That Just Burns My Biscuits

I am having a decent day. My mood is neither up nor down. But I do feel a little agitation coming on. Pulling into my driveway this afternoon a cop was following a little too closely. He almost took out my trunk. Good thing I wasn't haulin' the shine today! Besides annoying me it got me to thinking. There are some things that just burn my biscuits!

Speeding wreckless drivers, why are you in such a hurry? I got a speeding ticket in 1996, it was a hundred bucks. I learned my lesson and now I always do the speed limit. Slow down, your lack of preparation is not my sense of emergency.

Parts: Car parts, boat parts, computer parts, truck parts, stereo parts, gun parts. It is not necessary to explain your parts to me in extensive detail. Beau, Josh and Frog are usually the ones that bombards me with these topics. I can only be interested in this dribble for so long and then I can't anymore. I do not babble incessantly about my newest mascara, how the wand is shorter than the one I had before, how I believe it comes in blue, that I might buy the blue next time I go to Rite Aid, how I would definitely rock it out if it came in green, how it claims to be waterproof but when I was splashed with the hose it ran down my face. Got it? Good!

Stay out of my clean kitchen. You just ate. That's it.

Passive-aggressive people: I must admit, I know this is a deep-seeded issue from childhood caused by my mother. When I was a teenager, My dad would tell me to wash the dishes before I was even done eating. Mother, would immediately get up and proceed to wash the dishes. I would get screamed at and sometimes grounded. Now, I used to think that she was just doing it to be nice or so Dad wouldn't be mad that the dishes weren't washed. After watching her for the past few years with adult eyes I see that she reacts to almost every situation passive-aggressively and this was no different. Don't tell me you don't mind if I have a girls night out and then give me the silent treatment as a punishment. Mean what you say and say what you mean!

Don't talk to me when I am reading. I can't hear you. I am so deeply focused when I read that I am oblivious to your existence. It does not help your cause to put your nose an inch from mine or to yell my name over and over. You will not get the response that you are craving. I bet you think that I am speaking of my children. Nope. Grown folk.

Telemarketers that call me in Spanish. I can't understand you. Just because my last name is Flores does not mean that I do not speak English. So when I say, no habla Espanol (left over from 9th grade Spanish class) either speak American, transfer me or simply hang up. My feelings will not be hurt. And Dear State Farm, stop mailing me fucking post cards in Spanish!

When watching a movie, people that look over at me to see if I am laughing, crying or otherwise displaying some type of emotion. Just watch the movie that you shelled out eight bucks for!

Snoring: any type of snoring, even someone mocking someone snoring. It drives me insane! Almost everyone I know snores including me or so I have been told. For some reason these people these usually end up on my couch at some point in time. It sounds like your chewing on your face. Beau, God love him. He has tried nose spray, nose strips, the fan blowing directly in his face with little remedy. His snore is like no other. It's not that it is overly loud. He has a snore/hum and not in a melodic way and there is not any type of rhythm to it either. It goes something like this: GRRAAAA, HMMMM, HMMM, GRAAAA, BRWOOOO, HMMMM, GRAAA, BAROOOO, UHUHUH! So when I say, "Goodnight, sleep tight" what I really mean is "Goodnight, hope you don't get the shit kicked out of you tonight"!