It's Not All Black and White

Despondent. That is about the most accurate adjective to describe my current mood. I am not sure why I have fallen into this downward spiral. There haven't been any current events conducive of this funk that I am in. Randomly, I have burst into tears for no apparent reason since Yesterday. I am worried about Danielle's transition to her new dorm room but nothing tear provoking. I have not been sleeping well for the last several weeks and it's getting worse. Not only was I waking up coughing my head off several times a night but I have also been dreaming. Alot. All kinds of mixed up dreams that have absolutely nothing to do with nothing! One fragment that I can recall, on my kitchen counter there were tons of candy bars and kitchen utensils and I was instructing Beau and Alex to put them in either of the two drawers also sitting on the kitchen counter. I am really not sure what Freud would make of this but I am sure that Beau would say I just need to get laid!

When I drop down into these low moods I stare aimlessly through the TV. Typically, not hearing or seeing anything in front of me. Yet, while staring at Dr. Phil Today I somehow managed to take it all in. The subject was infidelity as seen through the eyes of "the other woman". Whenever I watch anything covering this topic it affects me. I have been on both sides of the coin. Not intentionally. It is not like you grow up dreaming of the day you can marry badly or you just can't wait until your old enough to be called a "Homewrecker". I think this is a more complicated subject than abortion, gay marriage or Kate Gosselin's horrendous streaks.

Before Beau, I was married to a man that cheated on me habitually. He denied it adamantly. It took me eight years to believe it. Even though I had a gut feeling, I could never catch him. And, oh how I tried. For some reason, I felt like I needed to see it to believe it. Of all the people who knew of all the flings, affairs and promise rings noone ever felt the need to confirm my suspicions. Basically, for eight years I was stupid to it. In his eyes, I was crazy, imagining things and he took every opportunity to voice that opinion. The lies actually were more hurtful than the affairs themselves. Of course, once people knew that we were separated or divorced and I would bump into them out somewhere, the details flowed freely. On the pool table at the Fire Station? Lovely. So yes, I have trust issues. One cold day in January (ironically, I don't think he was stepping out at the time) I grew tired. Tired of being in the life that I was in. I made him leave and never second guessed my decision. I only wished that I had had the courage many years before. That is time that I will never, ever get back. Wounds that will never, ever completely heal.

As for the other side of that coin, enter Beau. I knew he was married. It happened slowly. So, slowly, in fact, that it almost didn't happen. We met in a chat room. We talked a few times on the phone. There were not immediate sparks and it wasn't like I didn't have other offers. Being newly separated and single for the first time since I was a kid I had a new type of freedom I had never had before. I spent most weekends in a hotel bar. This is where I met him in person for the first time. It was Valentine's Day. The moment I saw him I knew that he was going to be an important person in my life. After that first meeting we became close, quickly. We went on dates, talked on the phone, met for lunch. Regular stuff that regular couples do. Except we weren't a regular couple. He almost always went home to his wife. I had the occasional Friday night. I tried to break it off several times, as did he. It felt right when I was with him but wrong when he walked out the door. I do believe that I cried more in that six months of being the cheater than I did in the eight years of being the cheated on. When bad things happen to us now, I still think this must be a punishment from the Gods. I can't say that I am not happy that we did not give up on each other. I cannot imagine my life without him and the family that we have made.

The point is that whether you are the cheater or the one being cheated on, there are tears that are shed. There is agony and sadness and times when you think you will lose your mind. It is complicated and the fallout lasts a lifetime.

Things I Love

The illness is still plaguing my lungs. I believe I am going to have to break down and go to the doctor tomorrow. I was trying to avoid it because it is always such a hassle. I hate being stuck in a room with a bunch of hacking people with their whiny, rambunctious children that most likely need a dose of Ritalin or better yet Phenobarbital while I myself am hacking uncontrollably. Worse even, paying good cash money for the experience. Whatever happened to the house call?

I have been trying to keep a positive attitude because generally a physical illness usually leads to a depressive episode. The weather is changing and getting colder, another trigger for depression. I started thinking about the things I love.

Fresh Laundry. I love the smell and feel of it when it is just out of the dryer. Sometimes, I will drape a warm towel over my legs while I am folding the rest of the basket even if it is mid-summer and 100 degrees outside.

The way Avery pronounces some of her words. She puts a "duh" sound in front of alot of the words she says. Earlier after she ate she said, "I think my belly is going to duhxplode"! When she organizes something in her room she says, "Look Mommy! I duhranged the books"! She looks so cute when she puts on her duhjamas!

Songs that take me back. There are certain songs that I hear from time to time that make me think of a time in my life. And not necessarily a meaningful event. If I hear "Sex and Candy" on the radio it reminds me of the time that I was addicted to AOL and spent countless hours in chat rooms. "Red, Red, Wine" reminds me of riding the school bus Senior year.

My Aunt Joyce's fudge. It is the best. You can not buy it at the fair and the deli cannot duplicate the recipe. Growing up, the adults always got a tin of fudge and I could not wait for the Christmas that I was an adult and got my own tin of fudge. I firmly believe that if I am buried with a tin of her fudge that I will come back in the next life a happy person.

Looking at pictures. Even if I have seen them millions of times before I still love to look at them. I dissect them and try to find things that I haven't seen before.

I love the way a room looks after I rearrange the furniture. Even if you have had the same damn couch for ten years (which I never have, I think I have commitment issues) everything looks totally new for the first week or two.

I love the way it makes me feel when Beau looks at me in that way that seems he is trying to penetrate my soul. He does it all the time but it doesn't always make me feel "that way" but when it does it feels so warm and fuzzy.

I love commercials. Any commercial that provokes any kind of emotional response. I love the AT&T commercial with the "wasted minutes". That woman's facial expressions are priceless. And, I think that "Flo the Progressive girl" should get her own show.

I love the way the air smells right before a big snow. It reminds me of when I was little and we moved here from Hawaii and there was a huge snow and I had never seen snow, let alone felt cold. Even though I absolutely hate cold weather, I love snow.

I love conversations with Mandi. They flow freely and we bounce wit off of each other like those rubber balls you get out of the quarter machine at the grocery store. I think we would have a very successful variety show, maybe something along the lines of "Wayne's World".

I love Mexican food. I could eat it every single day and never get tired of it.

I love TV. I don't really feel the need to elaborate.

I love that I have made tons of mistakes in my life and have learned from most of them....eventually. There are very few things, even if they were really bad, that I truly regret. Everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am today.

Sick N Tired

In my opinion H1N1 sounds like a rapper! I don't think that is what I have but I definitely have something. I have been fighting the head and chest congestion for nearly a week now. I have downed multiple bottles of Robitussin and Thera Flu. I have been doing breathing treatments and nothing is helping much. I do wish that it would hurry up and run it's course! All of the medicine has me sleep deprived. I haven't slept more than a few hours at a time for days. OK, I am assuming that it is the cold meds and not a mood swing. Last night I did fall asleep until after 5:00am and then back up at 7:15.

There has really been a lot going on lately despite the fact that I have been couch ridden. Just goes to show that the world does not stop spinning just because you are not in it.

Beau had to be seen by a surgeon today to have a cyst/boil thingy cut out. He is in a lot of pain and we will find out if the infection is MRSA on Friday. I may have missed my calling because I was rather fascinated with the gaping hole when I changed his bandage tonight. Oddly enough, I can't wait to change it again.

Mandi started school this week. She is going back to school for nursing and I am so proud of her. I know she will enjoy it if she can get past the heebie jeebies!

Danielle tells me that she and the roommates called a house meeting. Finally! But it seems that all of the issues were all directed at Danielle. I am not sure if she is projecting or if she is really offending the other three so badly. Whatever the case may be I hope that things work themselves out soon.

The kids have a four day weekend so I am hoping that I start feeling better before Friday.