It's Not All Black and White

Despondent. That is about the most accurate adjective to describe my current mood. I am not sure why I have fallen into this downward spiral. There haven't been any current events conducive of this funk that I am in. Randomly, I have burst into tears for no apparent reason since Yesterday. I am worried about Danielle's transition to her new dorm room but nothing tear provoking. I have not been sleeping well for the last several weeks and it's getting worse. Not only was I waking up coughing my head off several times a night but I have also been dreaming. Alot. All kinds of mixed up dreams that have absolutely nothing to do with nothing! One fragment that I can recall, on my kitchen counter there were tons of candy bars and kitchen utensils and I was instructing Beau and Alex to put them in either of the two drawers also sitting on the kitchen counter. I am really not sure what Freud would make of this but I am sure that Beau would say I just need to get laid!

When I drop down into these low moods I stare aimlessly through the TV. Typically, not hearing or seeing anything in front of me. Yet, while staring at Dr. Phil Today I somehow managed to take it all in. The subject was infidelity as seen through the eyes of "the other woman". Whenever I watch anything covering this topic it affects me. I have been on both sides of the coin. Not intentionally. It is not like you grow up dreaming of the day you can marry badly or you just can't wait until your old enough to be called a "Homewrecker". I think this is a more complicated subject than abortion, gay marriage or Kate Gosselin's horrendous streaks.

Before Beau, I was married to a man that cheated on me habitually. He denied it adamantly. It took me eight years to believe it. Even though I had a gut feeling, I could never catch him. And, oh how I tried. For some reason, I felt like I needed to see it to believe it. Of all the people who knew of all the flings, affairs and promise rings noone ever felt the need to confirm my suspicions. Basically, for eight years I was stupid to it. In his eyes, I was crazy, imagining things and he took every opportunity to voice that opinion. The lies actually were more hurtful than the affairs themselves. Of course, once people knew that we were separated or divorced and I would bump into them out somewhere, the details flowed freely. On the pool table at the Fire Station? Lovely. So yes, I have trust issues. One cold day in January (ironically, I don't think he was stepping out at the time) I grew tired. Tired of being in the life that I was in. I made him leave and never second guessed my decision. I only wished that I had had the courage many years before. That is time that I will never, ever get back. Wounds that will never, ever completely heal.

As for the other side of that coin, enter Beau. I knew he was married. It happened slowly. So, slowly, in fact, that it almost didn't happen. We met in a chat room. We talked a few times on the phone. There were not immediate sparks and it wasn't like I didn't have other offers. Being newly separated and single for the first time since I was a kid I had a new type of freedom I had never had before. I spent most weekends in a hotel bar. This is where I met him in person for the first time. It was Valentine's Day. The moment I saw him I knew that he was going to be an important person in my life. After that first meeting we became close, quickly. We went on dates, talked on the phone, met for lunch. Regular stuff that regular couples do. Except we weren't a regular couple. He almost always went home to his wife. I had the occasional Friday night. I tried to break it off several times, as did he. It felt right when I was with him but wrong when he walked out the door. I do believe that I cried more in that six months of being the cheater than I did in the eight years of being the cheated on. When bad things happen to us now, I still think this must be a punishment from the Gods. I can't say that I am not happy that we did not give up on each other. I cannot imagine my life without him and the family that we have made.

The point is that whether you are the cheater or the one being cheated on, there are tears that are shed. There is agony and sadness and times when you think you will lose your mind. It is complicated and the fallout lasts a lifetime.