Boring! The past couple of days have been ho-hum! I do have some behind the scenes drama going on. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to divulge! Doing the same thing day in and day out is beginning to wear me down. I am still not sleeping well and I have been a bit scatter brained today. I made homemade pepperoni pizza for dinner. It was pretty darn good. I picked up Danielle from work and we went to the grocery. The purpose was to get items for Alex's lunch tomorrow as he has a field trip. I need not go to the grocery or any other store for that matter when I am manic. I make stupid purchases that are almost always in the form of a million calories.
So of course, I am going to gab about the news. You guys know I love the news. First off, I watch Fox News in the morning. I don't watch it for the hot weather guy. He is never right. That is the only occupation in which you can be completely wrong all of the time and not lose your job. Mandi met him on the River boating with friends...she claims he is a real jerk.
What in the world was on the woman's mind that called in her own kidnapping? The news reports say she claimed that she was in an accident then kidnapped by the people in the other vehicle. The expert panel on HLN took issue with her statement that it was two black males. While I can't fathom lying about me and my child being kidnapped so I can whisk away to Disney, furthermore fabricating the appearance of the alleged kidnappers. I have to guess the first thing that popped into her twisted head was not "I have been kidnapped by two white executives". Stupid girls like this is the reason that black people want to beat the crap out of white people and I don't blame them!
Then there's the woman who threw her two children off of the bridge. What must be wrong in your life to justify harming your children in any way. Let alone something so dramatic and headline grabbing as tossing your tots over the railing into the raging waters below. Crazy Bitches!
I haven't heard much in the way of OctoMom lately but that Kate and Jon ,they sure make for an interesting story. I have never watched their reality show and to be quite honest it sounds rather boring. Until you add the infidelity. I understand their ratings shot through the roof with this first show of the season. I did purchase a People Magazine tonight just to read the latest about their scandal! Something to ponder...why are humans so drawn to tragedy? I for one would much rather watch a made for TV movie chock full of sex, lies and mystery than A Wedding Story.
To Be Continued.....
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Stepmonster, I Am Not Losing Sleep
It's been a few days since my last entry. Not that life has been extremely eventful or that I have been depressed or manic. I just haven't gotten around to writing. My days and nights are mixed up much like an infants. I do believe my medication at it's current dosage may be a losing its efficacy. Typically, the Seroquel that I take at bedtime will zonk me right out or at the very least make me dizzy forcing me to lay my head down on the pillow and dare not move it. Of course, unless I want to feel as if I am on a small fishing boat in the middle of the Pacific without any Dramamine. I have been having trouble falling asleep for weeks now but my actual schedule was turned upside down Saturday night. Staying asleep a completely different story.
Friday is not very noteworthy. The best I can remember I went to my mother-in-laws to clean in preparation for Debi Jo's upcoming visit. I watched meaningless TV all night, an update on the Casey Anthony case on Nancy Grace and The Idols on Larry King.
On Saturday, I did much of nothing until later in the evening when Mandi and I got all gussied up and headed out on the town! Beau had went fishing with Kevin and the girls spent the night with the cousins at Grandma Debbie's house. I drove to Mandi's house and from there we made our way to Angelo's. I suspect due to the Memorial Day weekend most people were out of town because the crowd was sparse. I had my usual cranberry and vodka and after one decided that I would move on to the hard stuff....coffee! Despite having a good time talking with people that I haven't seen in a while and people that I just met I could not stop yawning. I ended up drinking a whole pot before we left. Pat, the Bartender, set me up with an actual coffee mug. So for hours I am toting this cup back and forth between the karaoke bar and the smoking patio. I am sure I looked like a Grade A Dork! Mandi kept me out until after 3:00am. Two cars were hit near the front entrance. Thankfully, not ours and from my understanding no one was hurt. When we finally made it home I tried to sleep. I hopped into bed after checking my Facebook account and was aggravated by my snoring Husband. I decided to get on the loveseat. Mandi was on the sofa snoring even louder than Beau. By this time, it was nearly 5:00am. I tried laying in my bed again and now not only is that dreadful noise coming from the holes in Beau's head but the happy, stupid birds began to tweet. Oh for the Love of God, I really need earplugs! The last time I looked at the clock it was 5:38. I slept until 2:00 in the afternoon.
Some drama worth mentioning. Danielle has not talked to her father in two years. The disintegration of their relationship is rather complicated. I will try to make a long story short. Of course, I could write an entire book of how badly Dani's Stepmother has treated her over the years but I will respect someones privacy by not sharing. Danielle is so bitter that she was so belittled by this woman and her father is too blind to see it and this woman would certainly be embarrassed if people really knew how immature, petty and under-handed she is! Danielle is angry with her Dad because he is an adult, he should be her protector and he fell short. He chooses his wife over her in all situations and betrays Dani's confidence. Basically, they have cut each other out of their lives. The breakdown was mutual. I recently found out that he and the Stepmonster have separated. Stepmonster. That is what I call her. I called to invite him to Danielle's Graduation on the condition that they were separated. Stepmonster gave clear instruction to my sister that I should not send an invitation to him or anyone in his family. He thanked me for extending the invitation but mostly he wanted to know how I knew that they were separated and he began to name names of people who may have told me. However, even though I know these people he was "accusing" they are not how I found out. The rumor mill is larger than one might think. We will see if he values his relationship with his daughter. This situation angers me on so many levels. As a mother, I cannot fathom how he would not instinctively take his child's side no matter what the issue. As a woman, how he can be so cowardly to let someone dictate the type of relationship he has with anyone. And as someone that once knew him, to see him go from a generous, caring person to this selfish, shallow person that he has allowed himself to become. Knowing what it feels like to not have a real father/daughter relationship I know that the two of them will most certainly regret any and all of the time they have lost.
Tomorrow is Field Day at the Elementary School. Haylee is extremely excited. This means I should have a fairly easy morning with her. Hooray for that!
Friday is not very noteworthy. The best I can remember I went to my mother-in-laws to clean in preparation for Debi Jo's upcoming visit. I watched meaningless TV all night, an update on the Casey Anthony case on Nancy Grace and The Idols on Larry King.
On Saturday, I did much of nothing until later in the evening when Mandi and I got all gussied up and headed out on the town! Beau had went fishing with Kevin and the girls spent the night with the cousins at Grandma Debbie's house. I drove to Mandi's house and from there we made our way to Angelo's. I suspect due to the Memorial Day weekend most people were out of town because the crowd was sparse. I had my usual cranberry and vodka and after one decided that I would move on to the hard stuff....coffee! Despite having a good time talking with people that I haven't seen in a while and people that I just met I could not stop yawning. I ended up drinking a whole pot before we left. Pat, the Bartender, set me up with an actual coffee mug. So for hours I am toting this cup back and forth between the karaoke bar and the smoking patio. I am sure I looked like a Grade A Dork! Mandi kept me out until after 3:00am. Two cars were hit near the front entrance. Thankfully, not ours and from my understanding no one was hurt. When we finally made it home I tried to sleep. I hopped into bed after checking my Facebook account and was aggravated by my snoring Husband. I decided to get on the loveseat. Mandi was on the sofa snoring even louder than Beau. By this time, it was nearly 5:00am. I tried laying in my bed again and now not only is that dreadful noise coming from the holes in Beau's head but the happy, stupid birds began to tweet. Oh for the Love of God, I really need earplugs! The last time I looked at the clock it was 5:38. I slept until 2:00 in the afternoon.
Some drama worth mentioning. Danielle has not talked to her father in two years. The disintegration of their relationship is rather complicated. I will try to make a long story short. Of course, I could write an entire book of how badly Dani's Stepmother has treated her over the years but I will respect someones privacy by not sharing. Danielle is so bitter that she was so belittled by this woman and her father is too blind to see it and this woman would certainly be embarrassed if people really knew how immature, petty and under-handed she is! Danielle is angry with her Dad because he is an adult, he should be her protector and he fell short. He chooses his wife over her in all situations and betrays Dani's confidence. Basically, they have cut each other out of their lives. The breakdown was mutual. I recently found out that he and the Stepmonster have separated. Stepmonster. That is what I call her. I called to invite him to Danielle's Graduation on the condition that they were separated. Stepmonster gave clear instruction to my sister that I should not send an invitation to him or anyone in his family. He thanked me for extending the invitation but mostly he wanted to know how I knew that they were separated and he began to name names of people who may have told me. However, even though I know these people he was "accusing" they are not how I found out. The rumor mill is larger than one might think. We will see if he values his relationship with his daughter. This situation angers me on so many levels. As a mother, I cannot fathom how he would not instinctively take his child's side no matter what the issue. As a woman, how he can be so cowardly to let someone dictate the type of relationship he has with anyone. And as someone that once knew him, to see him go from a generous, caring person to this selfish, shallow person that he has allowed himself to become. Knowing what it feels like to not have a real father/daughter relationship I know that the two of them will most certainly regret any and all of the time they have lost.
Tomorrow is Field Day at the Elementary School. Haylee is extremely excited. This means I should have a fairly easy morning with her. Hooray for that!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Three Sickos
What a crazy day! I am pretty sure I flew into a full on mania somewhere between waking up and the six o'clock news!
The morning started the same as every other day...the usual showdown. In this corner Haylee SassyPants Flores weighing in at 45 pounds and in this corner Mom BoutFedUp Flores weighing in at significantly more!
I was going to clean my mother-in-laws house today to get ready for the weekend visit from Debi Jo, Ted, Theo and Gabe. I called to let her know what time I was going to be over and she told me that she had three of the kids home sick from school. Ivory was running a fever so I thought it better to swing by tomorrow.
Danielle sent me a text around noon time asking if I could bring her some Ibuprofen to school. When we were watching TV last night she said her ear "popped" and it was really hurting her. Today she woke up strangling on her own blood. Apparently, sometime right before she woke up she had a really bad nosebleed. She managed to get it to stop and went on to school. I figured this is what happened when I walked into the bathroom this morning and the trash can looked like a crime scene. She had a total of three more nose bleeds at school. I took her to the ER because I was afraid that it had something to do with her brain. She said the pain stopped after the nose bleed and then came back until the next nosebleed. She also said the top of her head felt hot and empty. If she weren't feeling so badly that would have been the perfect lead in for a witty comment! She explained all this to the tech, Nurse and Doctor. The Nurse was baffled that I requested an X-ray and blamed the nosebleeds on allergies. She doesn't have allergies. Then stupidity at it's finest walked in. This doctor although I am sure he went to school for ten years and should be well educated reminded me more of "I'm not a doctor but I play one on TV". The conversation with him went as follows:
Dr.~Do you have allergies?
Dani~No
Dr.~Did you hit your nose?
Dani~No
Dr.~Did you blow your nose too hard?
Dani~No
Dr.~Did you pick your nose?
Dani~No
Dr.~Well, Hmm, then I don't know. I don't know what it is but you can try some saline solution nose spray. That might help.
What a Tard! He would be better suited in a practice where he can say, "It's viral, Co-pay please"!
I had a surprise visit today from a girl named Ami that I met two years ago at the hospital. She is bipolar as well but much farther over on the continuum. She was also a recovering addict. She made strange requests of me. She wanted me to be her sponsor. I don't even believe in the 12-step program. I think it is Hogwash! She showed up at my house unannounced all the time and she would call constantly. I started to think she may have some kind of twisted crush on me. She was exhausting so I terminated the friendship. After I did she left a few messages on my voicemail at different times. Once it was a suicide message of sorts. So anyway, she stood at my doorstep and asked if I remembered her (secretly, I was worried she might pull a blade). I told her yes, invited her in and told her in no uncertain terms can I listen to her talk about how "sick" she is all the time and I can't be her sponsor or anything like that! We traded phone numbers and miraculously she has not called me yet.
When I talked to Mandi tonight she told me to slow down. My brain is zipping all over the place.
The morning started the same as every other day...the usual showdown. In this corner Haylee SassyPants Flores weighing in at 45 pounds and in this corner Mom BoutFedUp Flores weighing in at significantly more!
I was going to clean my mother-in-laws house today to get ready for the weekend visit from Debi Jo, Ted, Theo and Gabe. I called to let her know what time I was going to be over and she told me that she had three of the kids home sick from school. Ivory was running a fever so I thought it better to swing by tomorrow.
Danielle sent me a text around noon time asking if I could bring her some Ibuprofen to school. When we were watching TV last night she said her ear "popped" and it was really hurting her. Today she woke up strangling on her own blood. Apparently, sometime right before she woke up she had a really bad nosebleed. She managed to get it to stop and went on to school. I figured this is what happened when I walked into the bathroom this morning and the trash can looked like a crime scene. She had a total of three more nose bleeds at school. I took her to the ER because I was afraid that it had something to do with her brain. She said the pain stopped after the nose bleed and then came back until the next nosebleed. She also said the top of her head felt hot and empty. If she weren't feeling so badly that would have been the perfect lead in for a witty comment! She explained all this to the tech, Nurse and Doctor. The Nurse was baffled that I requested an X-ray and blamed the nosebleeds on allergies. She doesn't have allergies. Then stupidity at it's finest walked in. This doctor although I am sure he went to school for ten years and should be well educated reminded me more of "I'm not a doctor but I play one on TV". The conversation with him went as follows:
Dr.~Do you have allergies?
Dani~No
Dr.~Did you hit your nose?
Dani~No
Dr.~Did you blow your nose too hard?
Dani~No
Dr.~Did you pick your nose?
Dani~No
Dr.~Well, Hmm, then I don't know. I don't know what it is but you can try some saline solution nose spray. That might help.
What a Tard! He would be better suited in a practice where he can say, "It's viral, Co-pay please"!
I had a surprise visit today from a girl named Ami that I met two years ago at the hospital. She is bipolar as well but much farther over on the continuum. She was also a recovering addict. She made strange requests of me. She wanted me to be her sponsor. I don't even believe in the 12-step program. I think it is Hogwash! She showed up at my house unannounced all the time and she would call constantly. I started to think she may have some kind of twisted crush on me. She was exhausting so I terminated the friendship. After I did she left a few messages on my voicemail at different times. Once it was a suicide message of sorts. So anyway, she stood at my doorstep and asked if I remembered her (secretly, I was worried she might pull a blade). I told her yes, invited her in and told her in no uncertain terms can I listen to her talk about how "sick" she is all the time and I can't be her sponsor or anything like that! We traded phone numbers and miraculously she has not called me yet.
When I talked to Mandi tonight she told me to slow down. My brain is zipping all over the place.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Stupid Boys
What a long, eventful day.
I started out this morning with my usual Haylee vs. Mom battle. She never wants to eat breakfast. I know I mentioned this before but she is going to whither away to nothing. She is the only one of my four children that does not appreciate a meal. When I say appreciate I mean LOVE! On to the wardrobe altercation. I am really starting to look forward to summer vacation. Then at least she can wear whatever she wants. Not the commune garb that JCPS schools require. I wonder if they serve Kool-Aid at lunch?
Danielle decided that she was not going to go to school today, instead she would clean her room. She was supposed to do it last night since she was off work but chose to go to the movies with Lauren. I have been asking her for over a month now to do it and I guess now that she thinks she is eighteen the old rules do not apply. She is grounded for a week. I suspect reality will set in come the weekend!
Avery and I traveled to the bank to make the truck payment and then grocery shopping. I thought Beau was going to set it up on BillPay but I guess not! I put the eggs in the front of the cart next to Avery and she cracked one in the carton. She said the basket did it...not her! I came home made tacos for dinner. They were yummy. I suppose this type of dinner is the reason for my ever-widening ass!
Avery and I went for our monthly haircut. Actually, it has been over six weeks so we were both due! Avery in a past life must have been a royal princess. She loves to get her hair washed. She loves to be pampered. She just lays back and enjoys it. She even asks for it. Jesse always comments on how well behaved she is compared to some kids.
We watched the American Idol finale tonight. It was incredible. I really want to trade my Def Leppard/Poison tickets in for the Idol Tour tickets! I was concerned about the Michael Sarver, Crazy Booby Dancer diddy with Steve Martin. I felt like I should have been on the porch with my hound dog, Bobbie Sue chuggin' shine!
Beau and I argued. I have been a little on edge today. His naivety is astounding. I saw a post on his Facebook page that read, "Thanks so much for the compliment =)". When I asked him what that was in response to he struggled to come up with an answer and as he deleted his original comment to Missy something or another I thought he owed me an explanation. He finally decided to confess and told me that he deleted it because after he typed it he realized it might be inappropriate. What he meant was that it might be inappropriate for a married man to comment on a younger woman's understated beauty (he said someone had said she was pretty and his comment "that's an understatement" followed in the thread) and think that, I don't know, maybe his wife may see it!! I am not sure if I am being irrational but you must know as wonderful and caring and generous as my husband is. He doesn't understand boundaries and falls in love in the first five minutes. He doesn't know the difference between being friendly and being flirty. You know those guys. The ones that think they are so charming but in reality, if their advances are unwanted then they are just plain annoying. Oh, I hope he snores tonight!! It will be on like a pot of neckbones!
In other news, I think I may have had a mini stoke or something. My right hand has been numb for three days and my right foot was numb today as well.
Hopefully, I will not have to berate anyone tomorrow.
I started out this morning with my usual Haylee vs. Mom battle. She never wants to eat breakfast. I know I mentioned this before but she is going to whither away to nothing. She is the only one of my four children that does not appreciate a meal. When I say appreciate I mean LOVE! On to the wardrobe altercation. I am really starting to look forward to summer vacation. Then at least she can wear whatever she wants. Not the commune garb that JCPS schools require. I wonder if they serve Kool-Aid at lunch?
Danielle decided that she was not going to go to school today, instead she would clean her room. She was supposed to do it last night since she was off work but chose to go to the movies with Lauren. I have been asking her for over a month now to do it and I guess now that she thinks she is eighteen the old rules do not apply. She is grounded for a week. I suspect reality will set in come the weekend!
Avery and I traveled to the bank to make the truck payment and then grocery shopping. I thought Beau was going to set it up on BillPay but I guess not! I put the eggs in the front of the cart next to Avery and she cracked one in the carton. She said the basket did it...not her! I came home made tacos for dinner. They were yummy. I suppose this type of dinner is the reason for my ever-widening ass!
Avery and I went for our monthly haircut. Actually, it has been over six weeks so we were both due! Avery in a past life must have been a royal princess. She loves to get her hair washed. She loves to be pampered. She just lays back and enjoys it. She even asks for it. Jesse always comments on how well behaved she is compared to some kids.
We watched the American Idol finale tonight. It was incredible. I really want to trade my Def Leppard/Poison tickets in for the Idol Tour tickets! I was concerned about the Michael Sarver, Crazy Booby Dancer diddy with Steve Martin. I felt like I should have been on the porch with my hound dog, Bobbie Sue chuggin' shine!
Beau and I argued. I have been a little on edge today. His naivety is astounding. I saw a post on his Facebook page that read, "Thanks so much for the compliment =)". When I asked him what that was in response to he struggled to come up with an answer and as he deleted his original comment to Missy something or another I thought he owed me an explanation. He finally decided to confess and told me that he deleted it because after he typed it he realized it might be inappropriate. What he meant was that it might be inappropriate for a married man to comment on a younger woman's understated beauty (he said someone had said she was pretty and his comment "that's an understatement" followed in the thread) and think that, I don't know, maybe his wife may see it!! I am not sure if I am being irrational but you must know as wonderful and caring and generous as my husband is. He doesn't understand boundaries and falls in love in the first five minutes. He doesn't know the difference between being friendly and being flirty. You know those guys. The ones that think they are so charming but in reality, if their advances are unwanted then they are just plain annoying. Oh, I hope he snores tonight!! It will be on like a pot of neckbones!
In other news, I think I may have had a mini stoke or something. My right hand has been numb for three days and my right foot was numb today as well.
Hopefully, I will not have to berate anyone tomorrow.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Crazy, Funny, Unbelievable
Oh, Happy Day! Not much to report on the home front. I didn't go to bed until after 4:00am last night and once I was in the bed I could not coax Beau into not snoring no matter what I tried. At 4:35 I gave up and went down to the couch. I swear when he snores I can feel the blood pumping in my veins. I ended up falling asleep somewhere around 5:00 and woke up a few minutes after 7:00 to get Haylee ready for school. Thankfully, Avery fell asleep watching Dora so I had an additional two and a half hours of shut eye.
I was supposed to pack away our winter clothes today. I started pulling sweaters and such out of the closet last night and currently have a huge pile of Beau's and my winter clothes in the corner in my bedroom. Tonight is not a good TV night so I will probably tend to this later.
I made my first ever Western Union transaction today. I must say I didn't really trust the teenager working the service counter at Valu-Market. I have a fear that my money will not go where it is supposed to go. I guess I am old fashioned that way.
I realized something today. I have been inundating you (and myself) with sob stories lately. So I have thought about some of my favorite memories and would like to share.
First, I will share how I met my Husband. It's funny, really. In the late nineties I was addicted to AOL, the Louisville Over 30 (I was only 25 at the time) chat room in particular. Beau was in the chat room one night in November as KyBeau11457. I started up a conversation with him thinking he was an old fart that just happened to have the same Birthday as me, November 4. We began talking and over a course of a couple of months we tried to meet up several times to no avail. At the time, I would frequent the lounge at the Breckinridge Inn. Unbeknownst to me at the time for the month prior to actually meeting him he had been "stalking" me. Every weekend he would go there, sit on the wall and watch me dance, (that should have scared him off for sure) mingle and down shots of Hot Damn! One night during an instant messaging session with him he described my outfit and actions down to a tee from the previous weekend. We finally met on Valentine's Day. I was at the lounge and pretty intoxicated when he walked up to me and just stood in front of me waiting for a reaction. Little did he know that I had no clue what he looked like. He sent a jpeg file to me months earlier and I was too embarrassed to tell him that the dinosaur that I called a computer could not handle downloading it. I attempted it several times and it either took too long and interfered with some IM conversations that I had going or it would completely shut the machine down. So anyway, he tells me his name after I stare in awkward silence and thinking all the while "who the hell are you, and why are you standing in my view?"! I immediately did this little twirl dance as If I were just crowned Ms. USA! Probably not my proudest moment but my friend Pat told me it was pretty darn funny!
It was love at first sight! Another funny thing. The guy that sold us my wedding band looked just like James Brown! I feel Good!
Mandi and I lived together after I separated from my ex-husband. Mandi is six years younger than me. She had lived with me since she was about 13 off and on, mostly on. One night she comes home after a late night of partying. She was crying and screaming as she ran in the door. "The por-ku-pine is going to get me, the por-ku-pine is in the driveway and it is going to get me"! Apparently, she had knocked back one too many. I think she was delusional but I remember laughing so hard that I nearly peed my pants. I don't even think we have porcupines in these parts! I used to take her with me to the lounge and we would dance and drink and laugh until the bar closed. Our friend Bonnie tended bar there and every first of the month she would give us our drinks for free and wrap them in a napkin that read, "Rent's Due"!
Me and my ex-sister-in-law, Crystal and I used to be really close. We were pretty close in age and we both witnessed each other giving birth. One night we decided to cruise Portland. We landed up with my little brother, Charlee, at his friend Denny's house. They were all just hanging out, talking and listening to music. Someone had a bad sunburn but it escapes me who it was at the moment. Crystal was saying that they should try eucalyptus and Charlee having a slight crush on her at the time (at least I think he did) spouted off, "Youcanlipthis if you want to"! In case you wonder, humor is genetic!
My friend, Charlyn and I, who is the same age as my older sister Cherie, used to run around the neighborhood when I was a teenager. She knew everything about my life, my real life. She was also old enough to buy beer! Once, we decided to take a walk down by the Ohio River, we walked and walked and decided we would venture up the hill near the observatory by the McAlpine Locks. We were halfway through the field when were attacked by crickets...hundreds and thousands of crickets jumping on our legs and up our shorts as we ran. I have never ran so fast or been so grossed out. I still hate crickets to this day!
Another story involving Charlyn and when I tell you this you must know that people in Portland, the neighborhood where I grew up, are not like any other people I have ever met. They live differently or they did back then. Charlyn and I started out drinking in the cemetery. We moved on to her ex's house where we played cards with him and his teenage son. We left there and didn't have anywhere to go. Being the late hour that it was we could not safely sneak back into my house without my dad knowing about it. So she says, "we can go to Steve's and crash there". Little did I know the craziness that I was about to experience. First off, we broke in as no one was home. When I say broke in I mean Charlyn reached her hand through the cardboard door and unlocked it. Not really sure to this day the purpose of the lock! We proceeded to walk through the house...a very old, large house. In the middle of what should have been the dining room was a huge hole. Larger than your typical bonfire. You could see straight down to the dark cellar below. Obviously, I was drunk! Otherwise, I would have never agreed to lay my head down in that place! It gets worse. I proceeded to go to the bathroom which was filthy. It makes me cringe just thinking about it and what is in the bathtub...a turtle! Charlyn and I ended up laying end to end in a twin bed in a room right off of the bathroom. We were awakened by something, it was a woman mumbling in an accent or tone I had never heard before. She was saying, "Do you want to be my friend?" over and over again standing directly over me while I was trying to pretend to be asleep and kicking Charlyn in the leg repeatedly. I needed her to wake up STAT and get me out of there! After we left I realized who it was. "Tudlu edda". Her name was Louedda and it was known around the neighborhood that she sniffed glue and she was so strung out on it that she was out of touch with reality and lost her ability to speak without slurring. OK, I admit that is sad but definitely memorable!
One last incident. About a year and a half ago, after I was diagnosed and before I was properly medicated, things just fell out of my mouth. I offended many people. I had just watched the Mary Kay Laturneau story on Lifetime. The story of the school teacher that had bedded her student. I ran into Buffy, Beau's sister and was telling her about it and decided it was necessary somehow to make sure that I warned her of the dangers, being a school teacher and all. I said, "I sure hope you don't go screwing your students"! Gee Whiz, verbal vomit at it's finest!
I hope you get a laugh from one or more of these anecdotes!
I was supposed to pack away our winter clothes today. I started pulling sweaters and such out of the closet last night and currently have a huge pile of Beau's and my winter clothes in the corner in my bedroom. Tonight is not a good TV night so I will probably tend to this later.
I made my first ever Western Union transaction today. I must say I didn't really trust the teenager working the service counter at Valu-Market. I have a fear that my money will not go where it is supposed to go. I guess I am old fashioned that way.
I realized something today. I have been inundating you (and myself) with sob stories lately. So I have thought about some of my favorite memories and would like to share.
First, I will share how I met my Husband. It's funny, really. In the late nineties I was addicted to AOL, the Louisville Over 30 (I was only 25 at the time) chat room in particular. Beau was in the chat room one night in November as KyBeau11457. I started up a conversation with him thinking he was an old fart that just happened to have the same Birthday as me, November 4. We began talking and over a course of a couple of months we tried to meet up several times to no avail. At the time, I would frequent the lounge at the Breckinridge Inn. Unbeknownst to me at the time for the month prior to actually meeting him he had been "stalking" me. Every weekend he would go there, sit on the wall and watch me dance, (that should have scared him off for sure) mingle and down shots of Hot Damn! One night during an instant messaging session with him he described my outfit and actions down to a tee from the previous weekend. We finally met on Valentine's Day. I was at the lounge and pretty intoxicated when he walked up to me and just stood in front of me waiting for a reaction. Little did he know that I had no clue what he looked like. He sent a jpeg file to me months earlier and I was too embarrassed to tell him that the dinosaur that I called a computer could not handle downloading it. I attempted it several times and it either took too long and interfered with some IM conversations that I had going or it would completely shut the machine down. So anyway, he tells me his name after I stare in awkward silence and thinking all the while "who the hell are you, and why are you standing in my view?"! I immediately did this little twirl dance as If I were just crowned Ms. USA! Probably not my proudest moment but my friend Pat told me it was pretty darn funny!
It was love at first sight! Another funny thing. The guy that sold us my wedding band looked just like James Brown! I feel Good!
Mandi and I lived together after I separated from my ex-husband. Mandi is six years younger than me. She had lived with me since she was about 13 off and on, mostly on. One night she comes home after a late night of partying. She was crying and screaming as she ran in the door. "The por-ku-pine is going to get me, the por-ku-pine is in the driveway and it is going to get me"! Apparently, she had knocked back one too many. I think she was delusional but I remember laughing so hard that I nearly peed my pants. I don't even think we have porcupines in these parts! I used to take her with me to the lounge and we would dance and drink and laugh until the bar closed. Our friend Bonnie tended bar there and every first of the month she would give us our drinks for free and wrap them in a napkin that read, "Rent's Due"!
Me and my ex-sister-in-law, Crystal and I used to be really close. We were pretty close in age and we both witnessed each other giving birth. One night we decided to cruise Portland. We landed up with my little brother, Charlee, at his friend Denny's house. They were all just hanging out, talking and listening to music. Someone had a bad sunburn but it escapes me who it was at the moment. Crystal was saying that they should try eucalyptus and Charlee having a slight crush on her at the time (at least I think he did) spouted off, "Youcanlipthis if you want to"! In case you wonder, humor is genetic!
My friend, Charlyn and I, who is the same age as my older sister Cherie, used to run around the neighborhood when I was a teenager. She knew everything about my life, my real life. She was also old enough to buy beer! Once, we decided to take a walk down by the Ohio River, we walked and walked and decided we would venture up the hill near the observatory by the McAlpine Locks. We were halfway through the field when were attacked by crickets...hundreds and thousands of crickets jumping on our legs and up our shorts as we ran. I have never ran so fast or been so grossed out. I still hate crickets to this day!
Another story involving Charlyn and when I tell you this you must know that people in Portland, the neighborhood where I grew up, are not like any other people I have ever met. They live differently or they did back then. Charlyn and I started out drinking in the cemetery. We moved on to her ex's house where we played cards with him and his teenage son. We left there and didn't have anywhere to go. Being the late hour that it was we could not safely sneak back into my house without my dad knowing about it. So she says, "we can go to Steve's and crash there". Little did I know the craziness that I was about to experience. First off, we broke in as no one was home. When I say broke in I mean Charlyn reached her hand through the cardboard door and unlocked it. Not really sure to this day the purpose of the lock! We proceeded to walk through the house...a very old, large house. In the middle of what should have been the dining room was a huge hole. Larger than your typical bonfire. You could see straight down to the dark cellar below. Obviously, I was drunk! Otherwise, I would have never agreed to lay my head down in that place! It gets worse. I proceeded to go to the bathroom which was filthy. It makes me cringe just thinking about it and what is in the bathtub...a turtle! Charlyn and I ended up laying end to end in a twin bed in a room right off of the bathroom. We were awakened by something, it was a woman mumbling in an accent or tone I had never heard before. She was saying, "Do you want to be my friend?" over and over again standing directly over me while I was trying to pretend to be asleep and kicking Charlyn in the leg repeatedly. I needed her to wake up STAT and get me out of there! After we left I realized who it was. "Tudlu edda". Her name was Louedda and it was known around the neighborhood that she sniffed glue and she was so strung out on it that she was out of touch with reality and lost her ability to speak without slurring. OK, I admit that is sad but definitely memorable!
One last incident. About a year and a half ago, after I was diagnosed and before I was properly medicated, things just fell out of my mouth. I offended many people. I had just watched the Mary Kay Laturneau story on Lifetime. The story of the school teacher that had bedded her student. I ran into Buffy, Beau's sister and was telling her about it and decided it was necessary somehow to make sure that I warned her of the dangers, being a school teacher and all. I said, "I sure hope you don't go screwing your students"! Gee Whiz, verbal vomit at it's finest!
I hope you get a laugh from one or more of these anecdotes!
Life Lessons 101
Today has been a good day emotionally. I have been quite chipper all day. Despite, the heartburn I had for hours from eating that bag of BBQ chips. I am not the least bit tired and it is currently 2:31am!
Most of the day was spent doing laundry. As usual, I had a blue zillion loads. Beau was fishing all day so it was just me and the kids here for much of the day. They were pretty well behaved and played outside for a long time with the neighbor kid, Sarah. I watched the Desperate Housewives finale and talked to Michael on Facebook for a while. We always have a comedic chat! There were some conversations of family and difficulties growing up. I firmly believe that everything that you go through you should learn from. You may not get the lesson right away but eventually you will and then use that knowledge to make you a stronger, better person.
I was reminded of how awful my childhood was and if I didn't know that my mood disorder was chemical I would have to believe that my upbringing was to blame!
Growing up my Dad was a horrible person. He was an alcoholic. No, correction he was a drunk! And a mean drunk at that. Most of the time. He also had a gambling addiction. Sometimes he won but mostly he lost big. In his world children were seen and not heard. You learned never to say anything and under no circumstances shall you have an opinion. I suspect this is why for most of my life I was someone's doormat. He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I don't think a lot of my friends knew this. I tried to hide it. I was ashamed of it. My mother was not our protector as you would think a mother would be. She was on the same level as us kids in his mind. Just another person to be controlled and bullied. She worked diligently to make sure that we never rocked the boat. Everyone was terrified of him and hated being at home when he was there. I remember once Mom took us to my Grandma's when I was probably about seven years old. We slept on a fold out couch. I don't know how long we were there I just know that we went back.
Dad was more violent with my older sister and brother than with me and my younger siblings. He fought with them all the time. My sister Cherie ran away all the time. She is ten years older than me and she used to take care of me, take me everywhere she went when I was little. I remember once a baby crying in the middle of the night and Dad kept hitting it and hitting it and it seemed he would never stop. It was Charlee, my little brother. I remember he was in a baby bed so he had to be under two years. This image is still as vivid as the night it happened. Some things you just can't get out of your head.
I probably had the best relationship, if you can call it that, with Dad. I was the quiet, overachiever. I worked very hard at always being under the radar. Once I did have an argument with him where I had to leave home for a couple of days. It was the day after my Junior Ring Ceremony. He came and sat in the audience, drunk. When it was my turn to walk up on stage he hooped and hollered! I was mortified. The next day, drunk again, he said something along the lines of you don't even love me. My reply was, "not when you embarrass me when you are drunk". Not the smartest thing to ever come out of my mouth. He hurled a glass vase full of flowers at my face. He missed. I ran out and went across the street to my best friend Dezi's house. After two days I called Mom and she gave me an ultimatum. She said, "Your Dad said if you don't come home now then don't come home". I went home.
Dad liked to constantly remind me probably from the time I started high school that I was a whore and all of my friends were whores and their mothers were whores. The funny thing is I was a virgin until I was seventeen. I was criticized for everything from my grades to if I was wearing a ponytail. There was never any pleasing him. And to make matters worse he was very hot cold! You never knew what kind of day it was going to be. Was he just going to watch TV until he passed out or should we put on our body armour.
I did become pregnant the summer after I graduated High School. No one knew in my family. I was six months pregnant when I moved out. I moved out in fifteen minutes while my Dad drove my Mom to work. They didn't know I was leaving. I was so afraid that Dad would have killed me when he found out I was pregnant and I wasn't willing to take that chance. I regret that I left Mom in that situation to clean up the mess I had made. She never really went into how bad it really was when I left but I suspect that it was pretty bad.
There were many years in my adult life when I did not have contact with him. Because of it I had to sneak to see my Mom and she had to sneak to see her Grandchildren.
This is just the tip of the iceberg but it gives you an idea of what growing up with an alcoholic parent can be like. The story does have a happy ending though. God put him down for seven years before he died. He had diabetes and became bed ridden. He stopped drinking. He started listening and he stopped controlling. The fear was finally gone.
The lesson....love is not mean, fear is not respect and Karma's a bitch!
Most of the day was spent doing laundry. As usual, I had a blue zillion loads. Beau was fishing all day so it was just me and the kids here for much of the day. They were pretty well behaved and played outside for a long time with the neighbor kid, Sarah. I watched the Desperate Housewives finale and talked to Michael on Facebook for a while. We always have a comedic chat! There were some conversations of family and difficulties growing up. I firmly believe that everything that you go through you should learn from. You may not get the lesson right away but eventually you will and then use that knowledge to make you a stronger, better person.
I was reminded of how awful my childhood was and if I didn't know that my mood disorder was chemical I would have to believe that my upbringing was to blame!
Growing up my Dad was a horrible person. He was an alcoholic. No, correction he was a drunk! And a mean drunk at that. Most of the time. He also had a gambling addiction. Sometimes he won but mostly he lost big. In his world children were seen and not heard. You learned never to say anything and under no circumstances shall you have an opinion. I suspect this is why for most of my life I was someone's doormat. He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I don't think a lot of my friends knew this. I tried to hide it. I was ashamed of it. My mother was not our protector as you would think a mother would be. She was on the same level as us kids in his mind. Just another person to be controlled and bullied. She worked diligently to make sure that we never rocked the boat. Everyone was terrified of him and hated being at home when he was there. I remember once Mom took us to my Grandma's when I was probably about seven years old. We slept on a fold out couch. I don't know how long we were there I just know that we went back.
Dad was more violent with my older sister and brother than with me and my younger siblings. He fought with them all the time. My sister Cherie ran away all the time. She is ten years older than me and she used to take care of me, take me everywhere she went when I was little. I remember once a baby crying in the middle of the night and Dad kept hitting it and hitting it and it seemed he would never stop. It was Charlee, my little brother. I remember he was in a baby bed so he had to be under two years. This image is still as vivid as the night it happened. Some things you just can't get out of your head.
I probably had the best relationship, if you can call it that, with Dad. I was the quiet, overachiever. I worked very hard at always being under the radar. Once I did have an argument with him where I had to leave home for a couple of days. It was the day after my Junior Ring Ceremony. He came and sat in the audience, drunk. When it was my turn to walk up on stage he hooped and hollered! I was mortified. The next day, drunk again, he said something along the lines of you don't even love me. My reply was, "not when you embarrass me when you are drunk". Not the smartest thing to ever come out of my mouth. He hurled a glass vase full of flowers at my face. He missed. I ran out and went across the street to my best friend Dezi's house. After two days I called Mom and she gave me an ultimatum. She said, "Your Dad said if you don't come home now then don't come home". I went home.
Dad liked to constantly remind me probably from the time I started high school that I was a whore and all of my friends were whores and their mothers were whores. The funny thing is I was a virgin until I was seventeen. I was criticized for everything from my grades to if I was wearing a ponytail. There was never any pleasing him. And to make matters worse he was very hot cold! You never knew what kind of day it was going to be. Was he just going to watch TV until he passed out or should we put on our body armour.
I did become pregnant the summer after I graduated High School. No one knew in my family. I was six months pregnant when I moved out. I moved out in fifteen minutes while my Dad drove my Mom to work. They didn't know I was leaving. I was so afraid that Dad would have killed me when he found out I was pregnant and I wasn't willing to take that chance. I regret that I left Mom in that situation to clean up the mess I had made. She never really went into how bad it really was when I left but I suspect that it was pretty bad.
There were many years in my adult life when I did not have contact with him. Because of it I had to sneak to see my Mom and she had to sneak to see her Grandchildren.
This is just the tip of the iceberg but it gives you an idea of what growing up with an alcoholic parent can be like. The story does have a happy ending though. God put him down for seven years before he died. He had diabetes and became bed ridden. He stopped drinking. He started listening and he stopped controlling. The fear was finally gone.
The lesson....love is not mean, fear is not respect and Karma's a bitch!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Looking Good and Writing Better!
A slow start turned to busy, busy, busy! This morning Avery and I fell back to sleep after dropping Haylee off to school. I am thankful that she did. Sometimes she will, other times she will stay up. I didn't go to sleep until after 3:30am. I couldn't sleep and once I did finally go lay down Beau was snoring so loudly! His snore is a variation of a snore and a hum. It makes my skin crawl and my heart race. I usually start out with a slight nudge and end up kicking him in his leg with all my might to get him to stop. It is dangerous to sleep with me!
Today is Danielle's Senior Prom so I had a full house. Danielle, Lauren and Sarah came over to get ready here. Mandi came to assist with the getting ready process and all that entails. She brought reinforcements in the form of gel, hairspray and an extra curling iron. I curled Lauren's hair and fastened it to the side with a bobby pin hidden by more bouncy curls. Mandi curled Danielle's hair, pulled it up in the front and attached a go-go dancer type flower in the back. Sarah did her own hair and makeup. The girls looked absolutely fabulous and made me wish I had somewhere to go where I could get all gussied up. Maybe 1990? Flux capacitor, anyone? Lauren's Mom came over to witness the beautifying stage. Turns out she went to Manual too, but graduated ten years prior to me graduating. The dates showed up and then Lauren's Dad. It seems no one in the house had any expertise in pinning a corsage on a lapel. I poked my finger! We took pictures, prayed the humidity would not destroy the hours of curling and spraying and watched the kiddos drive down the road.
A half hour later we had the biggest downpour! Danielle called and wanted umbrellas. Mandi and I drove to the other end of town to the restaurant where the kids had reservations. By the time we finally arrived the sun was shining and there was no evidence except a puddle here and there that it had ever rained. We gave them the umbrellas just in case and drove to pick up pizza for dinner. We also picked up a bottle of blue raspberry rum, pineapple juice and a Sprite. However, after we ate we didn't feel much like sampling the new concoction! Mandi went home and took Haylee with her. The rest of the night has been pretty quiet. Beau's friend Daniel, we call him by his last name, Gish stopped by. He may have been a bit intoxicated because he is currently sleeping on my couch. Did I ever mention that I am very hospitable?
As I have said before I have the best husband (aside from the snoring and the ugly fucking boat). He called me today and told me he had a present for me. Indeed he did! He said before you open it I have to tell you something about it. It's a book (so much for the surprise) the author is a great writer and I think you can relate to it. I opened his gift and it was my blog entries, printed and bound. That is probably the sweetest gift I have ever received from anyone, Ever! He knows that my dream is to one day write a book. I just don't know where to start and how to organize it. It is much different than keeping a daily journal.
Today is Danielle's Senior Prom so I had a full house. Danielle, Lauren and Sarah came over to get ready here. Mandi came to assist with the getting ready process and all that entails. She brought reinforcements in the form of gel, hairspray and an extra curling iron. I curled Lauren's hair and fastened it to the side with a bobby pin hidden by more bouncy curls. Mandi curled Danielle's hair, pulled it up in the front and attached a go-go dancer type flower in the back. Sarah did her own hair and makeup. The girls looked absolutely fabulous and made me wish I had somewhere to go where I could get all gussied up. Maybe 1990? Flux capacitor, anyone? Lauren's Mom came over to witness the beautifying stage. Turns out she went to Manual too, but graduated ten years prior to me graduating. The dates showed up and then Lauren's Dad. It seems no one in the house had any expertise in pinning a corsage on a lapel. I poked my finger! We took pictures, prayed the humidity would not destroy the hours of curling and spraying and watched the kiddos drive down the road.
A half hour later we had the biggest downpour! Danielle called and wanted umbrellas. Mandi and I drove to the other end of town to the restaurant where the kids had reservations. By the time we finally arrived the sun was shining and there was no evidence except a puddle here and there that it had ever rained. We gave them the umbrellas just in case and drove to pick up pizza for dinner. We also picked up a bottle of blue raspberry rum, pineapple juice and a Sprite. However, after we ate we didn't feel much like sampling the new concoction! Mandi went home and took Haylee with her. The rest of the night has been pretty quiet. Beau's friend Daniel, we call him by his last name, Gish stopped by. He may have been a bit intoxicated because he is currently sleeping on my couch. Did I ever mention that I am very hospitable?
As I have said before I have the best husband (aside from the snoring and the ugly fucking boat). He called me today and told me he had a present for me. Indeed he did! He said before you open it I have to tell you something about it. It's a book (so much for the surprise) the author is a great writer and I think you can relate to it. I opened his gift and it was my blog entries, printed and bound. That is probably the sweetest gift I have ever received from anyone, Ever! He knows that my dream is to one day write a book. I just don't know where to start and how to organize it. It is much different than keeping a daily journal.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
How I Got Here
Today has been a hard day. I have cried so many times today. Starting at therapy. I haven't been in about six weeks and that is where I unload. So I have been pretty much keeping everything bottled for that long. I think people think therapy is something shameful, taboo even. But that is not the case. You probably know people you would never guess that go to therapy. It is nice to be able to talk to someone with an objective opinion, nothing vested in the relationship. As long as you know the purpose for which you go it will help you. A lot of people think if they go to therapy they are guaranteed a "fix" for whatever their issue is. I don't think this is the case either. Someone else can't "fix" you. I go to dump! It is the one place I can say all the things I need to say without hurting someones feelings.
Then I cried over my stray cat which was slightly injured by my husband's engine. Apparently, Porch Cat decided to crawl under the hood of Beau's truck and when he started the truck he immediately heard a sound that was not quite right and turned off the engine. She is limping a little and her face is a little swollen but other than that the vet says the wounds are superficial. I didn't realize I liked that animal as much as I do.
Danielle and I had a minor argument tonight. She wanted me to color Lauren's hair and I just didn't feel like it. Danielle is sometimes like a five year old when she doesn't get her way. I just don't have the energy to battle her and she insists on a battle every time I don't feel like doing something for her. When things are going her way everything is sunshine and puppies.
I was devastated over the Grey's Anatomy finale. George cannot die. I should never watch shows like that when I am already emotionally charged!
I talked to an old friend last week and Michael expressed interest in how I got to where I am. In other words what happened to lead me to my diagnosis. I explained a little but it really is a long, long story. He said I should mention it in my blog and I think today is as good day as any to do just that. It was a very hard road to get to where I am today and even though I am not happy lately, I am grateful that I am not depressed. It is a horrible state of mind and it is physically taxing. If you take anything away from this I hope it will be that whatever bad you may encounter in life, it will always turn around and that knowledge is power!
I am purposely leaving out details of how these five months affected my relationships with family members. One, I don't like to dwell on it and two it helps me in no way to resent them for their reactions. I will say I had to deal with nonstop comments like, she's a fucking loon, buck up and get back on the horse and maybe she's just lazy.
In January of 2007 I became very depressed and it wasn't over any one particular thing. It was just a sadness and fatigue not prompted by anything happening in my life at the time. I had a good friend that urged me to go see a doctor. I didn't really want to. Partly, because every winter I get depressed and bounce back and partly because my OB/GYN put me on Zoloft when I was pregnant with Avery and it made me even more depressed. At her insistence I went to my Primary Doc where he put me on a low dose of Effexor. It didn't seem to make a difference and after two weeks of crying and sleeping, sleeping and crying he increased the dose. I felt that immediately. My heart raced, I was sweating profusely and all of my senses were heightened. I could hear noises humans should not be able to hear. Clocks ticking, people breathing from five feet away. Also, my anxiety shot through the roof. I felt so angry. I stopped taking it immediately. I now know that people with Bipolar Disorder should not be on an anti-depressant without a mood stabilizer as it can send them into a mania. This is what aggravated my mood disorder to "the surface". I have always had it, it was just never bad enough to disrupt my life.
Still depressed, my friend suggested I go to see the person that she sees. I saw a nurse practitioner in a prestigious Psychiatry Office in the East End. She took my medical and family history and had me answer questions regarding my mood. She diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. She sent me home with some samples of Lamictal. I had an allergic reaction. My bottom lip and chin swelled and itched like crazy. So I was back at her office where she signed out more samples. This time Risperdal. At the time, I didn't have the knowledge that I have now about different medications, dosing and such. She gave me the milligrams that you would give a small dog. So needless to say, this didn't work either. She increased this several more times before she took me off this and started me on Seroquel. She warned me to lock it up and don't let anyone know that I had it because it had a street value. I thought it was an odd warning but wouldn't understand it until much later. Mind you, this was all in a three week period. I should have known something was not right with her when each time I seen her her eyes were glazed and her speech was muddled. But I was desperate, desperate to stop crying, desperate to be happy. The next time I seen her she "fired me"! I cannot even now explain how that made me feel. Was I that far gone? She recommended that I go to Ten Broeck. So I did. They did an evaluation and offered group therapy. At this point, I didn't know much but I knew that whatever was wrong with me was chemical. It was not environmental. So I declined that plan. I called multiple psychiatry practices in Louisville and was told each time that they did not accept commercial insurance. They only accepted Medicare and Medicaid. Each practice referred me to Ten Broeck or Our Lady of Peace. Another setback in my road to recovery. Later, I tried to retrieve my medical records from this practice and it took them weeks as the nurse practitioner had "left" and no one knew where she went. At the time, I thought she must have been in treatment herself. Now, I firmly believe that she was taking medications from the office for her own personal use and most likely incarcerated.
Back at home, laying on my couch staring through the TV, two friends visit to urge me to do something else. They had a sincere concern for my well being. At the time, one friend was having issues with her aging father who was suffering with dementia and all that entails so she had a modest understanding of what I was going through. They both sat with me while I called all of the hospitals and sadly, what I was told is that they do have Psychiatry Staff on duty but only for emergencies and I was then asked if I was having suicidal thoughts or have I attempted suicide. Basically, if I would have slit my wrists, parked my car in the garage with the car running or took twenty blister packs of Nytol that someone in the Hospital would be able to assist me. The state of our health care system needs a major overhaul!
During this entire time, I had been seeing my current therapist. I had only seen her a couple of times prior to getting my second diagnosis.
Mid-February Beau took to me to Our Lady of Peace where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I participated in an intensive out-patient program. This is where I met my current Psychiatrist. I would go each morning at 9:00am and stay until 2:00pm. My day was filled with group therapy and more group therapy. I seen the doctor about every other day. It was so exhausting, physically, emotionally and mentally. I was put on Prozac. In most cases this is the best thing that you could hope for. Prozac is the crack for the clinically depressed. However, it only seemed to magnify my depression. The only relief that I had was the prescription of Klonipin that I was given for the anxiety. It would put me fast to sleep. But I was afraid to take it because I was well aware this one medication that people become easily addicted to and I didn't need one more issue to handle. I have never cried so much in my whole life over those next five weeks. I am actually tearing up right now thinking about how agonizing it was to not have any control of my feelings. At one point, I considered having tear duct removal, if that even exists. On the upside, I lost fifteen pounds in five weeks without doing one sit-up!
It wasn't until March when I decided that I had finally had enough. I laid out my favorite suit, wrote my husband and kids a letter and swallowed a handful of pills. I know that a lot of people have different views on suicide, whether it be religious or ethical. I always thought it was a very selfish thing myself until it seemed the only way to escape and relieve my family from the burdensome hell that they had been living for the past three months. Obviously, my attempt failed. But it did make the doctor take a second look at bipolar.
Lithium was added to my daily regimen. I didn't like it at all. It made my lips numb and my mind hazy. It did nothing for the depression. I was still crying almost hyperventilating some days. After the doctor stopped the Klonipin, I was no longer sleeping. He gave me a prescription of Ambien, which for me was like speed. So now I am exhausted and wired at the same time. It occurred to me though, if the Ambien was working "backwards" maybe the Prozac was as well. I stopped taking the Prozac.
It is now around the beginning of April, I am still in the IOP and still having to listen to the stories of the other patients in the circle. People that lost their mother, People that had been raped, someone had killed her infant, and a whole slew of alcoholics and drug addicts. There was only two other people at any given time being treated for a mood disorder. Hearing these stories or sharing mine at that time was not helping my situation. By this time, I knew that my problem was chemical and finding the right medication was not a science, it was an art.
Add Seroquel for the second time only this time at a weight appropriate dosage. I can remember the first time I took it at that dose. I felt woozy, silly even. This was the best I had felt even if it was only temporary. It caused me to have crazy mixed up dreams most of which included my dead father. But I finally slept through the night. I slept for fifteen hours straight.
I am sure through all of this you are wondering...where are her kids? Three were in school, the other in daycare. I have a wonderful husband who through all this stuck by me, worked a full-time job, cared for our children, educated himself about my illness and continues to be my rock. This is why I don't give him too much shit for buying that fucking ugly boat!
I attempted to go back to work half days even though I knew I wasn't ready a part of me thought if I get back into my normal routine with "normal" people that somehow I will magically be cured. Naive, yes. I had a meltdown in the bathroom on my fourth day back.
So, I returned to the IOP and begged my doctor to please help me, please fix me! Several more medication changes over the next month and not much change. I was still severely depressed. Add to that agitation. The mania was beginning to show itself as irritability instead of euphoria like most people experience. I could not stop screaming. Now I am screaming and crying all of the time. I had a major altercation with my group therapist. From that moment, I decided that I wanted out. I asked my doctor to discharge me. If he wouldn't then insurance wouldn't pay and they were paying 100%. He put me on a mood stabilizer, finally and asked me to stick with the program. It was called Trileptal and it was very expensive even with my fantastic insurance. But it worked, within one week I was smiling again.
My illness stole nearly six months of my life from me. In hindsight, it seems ridiculous that I had to suffer that long and if somehow I would have been better educated at the time that I may have been able to help my doctors help me. I have had a few medication changes and dosing changes since then but I have been mostly level with the exception of a few months last year when I fell into a severe depression again. I currently take three different types of medication and for the most part they are working well. And I can say with certainty that this too shall pass!
I'm sure that some higher power has a purpose for me to have lived through it.
Then I cried over my stray cat which was slightly injured by my husband's engine. Apparently, Porch Cat decided to crawl under the hood of Beau's truck and when he started the truck he immediately heard a sound that was not quite right and turned off the engine. She is limping a little and her face is a little swollen but other than that the vet says the wounds are superficial. I didn't realize I liked that animal as much as I do.
Danielle and I had a minor argument tonight. She wanted me to color Lauren's hair and I just didn't feel like it. Danielle is sometimes like a five year old when she doesn't get her way. I just don't have the energy to battle her and she insists on a battle every time I don't feel like doing something for her. When things are going her way everything is sunshine and puppies.
I was devastated over the Grey's Anatomy finale. George cannot die. I should never watch shows like that when I am already emotionally charged!
I talked to an old friend last week and Michael expressed interest in how I got to where I am. In other words what happened to lead me to my diagnosis. I explained a little but it really is a long, long story. He said I should mention it in my blog and I think today is as good day as any to do just that. It was a very hard road to get to where I am today and even though I am not happy lately, I am grateful that I am not depressed. It is a horrible state of mind and it is physically taxing. If you take anything away from this I hope it will be that whatever bad you may encounter in life, it will always turn around and that knowledge is power!
I am purposely leaving out details of how these five months affected my relationships with family members. One, I don't like to dwell on it and two it helps me in no way to resent them for their reactions. I will say I had to deal with nonstop comments like, she's a fucking loon, buck up and get back on the horse and maybe she's just lazy.
In January of 2007 I became very depressed and it wasn't over any one particular thing. It was just a sadness and fatigue not prompted by anything happening in my life at the time. I had a good friend that urged me to go see a doctor. I didn't really want to. Partly, because every winter I get depressed and bounce back and partly because my OB/GYN put me on Zoloft when I was pregnant with Avery and it made me even more depressed. At her insistence I went to my Primary Doc where he put me on a low dose of Effexor. It didn't seem to make a difference and after two weeks of crying and sleeping, sleeping and crying he increased the dose. I felt that immediately. My heart raced, I was sweating profusely and all of my senses were heightened. I could hear noises humans should not be able to hear. Clocks ticking, people breathing from five feet away. Also, my anxiety shot through the roof. I felt so angry. I stopped taking it immediately. I now know that people with Bipolar Disorder should not be on an anti-depressant without a mood stabilizer as it can send them into a mania. This is what aggravated my mood disorder to "the surface". I have always had it, it was just never bad enough to disrupt my life.
Still depressed, my friend suggested I go to see the person that she sees. I saw a nurse practitioner in a prestigious Psychiatry Office in the East End. She took my medical and family history and had me answer questions regarding my mood. She diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. She sent me home with some samples of Lamictal. I had an allergic reaction. My bottom lip and chin swelled and itched like crazy. So I was back at her office where she signed out more samples. This time Risperdal. At the time, I didn't have the knowledge that I have now about different medications, dosing and such. She gave me the milligrams that you would give a small dog. So needless to say, this didn't work either. She increased this several more times before she took me off this and started me on Seroquel. She warned me to lock it up and don't let anyone know that I had it because it had a street value. I thought it was an odd warning but wouldn't understand it until much later. Mind you, this was all in a three week period. I should have known something was not right with her when each time I seen her her eyes were glazed and her speech was muddled. But I was desperate, desperate to stop crying, desperate to be happy. The next time I seen her she "fired me"! I cannot even now explain how that made me feel. Was I that far gone? She recommended that I go to Ten Broeck. So I did. They did an evaluation and offered group therapy. At this point, I didn't know much but I knew that whatever was wrong with me was chemical. It was not environmental. So I declined that plan. I called multiple psychiatry practices in Louisville and was told each time that they did not accept commercial insurance. They only accepted Medicare and Medicaid. Each practice referred me to Ten Broeck or Our Lady of Peace. Another setback in my road to recovery. Later, I tried to retrieve my medical records from this practice and it took them weeks as the nurse practitioner had "left" and no one knew where she went. At the time, I thought she must have been in treatment herself. Now, I firmly believe that she was taking medications from the office for her own personal use and most likely incarcerated.
Back at home, laying on my couch staring through the TV, two friends visit to urge me to do something else. They had a sincere concern for my well being. At the time, one friend was having issues with her aging father who was suffering with dementia and all that entails so she had a modest understanding of what I was going through. They both sat with me while I called all of the hospitals and sadly, what I was told is that they do have Psychiatry Staff on duty but only for emergencies and I was then asked if I was having suicidal thoughts or have I attempted suicide. Basically, if I would have slit my wrists, parked my car in the garage with the car running or took twenty blister packs of Nytol that someone in the Hospital would be able to assist me. The state of our health care system needs a major overhaul!
During this entire time, I had been seeing my current therapist. I had only seen her a couple of times prior to getting my second diagnosis.
Mid-February Beau took to me to Our Lady of Peace where I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I participated in an intensive out-patient program. This is where I met my current Psychiatrist. I would go each morning at 9:00am and stay until 2:00pm. My day was filled with group therapy and more group therapy. I seen the doctor about every other day. It was so exhausting, physically, emotionally and mentally. I was put on Prozac. In most cases this is the best thing that you could hope for. Prozac is the crack for the clinically depressed. However, it only seemed to magnify my depression. The only relief that I had was the prescription of Klonipin that I was given for the anxiety. It would put me fast to sleep. But I was afraid to take it because I was well aware this one medication that people become easily addicted to and I didn't need one more issue to handle. I have never cried so much in my whole life over those next five weeks. I am actually tearing up right now thinking about how agonizing it was to not have any control of my feelings. At one point, I considered having tear duct removal, if that even exists. On the upside, I lost fifteen pounds in five weeks without doing one sit-up!
It wasn't until March when I decided that I had finally had enough. I laid out my favorite suit, wrote my husband and kids a letter and swallowed a handful of pills. I know that a lot of people have different views on suicide, whether it be religious or ethical. I always thought it was a very selfish thing myself until it seemed the only way to escape and relieve my family from the burdensome hell that they had been living for the past three months. Obviously, my attempt failed. But it did make the doctor take a second look at bipolar.
Lithium was added to my daily regimen. I didn't like it at all. It made my lips numb and my mind hazy. It did nothing for the depression. I was still crying almost hyperventilating some days. After the doctor stopped the Klonipin, I was no longer sleeping. He gave me a prescription of Ambien, which for me was like speed. So now I am exhausted and wired at the same time. It occurred to me though, if the Ambien was working "backwards" maybe the Prozac was as well. I stopped taking the Prozac.
It is now around the beginning of April, I am still in the IOP and still having to listen to the stories of the other patients in the circle. People that lost their mother, People that had been raped, someone had killed her infant, and a whole slew of alcoholics and drug addicts. There was only two other people at any given time being treated for a mood disorder. Hearing these stories or sharing mine at that time was not helping my situation. By this time, I knew that my problem was chemical and finding the right medication was not a science, it was an art.
Add Seroquel for the second time only this time at a weight appropriate dosage. I can remember the first time I took it at that dose. I felt woozy, silly even. This was the best I had felt even if it was only temporary. It caused me to have crazy mixed up dreams most of which included my dead father. But I finally slept through the night. I slept for fifteen hours straight.
I am sure through all of this you are wondering...where are her kids? Three were in school, the other in daycare. I have a wonderful husband who through all this stuck by me, worked a full-time job, cared for our children, educated himself about my illness and continues to be my rock. This is why I don't give him too much shit for buying that fucking ugly boat!
I attempted to go back to work half days even though I knew I wasn't ready a part of me thought if I get back into my normal routine with "normal" people that somehow I will magically be cured. Naive, yes. I had a meltdown in the bathroom on my fourth day back.
So, I returned to the IOP and begged my doctor to please help me, please fix me! Several more medication changes over the next month and not much change. I was still severely depressed. Add to that agitation. The mania was beginning to show itself as irritability instead of euphoria like most people experience. I could not stop screaming. Now I am screaming and crying all of the time. I had a major altercation with my group therapist. From that moment, I decided that I wanted out. I asked my doctor to discharge me. If he wouldn't then insurance wouldn't pay and they were paying 100%. He put me on a mood stabilizer, finally and asked me to stick with the program. It was called Trileptal and it was very expensive even with my fantastic insurance. But it worked, within one week I was smiling again.
My illness stole nearly six months of my life from me. In hindsight, it seems ridiculous that I had to suffer that long and if somehow I would have been better educated at the time that I may have been able to help my doctors help me. I have had a few medication changes and dosing changes since then but I have been mostly level with the exception of a few months last year when I fell into a severe depression again. I currently take three different types of medication and for the most part they are working well. And I can say with certainty that this too shall pass!
I'm sure that some higher power has a purpose for me to have lived through it.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Surprise...A New Entry!
I must say I have been slacking! Although, I feel like I am heading toward an upswing I still feel so uninspired. I have not felt quite right for the last week or so. Not full on depressed but I would say melancholy. Yes, that's a good word for it. I have been so overwhelmed with the thought of Danielle growing up and moving on. Even, though common sense says that she will be right over the bridge!
Today was like a yucky Monday. Driving Haylee to school today right before the turn in to the parking lot she vomited all over my car. She did an extraordinary job not to get it on her clothes or backpack. I made a U-turn and back home again. I gave her some medicine for nausea, got her situated on the couch with her pillow, blanket and bathroom trash can to watch a little Spongebob. I proceeded to go clean the nastiness off my back passenger side floor board. I scrubbed with the antibacterial and doused the entire interior with Lysol for good measure. She is feeling better with the medicine. My car on the other hand smells like a nursing home.
Mothers Day was restful. They let me sleep in. I watched Lifetime movies most of the day. Does it get any better than that?
Danielle's surprise party went off without a hitch. I was beginning to worry when I received a text message from Lauren at 4:15 that read "I am runnin out of things to do with her". The plan was that her friend Lauren would take her to the mall then they would hang out at her house and have a movie night. Isent a text back to let her know that it was way too early and listed some ideas of what she could do including go to the Walmart and look at things for your dorms, go to Starbucks, go to an adult bookstore. She had to stay away until after 6:00 when everyone was to arrive. You would think this would be an easy task however, Danielle's phone died and she was on pins and needles to get home to get her charger. Deanna and Sarah showed up first so they were dealt the task of decorating and they did a fabulous job with the streamers I must say! Mandi came shortly after with her car loaded with some refreshments including her famous Buffalo Chicken Dip that has now made her an icon among Dani's friends. When Danielle finally arrived she got the SURPRISE of her life! After her initial scream she was speechless! The kids had fun hanging out and dancing. Terry came over for a bit, he was the entertainment! Danielle said that was the best birthday ever! I'm glad!
I sold my entertainment center last night. It was kind of out of the blue. I had actually listed it on Craig's List when I painted my living room because I wanted something darker and smaller, not an entire wall unit. I completely forgot I listed it since it had been well over a month and a half. Someone called for it Sunday night and ended up picking it up last night. So Beau went and picked out a TV stand and started to reconnect all of the electronics. Unfortunately, we missed the season finale of House. I understand that it won't be online for eight days! Bummer! On the upside my living room looks so much larger now and I actually have the television on the wall that I want it on.
Today was like a yucky Monday. Driving Haylee to school today right before the turn in to the parking lot she vomited all over my car. She did an extraordinary job not to get it on her clothes or backpack. I made a U-turn and back home again. I gave her some medicine for nausea, got her situated on the couch with her pillow, blanket and bathroom trash can to watch a little Spongebob. I proceeded to go clean the nastiness off my back passenger side floor board. I scrubbed with the antibacterial and doused the entire interior with Lysol for good measure. She is feeling better with the medicine. My car on the other hand smells like a nursing home.
Mothers Day was restful. They let me sleep in. I watched Lifetime movies most of the day. Does it get any better than that?
Danielle's surprise party went off without a hitch. I was beginning to worry when I received a text message from Lauren at 4:15 that read "I am runnin out of things to do with her". The plan was that her friend Lauren would take her to the mall then they would hang out at her house and have a movie night. Isent a text back to let her know that it was way too early and listed some ideas of what she could do including go to the Walmart and look at things for your dorms, go to Starbucks, go to an adult bookstore. She had to stay away until after 6:00 when everyone was to arrive. You would think this would be an easy task however, Danielle's phone died and she was on pins and needles to get home to get her charger. Deanna and Sarah showed up first so they were dealt the task of decorating and they did a fabulous job with the streamers I must say! Mandi came shortly after with her car loaded with some refreshments including her famous Buffalo Chicken Dip that has now made her an icon among Dani's friends. When Danielle finally arrived she got the SURPRISE of her life! After her initial scream she was speechless! The kids had fun hanging out and dancing. Terry came over for a bit, he was the entertainment! Danielle said that was the best birthday ever! I'm glad!
I sold my entertainment center last night. It was kind of out of the blue. I had actually listed it on Craig's List when I painted my living room because I wanted something darker and smaller, not an entire wall unit. I completely forgot I listed it since it had been well over a month and a half. Someone called for it Sunday night and ended up picking it up last night. So Beau went and picked out a TV stand and started to reconnect all of the electronics. Unfortunately, we missed the season finale of House. I understand that it won't be online for eight days! Bummer! On the upside my living room looks so much larger now and I actually have the television on the wall that I want it on.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Happy 18th Birthday, Dani!
Exactly eighteen years ago today I was supposed to have a baby. Of course, I was overdue and when I finally did go into labor I was in labor almost exactly twenty four hours without an epidural. That would be Danielle! She will be eighteen Saturday, I am sure I mentioned that but I still cannot believe it.
Danielle (I will affectionately refer to her by any of her many nicknames, Dani, Doodlebug, Doodle, Dew) wanted me to make a list of memories and here is what really sticks out in my mind:
When I brought Danielle home from the Hospital she was very pink from a dry birth, with coal black hair and squinty eyes. I thought she looked very Asian. One of the first things I remember about her first day at home is that I sat her in her carrier in front of the TV which at the time was playing "Gung Ho". She seemed so content watching that I think she understood the Chinese language!
When Danielle was about two that would have made me about nineteen. I was still a kid and Dew was a very smart kid. When she spoke you could understand every word. She knew her ABC's and every nursery rhyme my mother ever taught me. She also had a very vivid imagination which she still does. My ex sister-in-law and I would cruise Preston (Yea, now I am dating myself) and holler at hot guys. In retrospect probably not a parentally correct thing to do but we taught Danielle how to holler too...her phrase of choice..."Hey Baby, why don't you let me hit that!" We were talking one night on the couch and she said, "Mommy, I need some money" and I asked what for. She said, "candy and gas"!
Another funny instance of parenting gone all wrong...Dew used to watch Rikki Lake with me and I remember one episode in particular. It was "I have a secret crush". A friend was revealing that he had a secret crush on his best friend we'll call him Bud and wanted to have sex with him. Danielle lit up, started to giggle so I asked her "What is funny?". She says in her tiny two year old voice "Aww, he said sex". I asked her what she knew about sex...she hesitated then giggled, covered her mouth and said "french kissing". Shooo, crisis averted. At that time I would have had no idea how to have that conversation.
Danielle used to make up stories all of the time. When she was four she was convinced she worked at Value City. I have no idea why she picked Value City. She said she didn't like it because people knocked the clothes down and she had to keep picking them up and she wasn't going to work there anymore.
Dew was not a very patient child. When I was pregnant with Alex she was five. We were in the waiting room at the OB/GYN and there was a newborn just wailing. She looked at me and said, "Mom, Can you shut that baby up?"!
In fifth grade Dani decided she wanted to play clarinet in the band. I rented a clarinet all year long, $22.00 a month. When it came time for her fifth grade graduation and the Principal called for members of the band to stand she did a half stand combined with a sly peek over her shoulder to see if we were watching for her to stand. We were. I asked her after the ceremony why she didn't stand up and she admitted that she had quit the band a long, long time ago.
The first time she got into trouble at school. Mind blowing...this is a good kid who does what she is told most of the time. Her teacher called to say that she bit a boy. She was in eighth grade. I thought it was a joke. Danielle later explained that the boy grabbed her purse and wouldn't give it back so she bit his arm. I guess that is one way to fend off a mugger!
During her high school life there have been many proud moments. She is taking AP classes some for which she will receive college credit. Her photographs have been published in a sports magazine. She was recently awarded a journalism honor for radio DJ/newscast and it was noted she was best female voice of all entries, over 800.
Did I mention she was Jr. Prom Queen! Mandi and I got her and her friend all fixed up followed them to the hotel and took a multitude of pictures then went home to wait it out. Her friend, Ryeshia called as soon as it was announced. Through the receiver we hear "She won, She won"! Mandi and I jump up off of the couch and start dancing around the living room and screaming as if we just won the Powerball! Aww, living vicariously through our youth.
The scariest moment. I was sitting at home watching TV just like any other ordinary night. Danielle had just left with her friend Kevin to go to the Mall only a half hour before I got the call. She said, Mom, we were in a wreck". Panic set in instantly. If you are a parent and have ever had a scare like this you know the physiological change that your body goes through. She was only a few miles from our home. I jumped in my car and drove as fast as I could making record time. I didn't even know I could drive fast. Grandpa Biscuits typically passes me on 65. A truck coming out of the Mall T-boned them on the driver's side of the car and the truck tipped over on it's side in the middle of Jefferson Blvd. No one was hurt badly. Danielle was sore for a few days and understandably shaken. Thankfully, they were all wearing their seat belts so I did teach her one thing.
We share clothes, stories, gossip, make-up and a love only a mother can know.
I love my Dewbug and I want everyone to know I have an exceptional daughter!
Danielle (I will affectionately refer to her by any of her many nicknames, Dani, Doodlebug, Doodle, Dew) wanted me to make a list of memories and here is what really sticks out in my mind:
When I brought Danielle home from the Hospital she was very pink from a dry birth, with coal black hair and squinty eyes. I thought she looked very Asian. One of the first things I remember about her first day at home is that I sat her in her carrier in front of the TV which at the time was playing "Gung Ho". She seemed so content watching that I think she understood the Chinese language!
When Danielle was about two that would have made me about nineteen. I was still a kid and Dew was a very smart kid. When she spoke you could understand every word. She knew her ABC's and every nursery rhyme my mother ever taught me. She also had a very vivid imagination which she still does. My ex sister-in-law and I would cruise Preston (Yea, now I am dating myself) and holler at hot guys. In retrospect probably not a parentally correct thing to do but we taught Danielle how to holler too...her phrase of choice..."Hey Baby, why don't you let me hit that!" We were talking one night on the couch and she said, "Mommy, I need some money" and I asked what for. She said, "candy and gas"!
Another funny instance of parenting gone all wrong...Dew used to watch Rikki Lake with me and I remember one episode in particular. It was "I have a secret crush". A friend was revealing that he had a secret crush on his best friend we'll call him Bud and wanted to have sex with him. Danielle lit up, started to giggle so I asked her "What is funny?". She says in her tiny two year old voice "Aww, he said sex". I asked her what she knew about sex...she hesitated then giggled, covered her mouth and said "french kissing". Shooo, crisis averted. At that time I would have had no idea how to have that conversation.
Danielle used to make up stories all of the time. When she was four she was convinced she worked at Value City. I have no idea why she picked Value City. She said she didn't like it because people knocked the clothes down and she had to keep picking them up and she wasn't going to work there anymore.
Dew was not a very patient child. When I was pregnant with Alex she was five. We were in the waiting room at the OB/GYN and there was a newborn just wailing. She looked at me and said, "Mom, Can you shut that baby up?"!
In fifth grade Dani decided she wanted to play clarinet in the band. I rented a clarinet all year long, $22.00 a month. When it came time for her fifth grade graduation and the Principal called for members of the band to stand she did a half stand combined with a sly peek over her shoulder to see if we were watching for her to stand. We were. I asked her after the ceremony why she didn't stand up and she admitted that she had quit the band a long, long time ago.
The first time she got into trouble at school. Mind blowing...this is a good kid who does what she is told most of the time. Her teacher called to say that she bit a boy. She was in eighth grade. I thought it was a joke. Danielle later explained that the boy grabbed her purse and wouldn't give it back so she bit his arm. I guess that is one way to fend off a mugger!
During her high school life there have been many proud moments. She is taking AP classes some for which she will receive college credit. Her photographs have been published in a sports magazine. She was recently awarded a journalism honor for radio DJ/newscast and it was noted she was best female voice of all entries, over 800.
Did I mention she was Jr. Prom Queen! Mandi and I got her and her friend all fixed up followed them to the hotel and took a multitude of pictures then went home to wait it out. Her friend, Ryeshia called as soon as it was announced. Through the receiver we hear "She won, She won"! Mandi and I jump up off of the couch and start dancing around the living room and screaming as if we just won the Powerball! Aww, living vicariously through our youth.
The scariest moment. I was sitting at home watching TV just like any other ordinary night. Danielle had just left with her friend Kevin to go to the Mall only a half hour before I got the call. She said, Mom, we were in a wreck". Panic set in instantly. If you are a parent and have ever had a scare like this you know the physiological change that your body goes through. She was only a few miles from our home. I jumped in my car and drove as fast as I could making record time. I didn't even know I could drive fast. Grandpa Biscuits typically passes me on 65. A truck coming out of the Mall T-boned them on the driver's side of the car and the truck tipped over on it's side in the middle of Jefferson Blvd. No one was hurt badly. Danielle was sore for a few days and understandably shaken. Thankfully, they were all wearing their seat belts so I did teach her one thing.
We share clothes, stories, gossip, make-up and a love only a mother can know.
I love my Dewbug and I want everyone to know I have an exceptional daughter!
Uninspired
I haven't written in a few days because I have just felt so uninspired lately. Life is just so
ho-hum! I am still afflicted with the sun blisters and I don't see an end in sight. I had to decline an invitation to a Killer Derby Party because there was no way on Earth that I was going to be seen in public this way. They write bad country songs about this type of thing.
I have been doing laundry all day. Ughh, it never seems to end. I woke up to a dead car battery and Beau was gone fishing. I had to call a friend to give me a ride to go buy more laundry detergent. How bad is that. Beau's fishing poles were stolen from the back of his truck where he left them unattended then had the nerve to say, "Well, at least you had a better day than me". Really, doing laundry and bumming a ride so that I can do more laundry is better than a bad day of fishing? My priorities must be really messed up.
I have a full week ahead of me. Danielle has to take her placement test on Wednesday and her STAIR session on Thursday. She is excited to get her school ID and I am excited to take the campus tour. Her 18th Birthday is Saturday. It seems like she was just a baby. Where does the time go? She will soon be off to college making a whole new life that doesn't include me and it freaks me out. We have a close relationship. One that I wish I could have had with my mom. Not that I have a bad relationship with my Mom but the things that Danielle and I talk about I would have never had the courage to bring up in conversation with my Mom. She thought I was a virgin until I told her I was six months pregnant with Danielle.
I was talking to Danielle tonight and she wants me to write a lot of memorable things that she said or did when she was little for her Birthday. So I am going to include that in my blog when I get my thoughts organized. I am digging over eighteen years with a struggling memory so hopefully I can pull it together in less than a week!
An update in case anyone is wondering...Terry finally gave the pup a proper name, "Chewey". I thought for sure that poor dog was going to get stuck with the name that gave me such grief growing up with. Of course, I doubt the other puppies at Cherokee Park are as insensitive and hateful as seventh grade boys!
ho-hum! I am still afflicted with the sun blisters and I don't see an end in sight. I had to decline an invitation to a Killer Derby Party because there was no way on Earth that I was going to be seen in public this way. They write bad country songs about this type of thing.
I have been doing laundry all day. Ughh, it never seems to end. I woke up to a dead car battery and Beau was gone fishing. I had to call a friend to give me a ride to go buy more laundry detergent. How bad is that. Beau's fishing poles were stolen from the back of his truck where he left them unattended then had the nerve to say, "Well, at least you had a better day than me". Really, doing laundry and bumming a ride so that I can do more laundry is better than a bad day of fishing? My priorities must be really messed up.
I have a full week ahead of me. Danielle has to take her placement test on Wednesday and her STAIR session on Thursday. She is excited to get her school ID and I am excited to take the campus tour. Her 18th Birthday is Saturday. It seems like she was just a baby. Where does the time go? She will soon be off to college making a whole new life that doesn't include me and it freaks me out. We have a close relationship. One that I wish I could have had with my mom. Not that I have a bad relationship with my Mom but the things that Danielle and I talk about I would have never had the courage to bring up in conversation with my Mom. She thought I was a virgin until I told her I was six months pregnant with Danielle.
I was talking to Danielle tonight and she wants me to write a lot of memorable things that she said or did when she was little for her Birthday. So I am going to include that in my blog when I get my thoughts organized. I am digging over eighteen years with a struggling memory so hopefully I can pull it together in less than a week!
An update in case anyone is wondering...Terry finally gave the pup a proper name, "Chewey". I thought for sure that poor dog was going to get stuck with the name that gave me such grief growing up with. Of course, I doubt the other puppies at Cherokee Park are as insensitive and hateful as seventh grade boys!
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