Like "Miracle on 34th Street", "A Christmas Story" and the Legendary "Christmas Vacation" a good Christmas tale never goes out of fashion.
I wrote this last year so in case you missed it, I am posting it again.
On the Twelth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Twelve Drummers Drumming. Oh No he didn't!! You know I don't want that racket up in here. You can go ahead and take all them OCD tappity-tappers on up out of this house!!
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...Eleven Pipers Piping. WTF?? Did you get aBOGO on the drummers and pipers? Unless, these are the kind of pipers that can boost my water pressure by 8,000 PSI you are going to have to load them up in the truck and drop them off over there with the drummers!!
On the Tenth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me.....Ten Lords a Leaping. Now, See!! That is the kinda gift I can really get behind! Men in tights dancing around my living room. It doesn't hurt that every third one looks like Matthew McConaughey!! I will definitely be hittin' up the Ebay for that FestivusPole!!
On the Ninth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Nine Ladies Dancing. I'm pretty sure he got these for himself! Look here Hookers, you can stay as long as you keep your grubby paws off my Lords...they leap for me!!!
On the Eighth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Eight Maids a Milking. Sadly, I have no livestock to be tended. I don't even play Farmville. However, I do have, laundry, toilets and windows. What's this you say? You specialize in dairy products? Then jog your ass to the kitchen and whip me up a Quiche!!
On the Seventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me.....Seven Swans a Swimming. I do hope this is a metaphor for seven insanely hot synchronized swimmers. And, now I must go fill the tub and find my swim cap!!
On the Sixth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Six Geese a Laying. WTF? A gift card would have been sufficient. What are your thoughts onregifting? Merry Christmas Drummers and Pipers!! Enjoy!!
On The Fifth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Five Golden Rings. OH SNAP! This is the best Christmas ever!! Gonna get up in the attic and dig out my hammer pants and my Run DMC cassettes!!Flava Flav eat your heart out!!
On the Fourth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Four Calling Birds. Call girls, NOT call birds.Geez! You never listen to me!
On the Third Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Three French Hens. WTF? Did your rich uncle pass and bequeath you an effin' poultry farm? Is this like a cornish hen? Do I stuff it and bake it on 375? There's french wine, french toast, french fries....I could have even learned to play the french horn, ya know!!
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...Eleven Pipers Piping. WTF?? Did you get aBOGO on the drummers and pipers? Unless, these are the kind of pipers that can boost my water pressure by 8,000 PSI you are going to have to load them up in the truck and drop them off over there with the drummers!!
On the Tenth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me.....Ten Lords a Leaping. Now, See!! That is the kinda gift I can really get behind! Men in tights dancing around my living room. It doesn't hurt that every third one looks like Matthew McConaughey!! I will definitely be hittin' up the Ebay for that FestivusPole!!
On the Ninth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Nine Ladies Dancing. I'm pretty sure he got these for himself! Look here Hookers, you can stay as long as you keep your grubby paws off my Lords...they leap for me!!!
On the Eighth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Eight Maids a Milking. Sadly, I have no livestock to be tended. I don't even play Farmville. However, I do have, laundry, toilets and windows. What's this you say? You specialize in dairy products? Then jog your ass to the kitchen and whip me up a Quiche!!
On the Seventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me.....Seven Swans a Swimming. I do hope this is a metaphor for seven insanely hot synchronized swimmers. And, now I must go fill the tub and find my swim cap!!
On the Sixth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Six Geese a Laying. WTF? A gift card would have been sufficient. What are your thoughts onregifting? Merry Christmas Drummers and Pipers!! Enjoy!!
On The Fifth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Five Golden Rings. OH SNAP! This is the best Christmas ever!! Gonna get up in the attic and dig out my hammer pants and my Run DMC cassettes!!Flava Flav eat your heart out!!
On the Fourth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Four Calling Birds. Call girls, NOT call birds.Geez! You never listen to me!
On the Third Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Three French Hens. WTF? Did your rich uncle pass and bequeath you an effin' poultry farm? Is this like a cornish hen? Do I stuff it and bake it on 375? There's french wine, french toast, french fries....I could have even learned to play the french horn, ya know!!
On the Second Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me....Two Turtle Doves. More effin' birds? You've got to beshitting me!! Am I being punked? Ashton, where you at?
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...A Partridge in a Pear Tree. Bitch, you are going to be delicious with a pear-mango salsa! Thanks Rachel Ray! Your new cookbook is almost as delightful as your voice!
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...A Partridge in a Pear Tree. Bitch, you are going to be delicious with a pear-mango salsa! Thanks Rachel Ray! Your new cookbook is almost as delightful as your voice!
Ho Ho Ho Yes, Hookers!! I am talking to you :)
lmfao this shit was hilarious! I loved it!!! Damn!! I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT!! AHHHHHHHHH! Merry Christmas to you and yours mama! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how you'd deal with 100 bottles of beer on the wall.
ReplyDeleteAre you kiddin'?? I know too many alcoholics to ever have 100 bottles of any kind of booze!
ReplyDelete