Crazy, Funny, Unbelievable

Oh, Happy Day! Not much to report on the home front. I didn't go to bed until after 4:00am last night and once I was in the bed I could not coax Beau into not snoring no matter what I tried. At 4:35 I gave up and went down to the couch. I swear when he snores I can feel the blood pumping in my veins. I ended up falling asleep somewhere around 5:00 and woke up a few minutes after 7:00 to get Haylee ready for school. Thankfully, Avery fell asleep watching Dora so I had an additional two and a half hours of shut eye.

I was supposed to pack away our winter clothes today. I started pulling sweaters and such out of the closet last night and currently have a huge pile of Beau's and my winter clothes in the corner in my bedroom. Tonight is not a good TV night so I will probably tend to this later.

I made my first ever Western Union transaction today. I must say I didn't really trust the teenager working the service counter at Valu-Market. I have a fear that my money will not go where it is supposed to go. I guess I am old fashioned that way.

I realized something today. I have been inundating you (and myself) with sob stories lately. So I have thought about some of my favorite memories and would like to share.

First, I will share how I met my Husband. It's funny, really. In the late nineties I was addicted to AOL, the Louisville Over 30 (I was only 25 at the time) chat room in particular. Beau was in the chat room one night in November as KyBeau11457. I started up a conversation with him thinking he was an old fart that just happened to have the same Birthday as me, November 4. We began talking and over a course of a couple of months we tried to meet up several times to no avail. At the time, I would frequent the lounge at the Breckinridge Inn. Unbeknownst to me at the time for the month prior to actually meeting him he had been "stalking" me. Every weekend he would go there, sit on the wall and watch me dance, (that should have scared him off for sure) mingle and down shots of Hot Damn! One night during an instant messaging session with him he described my outfit and actions down to a tee from the previous weekend. We finally met on Valentine's Day. I was at the lounge and pretty intoxicated when he walked up to me and just stood in front of me waiting for a reaction. Little did he know that I had no clue what he looked like. He sent a jpeg file to me months earlier and I was too embarrassed to tell him that the dinosaur that I called a computer could not handle downloading it. I attempted it several times and it either took too long and interfered with some IM conversations that I had going or it would completely shut the machine down. So anyway, he tells me his name after I stare in awkward silence and thinking all the while "who the hell are you, and why are you standing in my view?"! I immediately did this little twirl dance as If I were just crowned Ms. USA! Probably not my proudest moment but my friend Pat told me it was pretty darn funny!
It was love at first sight! Another funny thing. The guy that sold us my wedding band looked just like James Brown! I feel Good!

Mandi and I lived together after I separated from my ex-husband. Mandi is six years younger than me. She had lived with me since she was about 13 off and on, mostly on. One night she comes home after a late night of partying. She was crying and screaming as she ran in the door. "The por-ku-pine is going to get me, the por-ku-pine is in the driveway and it is going to get me"! Apparently, she had knocked back one too many. I think she was delusional but I remember laughing so hard that I nearly peed my pants. I don't even think we have porcupines in these parts! I used to take her with me to the lounge and we would dance and drink and laugh until the bar closed. Our friend Bonnie tended bar there and every first of the month she would give us our drinks for free and wrap them in a napkin that read, "Rent's Due"!

Me and my ex-sister-in-law, Crystal and I used to be really close. We were pretty close in age and we both witnessed each other giving birth. One night we decided to cruise Portland. We landed up with my little brother, Charlee, at his friend Denny's house. They were all just hanging out, talking and listening to music. Someone had a bad sunburn but it escapes me who it was at the moment. Crystal was saying that they should try eucalyptus and Charlee having a slight crush on her at the time (at least I think he did) spouted off, "Youcanlipthis if you want to"! In case you wonder, humor is genetic!

My friend, Charlyn and I, who is the same age as my older sister Cherie, used to run around the neighborhood when I was a teenager. She knew everything about my life, my real life. She was also old enough to buy beer! Once, we decided to take a walk down by the Ohio River, we walked and walked and decided we would venture up the hill near the observatory by the McAlpine Locks. We were halfway through the field when were attacked by crickets...hundreds and thousands of crickets jumping on our legs and up our shorts as we ran. I have never ran so fast or been so grossed out. I still hate crickets to this day!

Another story involving Charlyn and when I tell you this you must know that people in Portland, the neighborhood where I grew up, are not like any other people I have ever met. They live differently or they did back then. Charlyn and I started out drinking in the cemetery. We moved on to her ex's house where we played cards with him and his teenage son. We left there and didn't have anywhere to go. Being the late hour that it was we could not safely sneak back into my house without my dad knowing about it. So she says, "we can go to Steve's and crash there". Little did I know the craziness that I was about to experience. First off, we broke in as no one was home. When I say broke in I mean Charlyn reached her hand through the cardboard door and unlocked it. Not really sure to this day the purpose of the lock! We proceeded to walk through the house...a very old, large house. In the middle of what should have been the dining room was a huge hole. Larger than your typical bonfire. You could see straight down to the dark cellar below. Obviously, I was drunk! Otherwise, I would have never agreed to lay my head down in that place! It gets worse. I proceeded to go to the bathroom which was filthy. It makes me cringe just thinking about it and what is in the bathtub...a turtle! Charlyn and I ended up laying end to end in a twin bed in a room right off of the bathroom. We were awakened by something, it was a woman mumbling in an accent or tone I had never heard before. She was saying, "Do you want to be my friend?" over and over again standing directly over me while I was trying to pretend to be asleep and kicking Charlyn in the leg repeatedly. I needed her to wake up STAT and get me out of there! After we left I realized who it was. "Tudlu edda". Her name was Louedda and it was known around the neighborhood that she sniffed glue and she was so strung out on it that she was out of touch with reality and lost her ability to speak without slurring. OK, I admit that is sad but definitely memorable!

One last incident. About a year and a half ago, after I was diagnosed and before I was properly medicated, things just fell out of my mouth. I offended many people. I had just watched the Mary Kay Laturneau story on Lifetime. The story of the school teacher that had bedded her student. I ran into Buffy, Beau's sister and was telling her about it and decided it was necessary somehow to make sure that I warned her of the dangers, being a school teacher and all. I said, "I sure hope you don't go screwing your students"! Gee Whiz, verbal vomit at it's finest!

I hope you get a laugh from one or more of these anecdotes!