Road Rage and the Pearly Whites Heist

Today was a busy day for the most part.  This Holiday weekend is going to be jam-packed full of events.  Almost as laborious as Christmas.  Friday night we will be hosting a sleepover for Haylee's Birthday.  Her Birthday is actually Saturday but Easter being Sunday we will have to hold the bash the night before.  Saturday will be the quadruple Birthday party for Haylee, my Father-in-law, Flip, and my two nephews, Theo and Gabe.  Beau's sister will be coming in from Ohio.  And of course, Easter Sunday.  Two dinners and two egg hunts.  In order to get through the hustle and bustle of this weekend, I have prepared a girls' night of sorts.  Mandi, Jennifer, Sarah and myself will be sipping wine, eating cheese and having some laughs while the Birthday girl and her many guests tend to the crafts, movies and music that I have planned for them.  There will be a lot of pink balloons and estrogen up in here.  I highly recommend that Beau and Alex find someplace else to be for the night.


Mandi and I went shopping for party items and Easter Bunny loot.  First, we hit Hobby Lobby.  On our way there Mandi experienced a bout of road rage.  Mandi is a speed demon by nature so impede her path to any destination and every fault that you have will be exposed.  She howled something to the effect of, "Stupid Fuckerface, you couldn't go any slower?  You Fatass!  That is why you go so slow! I could have made that!  Go get a Big Mac Dumbass!".  Anyhow, we made it safely into the parking lot. There is so much to look at.  So many treasures.  I could live and die in that place.  I picked up some supplies for the craft projects.  The clerk ringing me out needed a serious attitude adjustment.  I thought she had charged me $2.99 for a .67 item.  I asked, "What did you just ring up?".  Of course, I was going to ask.  That looked like a 300% mark up!  Not in this economy, Lady!  Apparently, she is one of those unruly teenagers that do not like to be questioned because she got a little snippy with me.  It was too damn early in the morning for that nonsense.  


Next, we went to the Dollar Tree.  Another place I really like.  Sometimes quantity IS better than quality.  More party favors, streamers and the like.  I also picked up some random crap to throw in the Easter baskets as fillers.  


Next stop, El Nopal better known as "mucho chippos".  We always eat so many chips before our order comes that we can barely eat the meal.  Can I get a to-go box?  At one point, the waiter asked us if everything was OK and Mandi perked up and much too enthusiastically said, OH YEAH!  Big Ol' Kool-Aid!  Simmer down, Mandi!


Last stop Wal-Mart, more Easter crap, more party crap.  It is just way too easy to impulse shop at Wal-Mart.  I always end up leaving out with way more than I had ever intended.  How do they do that?  It must be how they strategically place crap I don't need but will surely pick up directly in front of my basket.  I am beginning to think the wheels lock and time freezes until the unneeded item lands carefully in my cart.  Nice try.  I am on to your marketing scheme!!  A funny conversation I overheard:  A sweet little old lady was toting in her cart  what I assume was her was her Grandson.  He looked to be about five.  He pointed to a poster and said, "Look it's Justin Bieber!".  The woman in her feeble voice replied, "Yeah, they sure do make that Johnny Depp look good!". Not sure how she got that out of that but it was so cute.  Perhaps, time to adjust the Beltone but cute none the less!


I got Haylee's gifts wrapped and let the girls fill the treat bags.  At least that part is done.  


I have been mostly useless for the later part of the evening.  I have made coffee (which is probably a colossal mistake at almost 9:00 pm) and am hoping I get a second wind because there is quite a bit more I would have liked to accomplish today.  


Avery lost her second tooth and for the second time she has tried to swindle me.  Both times she has reported having been rewarded more money than the Tooth Fairy has actually left her.  This time she was left with $2.00 in exchange for the little jewel.  And this time she shows me an extra 40 cents.  So with the brilliant idea from my friend, Monica, I confront her.  I tell her that the Tooth Fairy just called to tell me that she only left Avery two dollar bills.  Just a side note, this is highway robbery!  I think I only got a quarter or some crap like that.  Of course, back in the day that would score you a few packs of Now and Laters or a giant freeze pop.  Avery's response was and I quote, "Really?  Really?  You better call her back.  Call her back right now! She needs to check that list.  She gave me green dollars and silver quarters!"  Bernie Madoff meet Avery Flores!


Tomorrow....more of the same.

Well, Ain't That A Buncha S**t

What can I say about today.  It was eventful, that's for sure.  It started off a little rushed, we woke up 20 minutes later than normal.  I haven't been very productive today in the way of household chores.  I even made a lazy dinner, picking up a couple of those yummy rotisserie chickens from the Kroger deli.  


Beau had his procedure today.  An upper and lower GI.  Preparation for this hot mess of medical technology was super fun.  NOT.  I decided to join Beau yesterday in his all liquid diet as a show of solidarity.  Needless, to say I was starving by 5:00 and broke down and had an instant breakfast drink.  I don't think I would do too good if there ever came a point where I would need to be hooked to a feeding tube.  I need to chew shit.  Beau was just as dissatisfied with the clear broth bullshit.  At one point, a Hardee's commercial was running and I thought he was going to lick the TV.  I would have been real mad too because I just cleaned it!  If you know anything about this particular test you know that you have to drink a whole bunch of nasty stuff and then spend your day tearing up the plumbing.  I smell dead people.  Quick stop to Rite-Aid for some Nutra-Air.


We arrived at the Endoscopy Dept. right on schedule.  The whole thing was done in about an hour and that is when I was allowed to go back to start waking him up from the anesthesia.  The Doctor and Anesthesiologist said everything went fine but they did find three polyps and removed them.  The results will be back on them in about a week but the Doctor reassured me that they did not look cancerous.  What a relief!  Because in all honesty, I was really worried it would be something really bad.  My catastrophic thinking was in full force today.  


The whole experience wasn't dead serious.  There was some humor to it all.  When Beau started to arouse he was saying all kinds of things that made no sense, kept asking me the same question over and over and saying things that were just downright funny!  I know he asked me what time it was about a half dozen times.  When I started to get him dressed he was sitting perched on the side of the bed, groggy and barely helpful.  He was too preoccupied by his new found treasure.  Slipper socks.  Apparently, his feet were cold before the procedure so they gave him a pair of gray slipper socks, the ones with the treads on the bottom.  They looked as if they had been worn and washed about fifty times but that didn't bother Beau.  The conversation is as follows:


Beau:  I like these socks. (slurring)
Me:  Yeah, their nice. (being agreeable)
Beau:  No, I really like them.
Me: I know, Babe. (just going with it)
Beau:  I think I'm gonna keep these socks.
Me:  Ya want me to put them in my purse or something? (laughing)
Beau:  No, I can wear them home.
Me:  I don't think that's gonna work with your flip-flops.
Beau: Uh huh.  Look. See. (jamming his sock feet into the little strappy thing)
Me:  Ummm, that's a serious fashion faux pas. (laughing and quietly thinking Jesus Christ this is worse than them ugly cowboy boots)
Beau:  Nuh uhh. People wear em like this. (still slurring)
Me:  What people?
Beau:  You know.  Them people.
Me:  Umm, no they don't. (shaking my head in disgust)
Beau:  Yeah, you know but with them, umm them, you know (trying to gesture what a sandal would look like if it only had a band across the top, picture Nike sandals with tube socks) them ones that have that thing like that.
Me:  Yeah, people do wear them....in 1992!! 


Anyhow, he is still wearing the socks.  


The nurse had a little fun with him too.  She reminded me a bit of Nurse Jackie, same hair, same stature, same scrubs.  Only she had an English accent and no snorting straw.  That was in view.  She was talking to Beau about his previous kidney stones and the subject came up of how men can't tolerate pain.  After she disconnected his IV, just for fun, she pressed a piece of surgical tape onto his arm and quickly yanked.  The confusion on his face was almost as funny as his garbled speech.  


I must say, the service at Baptist East was impeccable.  If I ever need to get my colon cleansed thoroughly, I know exactly where I am going to go!

That's What You Think.

When you are up and down all of the time it is kind of hard to form an identity.  It is hard to trust your emotions because sometimes they lie.  I find that I learn a little more about myself daily.  This is a good thing because for the past thirty-some odd years I have felt "lost".  I think beginning to know myself is helping me to recognize when a mood swing is coming and if I am lucky I can take myself out of a situation that would make it worse or realize that it is temporary and this too shall pass.  I can definitely see that it is making a slight difference in the way I handle relationships.  At least most of them some of the time.


This is some questions that my Facebook friends have answered about me using a Quiz App.  I have no tokens to reveal the answers nor do I expect that at any point  in the near future will I have enough tokens to unlock the answers so I will never know who thinks what.  This type of thing makes me think.  


So here is whats what about Donda.

Their questions give me the giggles.  Your answers give me the LOLs

• Do you think that Donda is hyper? Yes

Depends on the day of the week, the position of the sun and the dosage of medication but most of the time I am not hyper.

• Do you think that Donda has ever been unfaithful in a relationship? No

Unfortunately, I have been unfaithful and I learned from that mistake a long, long, long time ago.

• Do you think that Donda is a jealous significant other? No

You don't know me at all.  Yes, I am jealous and not like you have a better job than me and you have cooler friends than me, your car is better than mine.  More like if you go steppin' out I will cut you off at the knees.  But maybe that's possessive not jealous.

• Do you think that Donda  can do 20 pushups? No

Correctomundo!

• Do you think that Donda thinks shopping at Wal-Mart is classy? Yes

Well, I don't know if I would say classy but I will say I like it alot.

• Do you think that Donda is dumber than Britney Spears? No

Praise Jesus.

• Do you think Donda is cool? Yes

Thanks

• Is Donda fun to be around? Yes

Thanks again

• Do you think that Donda is tone deaf? No

In order for you to keep that perception you will need to stay away from the New View Bar on Karaoke nights.

• Do you think that has ever slapped anyone? No

My nickname in Middle School was Rocky.

• Does Donda sing in the shower? Yes

I have before but it's not a ritual.

• Would you hook up with Donda ? Yes

Hopefully, my Husband answered this question.

• Do you think that Donda swears like a sailor? Yes

Yes, and I need to stop that.  Sometimes a curse word is the only adequate choice to properly emphasize your point.  EX. That was good cake.  That was some good fucking cake.  Now, which cake do you want to eat?

• Have you ever had a crush on Donda ? Yes

Yes, the suspense is killing me.

• Do you think that Donda  is hot? Yes

I am flattered but the only time I am hot is when it is 95 degrees out and I am pulling weeds.

• Do you think that Donda  would help an elderly woman cross the street? Yes

Yes, you are correct.

• Do you think that Donda  is a sore loser? No

You are wrong.

• Do you think that Donda  thinks wine in a box is classy? Yes

I must admit I have never had boxed wine...is it classy?

• Do you think that Donda can dance? Yes

Your a fool!

• Do you think that Donda is annoying? No

Thanks 

• Do you think Donda is cool? Yes

If I am cool then how can I be hot too?  

• Do you think that Donda can cook? Yes

Yes, I am the best cook this side of the Outer Loop.

• Do you think that Donda  is lazy? No

But I have my days.

• Do you think that Donda has a cute butt? No

You don't like my pineapple-upside down ass?

• Do you think that Donda could shoot someone if they had to? Yes

I hate guns...sorry card carrying members.  But the answer is yes, if I had to.

• Do you think that Donda  wants to 'come out of the closet'? No

But have you seen this closet?  Look at the organization.  It is immaculate, why would I want to leave?

• Do you think that Donda is 'smarter than the average bear'? Yes

I have no knowledge of the brain capacity of a bear so I can not accurately say.

• Do you think that Donda would sell you out for a million bucks? Yes

A million bucks is alot of money and are your secrets really that valuable?  I'll give you a cut!

• Do you think that Donda  has a deep dark secret? No

I'm an open book.

• Do you think that Donda likes chick flicks? Yes

Why, yes I do.

• Do you think that Donda  looks good in a bathing suit? Yes

Time for your yearly eye exam.

• Do you think that Donda likes brownies? Yes

Anything chocolate.  I need to be buried in it so that I come back happy in my next life.

• Do you think that Donda  has ever pranked call someone? No

Good!  You will never suspect it's me when your phone rings at 3:00 am.

• Does Donda dress poorly? No

You should see me on laundry day.

• Do you think that Donda  watches the TV show "24"? No

Nope

• Do you think that Donda  sends too many Facebook invites? Yes

Delete me.

Salt and Jello

What happens when your chemistry is hot.  When your brain is running rampant like Kirstie Alley running to an all you can eat buffet?  Random thoughts and questions. Quick and many.  Like.....

Who was the nimrod that invented the washing machine?  It had to have been some man.  I guess it beats tromping to the creek to beat the shit on a rock.  More importantly, who decided humans needed clothes anyway?  Most likely a descendant of Gloria Allred.  Sometimes you female activists don't think things through.

Why can't I find the hidden political meanings behind "The Wizard of Oz" in a Google search?  I knew I should have kept that paper from my 9th grade history class.

I think I need a plumber.

OctoMom's new house is about to be foreclosed on.  I wonder when the Repo man is coming for her lips?

Who came up with the old saying, "It's raining cats and dogs"?  That doesn't even make sense!  Unless you are on an acid trip while watching "Homeward Bound" then it kinda does.

Why do I get excited every time Jeffrey Rogers updates his status on the FB newsfeed thinking Patrick Dempsey finally accepted my friend request?

I need to get the treadmill out of the corner it is buried in.

What is the deal with Whoopi talking in this valley girl voice lately?  She is fuckin' me all up with that noise.

Pepsi is going to lower the sodium in their popular products like soda and chips by 25% by 2015.  Really?  We can put a man on the moon but it is going to take five years to figure out how to tip the shaker up?  Do we have to be weaned off like a meth-head?  Will there be a salt clinic next to every Kroger in America?

Pauly Shore does rock, I don't care what anybody says.  Why can't he make a come back?

Shut up, Brain!

When Beau has his procedure Tuesday does that mean I have to eat fucking Jello all day in show of support.  I could always make a Jello-steak mold for dinner Monday night.  MMMM Yummy...see my mouth watering?

I bet Sarah Rapley is jonesing for some Facebook.

I need to eat sugar-free Jello.

Now, I am thinking about that stupid ass treadmill again.

What the hell is wrong with Facebook...my notifications aren't working and I wish there was an arsonist App for my Social City.  Stupid freezing up Crap!

I wonder how much salt is in Jello.

That tattooed chick that Jesse James was sleeping with looks like she took a tumble into an inkwell and seized for a minute. I wonder if Tiger paid Jesse to take the heat until the Masters is over.  It's a conspiracy!

This pork loin is going to be delicious.  I need potatoes.  That means I have to go to Kroger.  That was not in my plan.  

I wonder if my shows are new tonight.

I haven't seen a TV ad for Abilify lately.  I wonder if the FDA pulled that crazy-making devil drug.  Britney Spears was probably taking it when she decided that pink wig was a good look for her.

Why don't they write any comical lines in soap operas?  Why is this on my TV? It is warping my brain.  

I think I will call Mandi and ask to borrow some potatoes and a cake.

Beau is gonna love this dinner.

Shut up, Brain!

Wrists and Winter

This will be short and sweet like the warm front that passed through reaching a lovely seventy degrees for two whole days in a row. Boy, how I hate winter. Although, it is now officially spring it still feels like fucking winter to me.

I moved my bedroom remodel out of development and into production. It only took four days. Did you know that people really do have muscles in their wrists? I seemed to have forgotten since I only use mine for resting on the keyboard or flipping through channels, lately. Anyhow, the room looks fabulous. It is the oasis of tranquility that I was hoping for. Beau helped me a little with the painting. I took a break to go shopping with Mandi and while I was standing in line ready to swipe my card he called to let me know that he had just had a little OOPS. I am sure I have mentioned it before but he is a klutz. He tripped over his foot and dumped what I would guess to be about 5 cups of paint on the carpet. Luckily, he was able to get it all up.

Beau, Mandi, Josh and I went to the New View Saturday night. We had a great time. It was non-stop laughs and I was even able to get Mandi on the dance floor this time. We were admiring the va-va-voom of an elderly woman. She was dancing her butt off. I think WOW! I sure do hope that I have it like that when I am sixty-something. Beau took a mobile picture of Me and Mandi and posted it to Facebook. I know I have been gaining weight but I hadn't realized how much weight until I logged onto my account the next day. It really, truly looks like I have one of those latex suits on my face that they use in the movies. Just call me Ms. Doubtfire! I think I am going to start my diet/exercise regimen tomorrow. At least try. It seems like I have spent the last two decades trying to lose weight only to get half way to my goal and then giving up. I think my motivation would be a little higher if I could get my mood in check. Please summer sun, come quickly!

TV and The Tooth Fairy

What can I say? I have been a lame blogger. Is that the opposite of a dope rapper?

My brain has been speeding lately and I think it may have got a citation at one point because it seemed to slow for a bit. No cops in sight....so it is soaring again. I am feeling kind of blah today but I think it is because I know that Bitch, Flo is coming by next week.

I have been contemplating painting our bedroom. I have developed the plan in my head but I have not moved it into production. And, feeling the way I do lately it may take a while. I would like some help with it but as Beau injured his back and unable to perform any domestic duties that I request (don't let this be confused with requests made by other members of his family or tasks of his own choosing) it may be a one-man band. I guess I should mention that Beau slipped a disc bowling a few weeks ago.

I have definitely been clocking ample TV time lately. It surely won't last because summer, or as I like to call it "rerun season", is quickly coming. I am currently watching American Idol and am quite unimpressed with Ellen's judging skills. She is funny when she is trying to be funny but when she needs to be serious it comes over as a big rambling mess. Speaking of mess, Just finished watching the Bachelor. That Jake is the biggest cry-baby I have ever seen. I am thinking he should definitely audition for any and all Lifetime movie scripts that come across his lap. He is going to be on the next "Dancing with the Stars". I do not watch this show but I will be secretly rooting for him because I don't think his tender heart could withstand the certain trauma of rejection.

Avery is learning to read and she just lost her first tooth. Confirming that my prime years are slipping away. I hate to think of it that way but these are the lasts of all my firsts. So bittersweet. She is a sneaky little devil too. The tooth fairy gave her a quarter and a dollar in exchange for that first gem and when she presented her reward to me the next morning with sheer excitement she somehow managed to have a buck seventy.