Trudging Through

Bummed out.  That is the best descriptive.  Things are just moving along while I am trying to not pay attention.  It's always easier that way.  My sleep has been disturbed by fearful thoughts for going on a month now.  I am barely sleeping in my own bed because as soon as I lay down I start hearing strange noises and have to get up to "check it out".  I end up on the couch because it is halfway between all of the kids, you know, just in case. Logically, I know it is ridiculous but I cannot seem shake the feeling.  It has been a while since I started leaving the bathroom light on to light our room.  I used to never sleep with any lights on.  On the contrary, I used to not be able to sleep unless it was pitch black.  I am really thinking that I need to add an anti-anxiety med because it is getting out of hand.  


We were informed last week that beginning January the health insurance premium will be going up by $100 if you are a smoker.  Which we are.  I am now thinking what would be the best way for me to do this.  So many people I know have quit using that new drug Chantix but with terrible side effects associated with mood.  From what I understand it affects your "pleasure receptors" weaning you off so eventually it is not pleasurable to smoke.  It makes sense that it would throw someone like me into a deep depression.  No thanks!  I don't need any extra triggers.


I keep gaining weight.  I know that it is a side effect of my current medication but I have realized lately I have been eating to fill a void.  It's not that my stomach is empty, my heart is.  So as much as losing weight seems like a grand plan and an easy endeavor in my head, I have no desire to put it into action.   I am losing days.


I miss my friend.