as I had planned in my head. It wasn't a colossal mess but it was certainly hectic. Nine little girls at one time was a challenge. Mandi had gotten sick the night before so she wasn't able to make it. With all of the shopping and lists and such I forgot birthday candles. How do you forget the candles? The candle is an iconic symbol associated with Birthdays! I had to improvise by taking a votive candle from one of my sconces. It's whatever...it worked. Sarah and Jennifer brought their girls over along with armloads of wine. I am imagining the two of them in a "Thelma and Louise" scenario cruising down Preston knocking over liquor stores and screaming into the wind "Hogwomen Forever"!!
The Quadruple Birthday party was preceded by a fabulous dinner. It was good seeing everyone. Haylee was surprised when the scavenger hunt for the present led to a Nintendo DS. She has been wanting for one years but I had thought maybe she was too young for one. I didn't want her becoming a couch potato like a lot of kids you hear about that do nothing but eat, sleep and play video games but she has done pretty good about dividing her time between outdoor play, indoor play and electronic play. Also, on a selfish level, it is a fabulous bargaining chip. It is much easier to get her to do chores when I have such a highly valued item to take away.
Easter was nice, another fabulous dinner! Beau's Mom always outdoes herself. Everything was absolutely delicious. She also made a new chocolate egg this year with dried cherries, it's my new favorite! I thought the raisin/walnut was good.
Yesterday was a laundry catchup/party clean-up day although I felt like doing neither. I think the Spring pollen is bothering me. My eye was leaking like Grandpa Biscuits with an incontinence problem. I popped two Benadryl and passed out on the couch. So my day ended up way less productive than it had started.
It feels like I am finally coming down from the manic state I have been in for the past few weeks. Which is a good thing for me physically because being "fabulous" is exhausting. But bittersweet at the same time because it always feels like I am less productive, less creative, less funny...pretty much less everything....just "plain".
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Mandi The Great
Today is April Fool's Day. One of the funnest days of the year if you have a funny bone and a willing victim. My victim was my little sister, Mandi. She never even seen it coming. My plan was to log onto her Facebook account and post status updates posing as her and join her in various outrageous group. I thought this was going to be a well orchestrated plan until I tried to log onto her Facebook account about fifty times with every password I could think of that she had ever used. None of them worked. Plan B: reset her password. The only problem, I had to have the password for her email to grab the new password. That too did not pan out. So I thought carefully for a half hour about a story that she would certainly buy without suspicion. I knew that she was out for a day of shopping and lunch with Josh so I called her and explained that there was a sweepstakes at Lowe's for a new washer and dryer. One of those big, fancy ones that Kelly Rippa pitches for. I told her that Frog had called and told me about it. He is always at Lowe's so I knew she wouldn't question it. I told her I entered myself and Beau entered for me and I texted Dani so that she could enter Mandi and I would log onto her email and enter her in the drawing as well. She was getting a little frustrated because she didn't understand what I was trying to say but finally my persistence paid off. She offered up the goods. Yes! Plan back on! So I quickly signed on with the new password and began reeking havoc on her wall. I changed her profile picture to that of Ronald McDonald because she has been compared to him in the past by some mutual friends. Next, I recruited some of her friends and some of my friends to inundate her status updates with witty comments. They were all very helpful. The outcome was stupendous! Below is a sampling of the hilarious chaos. I have deleted names to protect the innocent.
Mandi~~ Don't judge me if you have never had hemorrhoids!!!
Mandi~ Broccoli gives me gas....I need BEANO STAT!!!
Mandi~ GEEZ LOUISE!! This rash itches badly!!
Mandi~~ Finally found what I am looking for!!
Mandi~~Does cheese block you up like it does me?
Mandi~ GEEZ LOUISE!! This rash itches badly!!
Mandi~~ Finally found what I am looking for!!
Mandi~~Does cheese block you up like it does me?
Mandi~~Does cheese block you up like it does me?
This is the point at which Mandi discovered that she had been had!
Mandi~ Ok just so all ya'll know....i do not have hemroids and my rear is not hairy....i=my cat isnt in heat and i dont have an elbow fetish...what I do have is the meanest most awfulest sister in the history of all sisters and she will pay for this!!! WAAAHHHHAAA
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