It is not a matter of "forgiving and forgetting". It is a place in my heart that has been forever damamged. Necrotic. Where any number of apologies or good deeds could never heal it. When you have been lied to so many times that you no longer can differentiate the truth and are always second guessing your judgement.
With BPD comes paranoia. Paranoia that sometimes comes in the form of "Is she staring at me?" or "Who is he talking to now?" It comes with an easy out for those around you. An excuse for their bad behavior. "You are just being paranoid." or "You have to stop accusing me, you are crazy.". An easy out. But is it easy? The things that you know you have done but deny. Does it weigh on your conscience like a burlap sack full of stones?
I don't know if knowing the truth would hurt any less. What I do know is that believing a lie then learning the truth, days, months or even years after leaves you broken. Stupid. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Sometimes, it is easier to believe the lie in order to move on with your everyday life. Tucked away for another day. But if shrugged off, you know in your heart that someday it will be something you have to revisit. That you will hear something, recall something and all of the emotions that you pushed down will surely come back up with all the misery and angst as if it were just happening. Reopening old wounds is not like pulling off a Band-Aid.
Will it ever mend? Highly unlikely. The damage has been done.
Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean no one is out to get me. I know, it's been said before but hey, it's true. I've learned to do one thing in my up, down and sideways days...trust my gut. Then, I just have to decide what to do with it.
ReplyDelete